A Gal's Recap Of The Bachelor: Week Two!

a lady describes the show we all know and love

intro

Wow, I can't believe we're back in the Pennsylvania woods. It feels trivial to be writing about this considering last week's failed coup on the capital but I guess we all need to keep laughing! Haha!! And nothing will keep ABC from ratings, so this show will go the fuck on.

Matt takes a run and a post run outdoor rinse, and I'm quickly reminded that you'll never see the women doing this. Mostly because they are on strict lockdown and not allowed to leave the immediate premises!!

The women all saunter down to what is quickly dubbed the "Matteau," and I am actually impressed they came up with that. Christ, sorry, Chris, joins the ladies and informs them that this week will include two one on one dates and one group date. He also adds that not everyone will get a date this week- stakes raised. This is exactly how we start to build insecurity among these women (also, note, what this whole franchise is built upon).

Chelsea reads the date card: Bri, love is an adventure, Matt.

One on One with Bri

Immediately, Bri responds with a, "I wore my worst outfit today! And adventure? Sounds like something fun and crazy- which is NOT my usual self! Hehe!"

Matt magically appears and they only get 30 feet onto the grounds before two 4 wheelers appear They both helmet up and go for a rip, eh. Bri again asks, "Are we going to drive these??" No, Bri, they're here for decoration!! You're taking a walk!! JFC!

When the girls see Bri and Matt away, they regroup in the foyer. Victoria wastes no time in being a piece of shit, and starts in on the "I'm not happy for her and I don't want to be in a sorority, I want to date Matt and I'm not here for you guys." Very cool, no one asked. Thanks for sharing.

I'll chat about this once, but this is actually a little prelude to Victoria's attitude *checks notes,* for the whole episode. Between each segment is a little blip of her spiraling. And as much as I want to make jokes- because, boy, are there so many to make- I actually think she's suffering from some severe insecurity and projecting, and while I will never miss an opportunity to take the low road, this one I'm going to bypass. Why ABC insists on this shit for ratings is beyond me; knowing we'd full well all show up to watch the same boring shit even without someone mentally unsound. I digress...

Matt asks Bri to hop onto his disco stick and questions, "Do you trust me??" Next thing we know, Bri and Matt manage to flip the vehicle. Listen, I grew up on a farm and have flipped one a time or two, and while easy to flip, theirs had to have had a pull rope beneath it- looked fake as shit. But ABC is really raising the stakes and lawsuits this year.

True to form, tale as old as time, in the middle of the woods exists a fantastical wood-fired hot tub. They strip out their muddy clothes- eye fucking each other during said strip- and climb in.

For the dinner portion of the date, Bri reveals that her mother had her at 13, and that it's always been her and her mother. During quarantine, her mother found a fiance and became pregnant again, leading her to feel displaced. The topic of her dad comes up, and Matt is able to relate considering his dad is relatively also out of the picture. The two bond over similar upbringings.

Matt toasts to their continued adventure together. He tells her he doesn't want to leave any doubt in her mind and is glad for how adventurous and vulnerable she's been tonight. He offers her the rose and she accepts.

The two make sense together but I'll be honest, I didn't feel much chemistry between these two, outside of their similarities.

Fireworks pop off just for those two, oh em gee. While they're playing tonsil hockey, the girls are witnessing the first of a few dozen fireworks displays they'll see this season.

Back at the mansion, Victoria continues to spiral. As in, after shouting to the group her feelings regarding being on a DATING SHOW THAT INCLUDES 30 OTHER WOMEN, she continues to drive home that she's not here to enjoy the friendship aspects of the show. She then openly adds she doesn't want to be on a group date, and is here for one on one's only!!

The date card reads, "Chelsea, Serena P., Abigail, Sydney, Illeana, Kristin, Lauren, Jessenia, Serena C., Kit, Kylie, Katie, MJ, Mari, Pieper, Rachael, Victoria - I'm looking for the One- Matt"

I... can only write about mental breakdowns so much; something about watching the leader of the free world have them for the last 4 years is... worn and taxed. Victoria manages to pivot AGAIN and tries to stir up the girls yet again. Dude, we're thirty minutes into episode two and she is doing everything she can to garner screen time or spiral?? It's hard to say!!

Group Date

The interns hand out umbrellas to everyone as the selected ladies make their way across the property and see Matt modeling for Franco (Bach nation's resident photographer??) who definitely did the drugs that Anna has been hiding in her room.

For this date, Matt wants to imagine what his wedding day would look like because he's never witnessed one?? Not a good reason.

The ladies actually all put on wedding dresses that were bought at a fraction of the cost while the wedding industry fell out this year. They then take turns under an outfitted arch taking fake wedding photos with Matt. I'll be honest, they flash the photos post posing, and these photos are actually shit. Who is this photographer?? I have taken better pictures blacked out on my iPhone 5s.

Thankfully, they only let this shit go on for twenty minutes before Chris Harrison interrupts and informs the ladies they're actually going to have to beat the shit out of each other by playing Capture the Heart (flag... I know, it's a reach). The twist, is that the women will have to tag their opponents with paint. And the rules include no rules, which is definitely ABC inviting and inciting them to beat the shit out of each other. Like I said, really into lawsuits this season. In some way, I feel like I'm about to witness the coup all over again.

In a surprise, the women actually seem like they're enjoying themselves. The red team comes out on top. Mari takes the MVP. The gold team walks away in shame. It's a big sad, but I think they forget they have a full stocked bar back at the house.

The ladies join up for the evening portion of the date. Lauren sits down with Matt first, and discusses what she's looking for in a partner; namely, a christian man to lead her future family. Matt adds that he's never led with a Christian mindset as the first step, and it further affirms that's how he'd like to build a relationship. He enjoys his little North Carolina connection with Lauren.

