40 Things I Didn't Get The Chance To Do Before Turning 40

The first-ever mid-life crisis played out as a two-part series of Buzzfeed list articles.

I’m probably the last Gen X-er to turn 40... and the first millennial to turn 40... BOTH AT THE SAME TIME. It’s equal parts empowering and daunting at the same time. And as I reach this milestone, it's important to take pride in what I’ve accomplished, and reflect on the unfulfilled promise.

If Part I was all about things I got to do (At least 40 times) before turning 40 years old, welcome to Part II of this mid-life crisis in list form, I look back on a definitively incomplete list of things that I have yet to do, see, feel, experience or accomplish.

This isn't about regrets, though. As a kid, you’re told you can do anything and be anything. I realize now that it’s not true... not because we can't, but because there just isn't enough time.

But such is the life of a 40-year old suburban dad...

(Also see Part I: 40 Things I Did (at least) 40 Times Before Turning 40.)

1. Made a Bucket List

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...and this won't be one.

2. Made a 40-Under-40 List

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Every industry has one of these types of award lists, celebrating and honoring people who've accomplished great things under the age of 40. Let's just say I haven't accomplished anything worth of their recognition.

3. Been to Africa. Or Australia.

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Seems, like, REALLY far to travel to with so many snakes and other dangerous animals just waiting to eat me.

4. Finished My Book or My Movie Script

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The book: a coming-of-age novel about a young American man playing second-division soccer in Italy in the early 90's.

The film: a re-make of the 1980's classic Rodney Dangerfield "Back to School," but starring Shaquille O'Neal as a former NBA star Lester Morehouse going back to college to complete his degree.

5. Received a Standing Ovation

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This one stings. Because I'm a pretty strong presenter, I have good ideas and I've accomplished enough where at least ONE standing ovation was merited.

6. Saved Someone's Life

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At least not in a literal sense, though people call me a "life saver" pretty much all the time.

7. Delivered a Eulogy

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I have a few ready to go in my iphone notes folder just in case the moment requires it.

8. Gotten Punched in the Face

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Also surprising considering how much of a smartass I can be. I'm sure it's not through lack of desire, but good restraint has prevented any impact or damage to my precious face.

9. Driven a semi truck. Or a Ferrari.

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Seems like fun. Anyone want to invite me for a test drive?

10. Lost an Argument

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I know I am not always right, but that's rarely the point of the argument. and in that sense, I've never lost.

11. Tried Cocaine

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I grew up in an affluent suburb, I went to an Ivy League school and LIVED in New York City bars and clubs for many years. Yet I never had the desire to play with fire...

12. Run for My Life

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There's running scared, and then there's running for your actual life. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I have ever done either.

13. Undergone Cosmetic Surgery

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If you care that much about your appearance to fix it via a procedure requiring anesthesia, maybe the surgeon isn't the first licensed doctor with whom you should speak (see: shrink). Not that I'm judging.

14. Forgotten to Apply Deodorant

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I don't give my mom enough credit for the good values she instilled, but scaring the bejesus into me about not smelling... well it left a strong enough impression that I have never left the house without applying lasting underarm protection.

15. Eaten Lamb

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And, honestly, after seeing this, why would you?

16. Drank a 40... Or Poured One Out

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The old Billybob's, on the corner of 40th and Spruce, was a veritable source of 40's, but I always just preferred their cheesesteaks.

17. Been Hit By a Car

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Whether as a passenger, driver in another car or anywhere else for that matter, this is an experience I'd like to continue NOT having.

18. Gotten a Root Canal

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The avoidance of serious dental or oral surgery is something of which I remain quite proud. Dentists are weird, too. I mean, who wants to work inside people's mouths all day?

19. Bungee, Skydive or Scuba

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Meh, I'm good.

20. Gotten (Or Given) and STD

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...and "Phewwwwwww."

21. Run a Marathon

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Why would anyone do this. One rational reason... someone? Anyone?

22. Stabbed a Person

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More so out of fear of going to prison than for any lack of desire to do so...

23. Sexted

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...or sent naked pictures of myself to someone.

And I don't see it happening anytime soon.

24. Paid for a USA Today

Needless to say, I've read my fair share of this nationally generic paper, but only when I wake up at a hotel and it's sitting outside my door.

25. Been to the Grand Canyon

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It's a hole in the ground. And it's in the middle of nowhere.

Nah, I'm good.

26. Gotten the Flu or the Chicken Pox

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Knock on wood...

27. Met Bruce Springsteen

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The only celebrity around whom I'd probably get star-struck, I'd regret saying the wrong thing, doing the wrong thing or acting the wrong way. So I've avoided the few instances when it was possible to encounter this living legend, this rock God. But it would sure be fun to hang out for a few hours, wouldn't it?

28. Woken up Someplace Completely Unaware How I Got There

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To me, this is the definition of irresponsibility. Waking up in a strange place, uncertain how you got there? That's probably the closest to death that one can come.

29. Weighed More than 200 Pounds

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But I've come DAMN close...

30. Easily or Happily Admitted I Was Wrong About Something

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It doesn't happen very often, and when it does, it's hard to accept. I never like it, but I always try to learn from it.

At least that's what I'm supposed to say here, right?

31. Been in a Warzone

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Wars are scary. They're dangerous. They leave lasting damage on ALL who are involved. I avoid any and every dangerous situation possible. But for those who are there, finding a small bit of fun or positive in the face of death can be a good thing.

32. Used the Expression: "There Will Be Hell to Pay."

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I'm just waiting for the right moment to drop this baby on the world.

33. Tried to Regrow My Own Hair

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It started early for me... By the time I reached my mid-to-late 20's, I was facing the bald truth. And not only did I come to terms with it, I embraced it. I suggest the rest of you do the same.

34. Felt Underdressed at Any Event or Occasion.

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Looking good means feeling good. Feeling good means looking good.

35. Seen a Single Disney Film in its Entirety

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Despite the fact that Frozen, Moana, Aladdin and have been on a constant loop in my house for the past few years, I've never actually seen any of the movies from start to finish.

36. Voted for a Republican

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Never gonna happen.

37. Appeared Alongside Samuel L. Jackson in a Major Motion Picture

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At this point, am I the only person left who has not yet been in a Sam Jackson film?

38. Mistaken "Your" and "You're"

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Come on, people! We are better than this.

It's not that hard.

Also, while we're at it - "its" and "it's" = also not that hard.

39. Been Invited to the White House

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Not only have I not been invited, I've never been there as a visitor. But at this point, I'm good to wait a few more years until Racist-in-Chief has been replaced.

40. Come to Terms with Turning 40

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Jesus. Is this really happening?