20 Things I'll Do To Fix America When I Become President

Since learning that anyone can become President, I've started working on my presidential policy platform to gear up for a 2020 campaign. Let's do this.

If there's one thing we learned in the past year, it's that anyone can be President of the United States. Well, more accurately, any average student who graduated from the University of Pennsylvania can become President, as long as they have (totally unrealistic policy ideas without any) substance.

Hear me out for a minute. I want to fix America. I'm realistic about what I can and cannot accomplish. And there's nowhere to go but up. (So why NOT me?) There are some obvious things that just about any sane, rational, responsible chief executive would push through - nationalized equal rights for all, regardless of race, gender, ethnicity, religion and orientation, tax reform that helps out the underprivileged instead of just rewarding the rich, massive and unrestricted environmental protection, etc.

But there are some not-so-obvious reforms that could also drastically, and immediately, make America even greater:

1. Reduce the Number of States to Fund Healthcare

One of the biggest obstacles to American democracy is the doctrine of states' rights. As guaranteed in the Constitution, all rights not specifically outlined in the Constitution will be left to the discretion of the states. Which is just stupid. But unchangeable. But we can reduce this impediment by reducing states. Sure, 50 is a nice round number, but so is 40 (did you notice the flag above only has 40 stars? Of course not). Here's how we cut down by 10.

* 1. Hawaii: Let's get right to it. Hawaii is basically an independent entity already with vast cultural differences from the continental 48. It's beautiful, peaceful and filled with amazingly caring people. Which basically makes it anti-American. But why stop there...?There are peaceful ways to force secession from within.

* 2. Alaska: Sell it to Canada, use the proceeds to fund a national health system (HEALTH CARE REFORM!).

* 3. North Dakota and South Dakota: Consolidate. Are these two really so different? We can call it.... (drumroll, please)... DAKOTA!

* 4. Alabama, Mississippi: Since no one can spell Missisipipisii anyway, just combine them and them fight it out to determine whether Jackson or Montgomery is the new state capitol.

* 5. West Virginia: You don't have to disband it, per se, but strip its statehood, build a huge fence around it, send all of our felons there and turn it into our national prison (PRISON REFORM!).

* 6. Rhode Island: You're either part of Connecticut or Massachusetts. Just pick one.

* 7. Oklahoma: Face it, you want to be part of Texas. We already think of you as Texas' little sister. So just do it already.

* 8 and 9. Montana, Wyoming, Idaho: Merge these 3 lush beauties into one solid mountainous mass, and you have the largest state left in America by square mileage (remember, Alaska is no more), yet only 3MM residents in total.

* 10. Delaware: It was our first state, a fact of which its residents are most proud. But as far as contributions to the broader American ecosystem, well... they've got Joe Biden, an Air Force base and a NASCAR racetrack. WELCOME TO PENNSYLVANIA!

2. Create a Travel Ban

I don’t care what the Federal District Court for the Northwest says. Ban Deodorant rolls on clear and provides invisible protection for 24 hours. Yet their liquid roll-on product only comes in 3.5 oz sizes (which is too large for domestic air travel). Instead of changing or revising our travel laws, I’m issuing an executive order within my first week on the job demanding that Ban’s corporate holding company, KAO, begins manufacturing and distributing Ban in a travel size.

(In other words, a travel Ban.)

3. Impose More Sanctions

The imposition of diplomatic, economic and military sanctions against foreign nations dates back for hundreds of years (though was somewhat standardized by United Nations treaties after WWII). But we don’t use these nearly enough. A Romanian swimmer is caught doping after beating a U.S. swimmer at the Olympics? BOOM. Sanctions! Too much curry in your All Gobi Masala? BOOM. Sanctions! A visiting tourist from France tries to light a cigarette in your favorite Manhattan bar? BOOM. Sanctions!

4. Convert the Dakota Access Pipeline into a Water Slide

I read that the Dakota Pipeline began pumping oil last week. What a joke. The last thing this country needs is more oil pumping through the heartland. But instead of tearing down the costly construction project, we could easily convert it into something we don't have nearly enough of: water slides. Also, think of how many people will save on airfare who need to get from North Dakota to central Illinois!

5. Outlaw Hunting of All Animals. (Except for Opossums.)

Bradley L. Marlow

Yup, I'm going there. And since I was elected by the largest electoral college mandate in American history, just try and stop me. Sure, the Second Amendment gives us the right to bear arms, but I'm not coming for your guns, I promise. (I'm well aware of the constitutional limits on a President to change the Constitution.) But I could spin a relatively convincing argument that hunting is a threat to our national security and force this through by executive order.

Also, I am irrationally terrified of opossums.

6. Repeal the Seventh Amendment

You have no idea what the seventh amendment says, nor would you miss it if it was gone. (Okay fine, to save you from having to Google it, this one ensures the right to a jury trial.) But almost anyone who should serve on a jury is usually smart enough to get out of having to serve on the jury, thus leaving the dregs of society to judge your fate. No thanks.

7. Establish MORE Sanctuary Cities. For Wildlife Only.

So-called "sanctuary cities" are getting a bad rep on Fox News lately, but no one who lives outside of one actually understands what it is and the value they add. Therefore, I will be proposing legislation to convert some of the lowest-functioning cities in America to WILDLIFE Sanctuary cities, and force all humans to move out by 2022. I'd start with the following:

* 1. Enid, Oklahoma (pop.: 50,685)

* 2. Bristol, Tennessee (pop.: 26,674)

* 3. Slidell, Louisiana (pop.: 27,567)

* 4. Columbus, Nebraska (pop.: 22,584)

* 5. Bullhead City, AZ (pop.: 39,424)

8. Waste Reduction

The internet is a vast, amazing resource, and you all are ruining it with too much garbage. Pointless blog posts about nothing (like this one), baseless, fact-free “news” articles and countless photos of animals. So step 1 in waste reduction is declaring an end to cat memes and feline humor across the web. You either think they’re ironically humorous (looking at you, hipsters) or just adorably loveable (looking at you, single women in your mid-30’s). It’s neither, so just stop it.

