1.
You haven't experienced true awkwardness unless you've waved back at someone who was actually waving at someone else
2.
i hate when i first meet someone and i'm all shy at first like no this ain't really me just wait
3.
4.
Date: I love dogs Me: [trying to think of something to impress her] my dad is a dog
5.
*calling you out of the blue* Hey I was just overthinking something you said a couple months back. Call me back when you have a chance!
6.
[date] Her: OMG my dad keeps texting me he's so annoying Me: [hoping to impress her] yeah he's a piece of shit
7.
I do the mannequin challenge every time a stranger knocks on my front door.
8.
9.
an unrequited high-5 from 1989 is still haunting me
10.
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills? ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying 'Decent'*
11.
HER: You look so nervous. ME: *nervously* HA. I'm never nervous. HER: You're sweating. ME: *just freaking out* That's bravery moisture.
12.
Spinning away from conversations Wonder Woman style is quite effective
13.
Sometimes I get flustered by waitresses and I say things like "Abso-fruit-ly!" and they laugh like I'm so clever but we both know
14.
In retrospect, "so I guess we would all look the same if we were made into sausage" was probably weird small talk for a funeral.
15.
The best part about it getting dark earlier is that it's socially acceptable to go bed earlier.
16.
"I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure." - Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
17.
Pal: "on your date, ask her about herself. Oh! And girls love a guy into animals" Me: "how much do you weigh? about as much as baby cow?"
18.
*someone hands me a baby* Oh... no thank you *places baby on the ground*
19.
*First Date* Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me. Him: There's cheese in your hair. And we haven't eaten yet.
20.
21.
[elevator small talk from now on] THEM: So what's new with you? ME: Not much. Living an unimaginable nightmare. You? THEM: Same. Same.
22.
[making small talk at work] What do you think about abortion?
23.
[keeps slapping empty glass ketchup bottle until the entire cafe is silent]
24.
I'm not antisocial I just don't people.