The Great British Song Massacre (aka The John Lewis Christmas Ad)

It's all John Lewis' fault. They started it! How many more brilliant songs are we going to trash with the hipster trend of wispy lazy female vocals? Give me Courtney Love any day. (NB - Lily Allen is also allowed).

Fairy annoying

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Let's start with one we all know. This song is universal. I belted it out as a small child whilst lined up in assembly along with other snotty nosed kids. In fact, not only did I have the energy to belt it out loudly and proudly, I also managed to throw in the actions. As did every other child in play school. I swear, if 5 year olds are learning this song a la lazy hipster advert stylee instead of sneakily pouring the remains of the washing up liquid down the sink so they can turn the plastic bottle into a space rocket then something has gone seriously wrong with the world.

Thomson Holidays - give us a break!

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Yeah it's kind of cute isn't it. Piano is sweet, her voice lush. But it's another song that's gone from belt-it-out loud to I really can't be bothered. Black Francis could be bothered though. I can hear his strangled screams in my head right now. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying all ads get it wrong - look at the Visa ad. Doing the Pixies proud. Sad thing is, that's all about ££s that one. Although you could probably do with some of their plastic in order to book your Thomson Holiday...

Half a tune away...

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I LIKE this ad. I do. It's lush. And I wont pretend I hate all the other John Lewis adverts. Because I do become a bit obsessed at this time of year with the excitement of another Christmas yet to come. It's the cover trend that I hate. It's the, 'oh, listen, another laid back wispy cover well that's a surprise' scenario. If you're going to do another cover this year, please, PLEASE give it some welly. OR, I know, you could commission something new....we'd like that.

SORRY BUT I LOVE THIS

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Lily can do it. I can't argue with this at all. She's bloody lovely. End of. This one WILL NOT go to room 101.

Please, please, please let me get that over-priced gadget for Christmas

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Nice story actually. But all feels a little too spoilt-brat-like with the soundtrack. I'm sure Morrissey didn't intend for that, surely?

But if Tori can cover Chas n Dave like a legend...

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...then it's not about women not being able to cover these songs. OF COURSE THEY CAN! It's about big ad agencies stepping away from the wispy voiced hipster trend and commissioning something with a bit more steel.

So I will end with this. JOHN LEWIS, please, please, please let me get what I want this Christmas. An advert featuring this cover by Tori Amos, a dancing snowman, a barking dog and a little touch of Victoriana. Thank you.