5 Step Guide To Connecting With Your Crush On Valentine's Day!!!

If you're lonely on Valentine's Day, here's a last minute fix to find romance with your crush!

For this love connection you'll need:

-At least 2 strands of 9.5-9.9 mm climbing rope

-Industrial grade duct tape (I like Uline)

-A sturdy chair

-An abandoned warehouse

-A dangling lightbulb (optional, but really sets the mood)

-1 chloroform soaked rag

-Your crush

Step 1: Find your crush

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If you're looking at this post, you probably have someone in mind, and likely know where they are at any given moment of the day!

Step 2: Flirt

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Once you locate your crush, with a soft smile and seductive gaze, take your chloroform rag and gently smother it over their mouth. They'll melt right into your arms!

Step 3: Bring them to your romantic locale

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Now for some muscle! Drag your crush's body over to the abandoned warehouse and sit them in that sturdy chair. Tie them up with the climbing rope--let this be a gentle caress. Place the duck tape over their mouth, try to resist sneaking a kiss in!

Step 4: Wait until your crush regains consciousness

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Be patient! This is a good time to flick on the lightbulb and perhaps add other personal touches like broken glass or signs of struggle. Your crush will be knocked out for a good 20-30 minutes, so when they come to be prepared to act like you just found them like this.

Step 5: Fall in love

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Your crush will be very disoriented when they regain consciousness, but rip the tape off their mouth and say, "Thank goodness I found you!" They might ask, "why am I tied up in this chair?" And to that, all you have to do is shush them and let your love story begin.

Tips:

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-Some might say that this list resembles instructions for kidnapping, but don't listen. Love conquers all!

-Don't let anyone see you do this--it ruins the intimacy.

-Make sure you keep extra chloroform on hand in case your crush gets a little frisky.

-Plan a fun date for after you untie them, maybe ice skating?

-DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LET THEM GO TO THE POLICE.

-Most importantly, have fun and be yourself!