The Playground: It’s a Jungle Out There

When you have young children, the playground becomes your new hangout. In many ways, the playground is just like a watering hole in the African Serengeti. Teaming with life, this delicate ecosystem is home to both friend and foe. In order to survive, one must quickly learn who is who…

1. The Nervous Newbie: Worrius Constantus

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This is the parent who packs like a Sherpa for their hour long trip to the playground with items for every emergency you could ever think of – back up clothes for their kid's back up clothes, several packs of wipes, several packs of diapers, food for a month, an first aid kit that includes a full triage center, educational toys for the car, and twelve different types of sunscreen. So concerned with their accessories, it's not surprising to see them leaving the baby in the car seat on the hood of the car as they walk to the playground.

2. Big Kid Dad: Neverus Growupus

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This guy gives Peter Pan a run for his money. He definitely enjoys every minute of nailing kids in dodge ball. At the playground, you can usually find him climbing the jungle gym right along with his kids and pushing other kids out of the way to be the first one down the slide. And when it’s time to go home, his kids are usually the ones who insist that it is time to go.

3. Black Hawk Down Mom: Hoverus Maximus

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Possibly related to the Nervous Newbie, this over-protective hovering parent’s sole responsibility in life is to make sure their child’s butt never hits the ground. She can leap in a single bound and ensure her child never touches the soft rubber-padded ground. She’s the mom who walks her kid the whole way across the very low to the ground balance beam. If her kid tries to climb something high, her voice goes up an octave as she tells her kid they will fall and shatter their face into a million pieces.

4. The Bobby Knight Dad: Screamus Constantus

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This very short-tempered alpha male will do whatever it takes to make sure his offspring follows in his footsteps to become king of the jungle. Anything short of that and he's failed as a parent.

5. Beverly Hills Mom: I’dRatherBeShoppingus

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This mom thought it would be fun have to a child. It was a trend with her friends like the latest accessory. She loves dressing her child up in the cute fashions made for little ones. But now that she’s on to the next trend, she is so over it. She spends her time here at the playground with her eyes glued to her iPhone or gossiping with other members of her species. When her finely dressed child skips up to her asking her to play, she immediately yells out to her nanny who quickly whisks the child away like a stealthy ninja.