Jessenia has a few moments with him and reveals her insecurities and then asks for a kiss.

I wasn't sure someone could give a bigger speech of insecurity, but Victoria raises her hand and makes her way downstage to Matt. The way she talks reminds me of Arie's Lauren- very vague, nonsensical. "I love that, I want to share more things, I want to be deep and open with you, I'm unique," type and its ?? at best. Matt does his best to save face and do light banter before asking, "Can I take you back upstairs?" She says sure, but you gotta kiss me first, Matt!! Kiss me, Matt!!! KISS ME!!! In her cut screen, she adds that she hasn't been this open to a guy in a long time. WHAT!! WHAT!!!

As for the group date rose, Matt gives it to Lauren. Victoria is very confused.

One on One with Sarah

The date card reads, "The sky is the limit for us." Fleur Delacour wins again. Ugh!!

They're going to take a different vantage point in a biplane. More than that, I want to know how the fuck ABC managed to get the rights to play the Pirates of the Caribbean title track under this little montage.

The pilot is one cruel dude though, as he repeatedly flies overtop Matteau. The girls scream in anguish. The cutest little old man lands this plane and Matt and Sarah chill on a couch in the middle of the Pennsylvania. This is what dreams are made of. In the theme of these one on ones, God and Family, Sarah opens up about hers. But only a little.

Matt is having a great time with Sarah, but he can tell she's struggling to open up. Which is wild, that you have to lay it all out on the first chance you get because if you're not willing to spill your whole bloody tragic story in the first chance you get, count yourself out of the next round!!

Taco Bell

The real valuable player in tonight's episode, a Nacho Fries commercial by Live Mas Productions revealing the Nacho Fries return to the Taco Bell menu. It's beautifully put on starring Sarah Hyland and Joe Keery, with a horror twist to it. Really, cinematic.

Evening portion

Matt does his best to coax the emotions and vulnerability out of Sarah, and now that she's backed into a corner, Sarah, though she has trouble, leans into it and shares her dad's ALS diagnosis, and that her dad has progressed. She came home to San Diego and quit her job to be a caregiver to her dad. She doesn't break emotion too much talking about it. Matt talks about his faith being his stronghold and that he'll be praying for her dad. He feels honored that she's here, and her dad wanted her to go out and find love despite the sacrifice.

Matt asks what he can do throughout this experience to show her that he's someone she'd want to be with. Which is... a lovely and bold thing to suggest. Why can't we have more untouched bachelors?? Why can't we have more Matts?? Matt gives her the One on One rose, and they tongue punch each other. When Matt pulls away, her white makeup is printed on his nice- her own personal property now.

They make their way to the hot tub and she manages to not straddle him?? Wild. And, missed opportunity.

Hot tubs, for the record, way better than fireworks.

Cocktail Party

Matt gives some half hearted toast because he's absolutely wiped from being ridden all week.

He catches up with Abigail. Their relationship is so easy and light hearted. They make a little secret move to let each other know they're thinking of each other.

Marylynn is the first to crack openly and kinda hyperventilates that she missed time with Matt this week. He responds, "Okay, I remember how you like orchids, *snaps, snaps at intern* so I got you these orchids!!" She's smitten, but orchids are not roses, so a loss is a loss.

Victoria sees this and, despite saying she doesn't want to talk to Matt about other girls, pulls him aside to tell him how terrible Marylynn is. Like how she is toxic and kicked her out of their bedroom (neither happened). Matt is hurt, and is going to get to the bottom of this. Marylynn gives a very level explanation. Matt is confused who to believe.

Rose Ceremony

In addition to Bri, Lauren, and Sarah, the additional roses go to:

Pieper

Kit (trust fund baby)

Magi

Rachael (Rebecca Black)

Abigail

Chelsea

Jessenia

Katie

Serena C. (the good one)

Brief interruption of Sarah walking off nearly fainting. BUT NOT BRIEF ENOUGH BECAUSE THEY'RE PUSHING THIS SHIT OFF TIL NEXT WEEK.

Right as Victoria calls herself an empath, Marylynn wants to sit down with Victoria to talk to her. The other girls clear out for a private conversation, Marylynn tries to sit down and Victoria does this weird couch hop game. Marylynn finally caves and apologizes and after fishing for 40 minutes, Victoria refuses to accept the apology she begged for and chalks their relationship up to, "Oil and Vinegar." Ladies and gentlemen... Victoria is contradictory, stupid, and confused how sayings work??

The girls bring up a valid point of, Victoria why did you need to bring up personal relations between the girls? And Victoria doesn't have a good answer. Other than she's here for Matt and that her boyfriend should know what's on her mind. Woof.

Chris Harrison rings the bell, wa wa wee ladies it's time to hand out some roses. Ready or not, here comes sadness!

Rose Ceremony

Matt is stressed and leans to Chris for some clarity.

M: "Yeah man, I'm just like, I don't know a little stressed cause I'm learning some things about the girls and what's going on with them tonight."

C: "Oh like Victoria and Marylynn?"

M: *eyes him* "You know?"

C: "Oh yeah dude, we're staging and spinning the whole thing."

M: "Sick. Thanks."

In addition the Bri, Lauren, and Sarah, roses or dished out to:

Pieper

Kit (trust fund, Bennett's future wife)

Magi

Rachael (Rebecca Black)

Abigail

Chelsea

Jessenia

Katie

Serena C.

Just as we are only a handful of women in, Sarah goes off kilter, literally, and *nearly* passes out. Producers high five off camera, the roofies worked!! Drama curated!! Wee!!

I'll warn you all now, Victoria is in the preview for next week, so put your hopes right back down. This fucking show.

TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK.