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Live From The Upfronts: Trump's New TV Network Programming Preview

NEW YORK, October 20, 2016 -- Following last night's unofficial end of the Trump presidential campaign, the billionaire businessman and entertainer confirmed the rumors and announced the creation of his new broadcast media network. Trump Information Television, also known as the TIT Network, will feature a mix of news, reality, competition, comedy, drama and sports. Here is a sneak peak at the fledgling network's programming schedule.

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"Miss Universe of the Week"

In Donald Trump's incendiary network launch / pre-election concession speech today, he asked a fundamental question: "Why should the most important event every year be limited to an annual occurrence when we can do it every week? Let's now make Miss Universe great again!" Having learned from previous competitions, pageant organizers and host Eric Trump made significant changes to the format, eliminated the talent and speaking portions of the show, and reduced the winner's reign to weekly, this giving more beautiful women a shot at stardom, as well as preventing any one winner from getting too fat too quickly.

Genre: Game Show/Reality Competition

Sundays, 8pm ET

"Sausage Party Sundays"

Not your typical Sunday morning political news show, former NY Mayor Rudolph Giuliani and impeached former NJ Governor Chris Christie mix hot topics and hot stoves. The two former Presidential candidates debate the same side of current events while cooking massive Italian-inspired feasts for their show guests. Tune in every Sunday morning to expand your mind and watch the show hosts expand their waste lines.

Genre: News/Food

Sundays, 10am ET

"Zeno: Bounty Hunter"

Zenothan Frank O'Bia (AKA: Zeno F. O'Bia, for short) is a former deputy with the Billings, Montana Sheriff's Office who may have given up the badge, but has doubled down on his pursuit of justice. That means tracking down and capturing all "outsiders and foreign-looking types" in town. Whether or not there is even a warrant or bounty, this renegade patriot knows that where there are dark clouds, there is usually dark skin not far away. Tune in weekly as Zeno goes after immigrants, both legal and illegal!

Genre: Reality

Mondays, 10pm

"Kissing Kuzzins"

Eric and Anna Kuzzins are America's favorite married couple struggling with the everyday challenges of raising (and home-Schooling) seven children under the age of 10. This West Virginia family is deeply rooted in faith, food and farming. Oh, and did we mention that Eric and Anna don't realize that they are first cousins, even though they met at a family reunion and their moms are sisters?

Genre: Situational Comedy

Thursdays, 9pm ET

"Live with Sean Hannity"

After being cleared of any wrongdoing in the aftermath of the Fox News studio fire tragedy, the unscathed Sean Hannity rises from the post-election ashes like the third coming of the Messiah to anchor Trump Informational Television Network's news and political commentary. Even Bill O'Reilly is scared of just how huge Hannity will become with the shackles off. Shot live before a studio audience earlier in the day, no topic is taboo, no subject will be off-limits.

Genre: News/Talk

Weeknights, 11:30pm ET

"USFL Game of the Week"

With the watered-down, absolutely terrible NFL struggling to get ratings, the relaunched, revamped USFL is taking America by storm! Hard-hitting, high-scoring action will have you loving football again. Hall-of-fame stars like Doug Flutie, Herschel Walker, Steve Young and Warren Moon have all come out of retirement to bring back older fans, while rules changes like "no helmets" and "defensive-2-point conversions for injuring opposing players" come from the brilliant mind of USFL commissioner Donald Trump Jr.

Genre: Sports

Fridays, 8pm ET

"Vigilante Medicine"

Cut from a similar cloth as ratings-bonanza hospital dramas of yesteryear, Vigilante Medicine follows a team of do-gooder male doctors who take over a women's health and fertility medical practice in the inner city. Set in crime-ravaged East St. Louis, the tone is set early on in the pilot episode when Drs. Louis Scalio (Scott Baio) and Kenneth Korr (Kid Rock) reverse an abortion and break into a patient's home to steal all of their birth control pills and condoms. Look out for the midseason cameo with Dr. Ben Carson and cast trips to the Egyptian pyramids / corn silos / space rockets.

Genre: Drama

Wednesdays, 9pm ET

"Six Below Par"

The Trump Organization has developed many of the top-rated, most beautiful golf courses in the United States. But one secret to golf resort development you may not know is that the best deals on real estate are actually old military cemeteries. What better way to honor our veterans than turning their final resting places into a beautiful course for the living can truly enjoy? So join hosts Gary Busey and former golf pro John Daly on a season-long journey to convert one such military cemetery into a luxurious course in Florida.

Genre: Sport/Home

Tuesdays, 9pm ET

"Pitstoppin' with Pence"

Outgoing Indiana governor Mike Pence's love of roadside eating establishments tops all other interests and passions except for his passion for the Lord. But as Pence shows in his new show, the two do not need to be mutually exclusive. Join Governor Pence as he visits the best dining establishments in America that refuse to serve the LGBT community. One entire episode is dedicated to finding the best BLT sandwiches without any G in sight. From pizza shops to cake bakeries, Governor Pence knows that the way to stop the slow march to equality starts in someone else's kitchen.

Genre: Food/travel

Mondays, 1a.m. ET (re-airs Fridays 4a.m. ET)

"Sabato Gigantic!"

We obtained the rights to the now-defunct, long-running "Sabado Gigante" as part of the Univision lawsuit settlement, but stripped all of the Mexicanness out of it and turned it into something even better! This show features an eclectic and frenetic mix of various contests, human-interest stories, and male underwear models comparing the sizes of their packages. Starring and hosted by former Calvin Klein model and former model Antonio Sabato Jr.

Genre: Variety/Game show

Saturdays, 8pm

"Time Out With Tiffany"

Ivy League graduate, model and reformed party girl Tiffany Trump is much more than just Donald Trump's fourth of many children. She brings those life experiences, and so much more, to America's new favorite afternoon talk show. Tiffany will be meeting and helping regular Americans dealing with regular issues, such as deciding "Which lip gloss goes with this top?" and "How to not fall down when walking in 4" stripper heels."

Genre: Talk Show

Weekdays, 3pm ET

"Tweeting with the Donald"

Live every day, TIT Network chairman Donald J. Trump will be featured in an unfiltered, commercial-free streaming video broadcast from his office atop the magnificent Trump Tower in midtown New York. Every morning, you'll wake up with Mr. Trump and watch as he tweets out his morning insults, retweets notable white supremacists, gropes female employees and call in to other morning shows on rival networks. On any given day, you might eavesdrop on phone calls with world leaders like Vladimir Putin and that crazy dude from the Philippines, see him get a haircut or learn how he avoids paying taxes. It's gonna be great. Really terrific stuff.

Genre: Reality/News/Entertainment/Politics/Talk Show

Daily, 6 a.m. to Noon ET. (except Sundays)

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