9. Pardon President Trump

Perhaps the most controversial points of my platform, but after beating President Mike Pence to become the 46th President of the United States, one of my first acts in office will be to Pardon the impeached and imprisoned 45th President of the United States, Donald J. Trump. While I know President Pence couldn't free his former boss for the sake of public perception, I would have the power to heal a still divided nation and let Trump go on living life as a private citizen again.

10. Federalize the National Football League

In times of crisis, the President has the power to "federalize," or mobilize, the National Guard. Well, nowhere does it say that the President cannot federalize a national sports league. Think of a popular vote on critical rule changes in all sports. Or the elimination of television commercials in between half innings in baseball games (instead limiting ad breaks after the bottom of full innings). In fact, why don't the commissioners of all sports leagues, as well as the United States Olympic Committee, report directly to the Secretary of Sports?

Which leads me to...

11. Comprehensive Immigration Package

Over the past few years, we've given those who want to move to America every reason NOT to want to move to America. But 2020 is the time for our compassionate nation to open its doors to more of the very people who need our protection. (We don't need new legislation, just better enforcement of what's on the books.)

Ensuring their prosperity requires giving each new immigrant a care package upon their arrival. In that package would include various welcoming items, but also keys to a free room for up to 3 years at one of the former Trump hotels or resorts (converted to immigrant housing after the 2018 property seizure).

12. Introduce New Cabinet Posts

In addition to our Secretary of Sports, we also need a Department of Entertainment (imagine all aspects of content creation and distribution organized in once central place), a Department of Photoshop Verification (that determines which pictures in Us Weekly and OK Magazine are real and which have been touched up) as well as a Department of Weather (too many mistakes, not enough central governance in our current National Weather Service). Let's not forget a Department of Justice, to ensure and protect the rights of all American citizens. That group could even be led by a qualified, knowledgeable Attorney General.

13. Speed Limit Variability

Local states are responsible for different speed limits on their roads, and while I wouldn’t have the power to change it, I would work across with Congress (or they would work with me) to pass legislation that creates different speed limits for each lane of all federal highways, interstates and roadways. 100 MPH in the left lane, 80 MPH in middle lanes, 75 in the right-most lane.

(Also, Speed Minimum Limits!)

14. Eradicate the Use of Bureaucratic Acronyms

Some say government is too big. Others argue that it doesn’t do enough to help the little man. As President, who am to decide? But I do know that the names for government agencies are too complex, and their acronyms are too confusing. Just call them what they are or do. Like:

* EPA: No, this isn’t the European Pronunciation Agencie, it’s the Environmental Protection something… but why can’t we call it the Saving the Earth Group?

* DEA: What’s this one, the Department of Education Academy? I have no clue.

* FEMA: Federal equipment movement… I give up here. But as President, we’re going to simplify and solidify.

15. Eliminate Age as a Requirement for Voting

Richard Hutchings / Getty Images

If you can read, you should be able to vote regardless of your age. I know plenty of smart, informed 8 year-olds who have more of a right to vote than people my own age (and that's just within my own family). Decisions are being made about their lives and futures, so to deny these citizens a say in their representative government is certainly not what our rich, white, male founding fathers had envisioned 230 years ago.

16. Stop Terrorism

Seriously, can't we just stop it with this shit already?

Let's just make it illegal and move on.

17. Necktie Prohibition

A relic of a long bygone era, formal suits and neckties on men are holding us back as a society. So for all you Wall Street tycoon, lawyers and funeral attendees, you can still look great in a suit without tying a long piece of fabric into a convoluted knot that does nothing more than serve as an arrow pointing to your small penis. Of course, just as we saw with alcohol prohibition in the 1920's, one unintended byproduct could be the rise of underground necktie speakeasies popping up below Men's Warehouse stores nationwide.

18. Mandatory Waiting Period for Social Media Posting

There may be no greater threat to America than real-time interaction and information sharing on social and digital media. Which is why, with the exception of accredited news/media outlets (as deemed by me, the President, obviously), I will introduce legislation within my first 100 days requiring all individuals to wait 48 hours before being able to post anything to social media.

19. Enforcement of Proper Grammar

For those whom use grammar perfectly, this will come as a shocking thing to all of them.

(How'd I do?)

But the centralized codification and enforcement of syntax and grammar rules, in both written and verbal communication, will help reduce inefficiencies and misunderstandings, as well as improve our competitiveness at international grammar competitions.

20. Impose Term Limits

My Presidential role model happens to be James K. Polk, who ran on the promise of only serving one term provided he accomplished his pre-established goals. During his administration Polk acquired California from Mexico, annexed Texas, settled the Oregon dispute, lowered tariffs, reformed the Treasury and rode off into the sunset after just four years. (Actually, he died just 103 days after leaving office.) He ALSO acquired Texas, hosted the first White House Thanksgiving dinner, established the Naval Academy and created the Smithsonian.

So, America, elect me, and we'll accomplish the first 19 promises TOGETHER, and then you'll never hear from me again.

You in?