A Gal's Recap Of The Bachelor: Week 8

a lady who is way too invested describes the show we all know and love

Here we are folks, the elusive, but ever enjoyed, Hometown dates. This week always promises us a chance to see exactly where the ladies grew up and the wonderful people that made them (absolutely fucking crazy). It's also an excellent time to watch four women try to convince their families that they aren't brainwashed and really do love this person after about a month and a half. (Not to mention, it's also interesting as the women get to choose a date showcasing themselves ). What isn't there to love about Hometowns? (I'll tell you what, no fucking fence jump- I'm breaking it to you early but will touch on it later). Let's begin.

Colton's Monologue

Colton touches on the past few weeks' journey to get here; and most notably, how his biggest fear is that someone won't love him back. He's starting fresh as he steps into meeting four families!!

Caelynn's Hometown

We catch the beauty queen in Fredericksburg, Virginia. I have to remind myself that Caelynn moved to North Carolina and doesn't originally hail from there. She greets Colton and they board a horse and buggy. In the slowest mode of transportation possible, Caelynn drags him around the town past strip malls, fast food joints, and little southern houses before finally pulling up to an ice cream parlor. Who doesn't love small town USA!!

(PS, I don't know how and why horses became an odd staple in romanticism, but I'm thankful that the Bachelor franchise singlehandedly keeps some of these businesses in operation).

They sit down and snack on ice cream before Colton dives into his feelings. He adds that he's glad he can see where she's from; it makes him excited to be able to see their potential life together- and how they'd adopt dogs, travel, and have babies together. Wowza. This is such a unique thing to desire and it's nearly impossible to find someone else who wants these things!! They are so lucky to know each other!!

Caelynn jumps in to add that he'll be meeting her whoooole family. And that's not an exaggeration- it's about to be a goddamn family reunion. Her biological dad isn't really a part of her life, so he won't be there, but don't worry! There will be plenty of other people to harass him!!

They arrive to a type of backyard/ in between houses bbq & deep fry festival. It quickly becomes clear that Caelynn's step dad, John, is going to be the difficult one. Also, I'm not convinced that Caelynn's mom isn't actually Jennifer Jason Leigh, the mom from Atypical.

Just as they sit down to enjoy dinner, Caelynn's sister grabs her to chat. In summary, her sister is unconvinced, but adds that she only wants the best for her. At the same time Colton sits down with the Jennifer Jason Leigh and she too empathizes that it's good Colton feels strongly about her, but expresses that she, too, is skeptical.

Finally, Caelynn's dad has conversations with them both. With her, John (dad) adds that everything she's said has sounded like the two could just be friends (hehe) - Caelynn is defensive and sniffling from apparently a previous cry session. She flips the script and instead of arguing about their difference of opinions on Colton, she instead praises him for being a great makeshift dad. LOL he falls for it and ends their conversation on a good note.

As far as John's conversation with Colton, he asks some good and valid questions; Colton's response is, "I don't know her that well so we need to continue to get to know each other- and if that goes well I need to know if I can have your permission to marry her." John, literally says yes. That's how simple that is. It's freaking wild, y'all.

Hannah's Hometown

We join Hannah in Birmingham, Alabama. True to tradition, she mounts Colton and follows the ritual with some crazy eyes and in true "Get Out," fashion, says, "I can't wait to show you what the south is all about." I know neither of them are African American, but in the movie's sense- the whole thing sounds cultic and feels a little off.

Continuing on the trend, she tells him, "I'm going to try to turn you into the perfect southern gentleman." A manners class. That's what she fucking brought him to. No, seriously, the shit you see in 1600's recreations where the girls are learning how to eat properly when all they want to do is going outside and ride the ponies into town like the boys?? but can't because they've got to learn how to eat their crumpet correctly?? THAT'S WHAT THIS IS.

It's disguised as an etiquette class. This lady (unnamed) puts a book on his head and makes him walk. Luckily, Colton aces this test with flying colors. Up next, they all sit down for dinnertime manners. The woman explains where to put the napkin, the correct way to pass food, and how to eat bread. Fascinating and I can almost guarantee no one at tonight's dinner will be following suit.

After that train wreck, they jet off to meet Hannah's family. This includes her mom and dad and a girl gang of cousins (maybe a sister is in there??) I don't want to poke fun of anyone, BUT I will because there are some true gem of jokes in here that need to be said.

First of all, I can't help but wonder how many times Hannah's cousin has asked to speak to a manager; and beyond that, her mother is a 50/50 split between Elton John and a true crime commentator. There, I said it. It's off my chest and I feel better now.

Hannah's girl gang asks a few questions but also is mostly supportive of Colton (probably because he's the hottest guy they've ever seen in this town).

Hannah's dad doesn't give too much discourse and says that Colton can marry his daughter. The big conflict (real gem) here is Hannah's sweet mom. She is so staunchly obsessed with Hannah's well being that the only reason she backs off on biting Colton's head off is due to how devastated she'd be if her and her daughter ever had a real conflict.

Then it hits me, this is the same woman who drove through her dad's lawn. Fuck.

The two wrap up with the family and head outside. Hannah confesses to Colton that she is falling in love with him. All is right in the world and going according to plan. Another successful hometown date.

Tayshia's Hometown

We meet Tayshia in Santa Ana/ Orange County, California. Tayshia dry humps him before pulling out a red blind fold. Despite what she says, this absolutely is the Bird Box challenge where she drives/ drags him out to a remote location to go skydiving.

After Tayshia manages to not kill him in what is truly a Fast and Furious sequel gone wrong, they pull up to the hangar. Their instructor tries their best to be lighthearted but neither Colton nor Tayshia want to actually do this but their relationship is all about trust and pushing each other so this is what she thought up?? Logic.

They suit up and ascend. Just as Colton's about to jump we get a nice voiceover, "Dear God, please let me survive this fall. I still have to lose my virginity. I don't know what I'm missing yet but I heard it's really good. Amen."

They jump and manage to not die. Sad. After a sweet montage of their descent towards Earth, they sit down and have a little chat. Due to their two extreme sporting events, they really trust each other!! That is how trust is built!!

Colton tells Tayshia he is falling in love with her. They're bright eyed and bushy tailed right before she reminds him that tonight he has to meet her father, and he ain't here to fuck around.

Colton and Tayshia walk in and are greeted warmly by Tayshia's Dad, Mom, and two brothers. The family asked about their day and Colton makes a joke about how after skydiving, meeting them would be cake. Well, needless to say, he really fucked up with that one and apparently daddy Tay doesn't have a humorous bone to be spared for this cuckhold.

They split off; mommy and daughter, and daddy and his fresh meat. Mommy just wants her girl to be loved and taken care of. Riveting.

Daddy, on the other hand... Brings up some good points- the first being, that there are still three other women. He asks that Colton respects her and is honest with her and lets her know where she stands among the ladies (meaning that if he is having similar feelings for them, she knows too). Sadly, Colton can't really read a room and asks Tayshia's dad for his blessing in marriage anyway, despite all of the hand and verbal signals daddy is giving.

This is how this conversation goes:

Dad: Colton, wow, you're laying it on me. I appreciate you manning up but... I just met you. I need to make sure it's the right thing. Straight up, you seem like a good guy. But I want her best interests."

And that's actually how the conversation goes because he shuts it down!! Haha!!

Clearly, there is more to be said here though as the night doesn't end there. Colton sits down with Tayshia's older brother. He reminds Colton that he works for the law and will find him and fuck him up. If Colton's balls haven't castrated themselves yet at this point, they ought to start thinking about it.

Tayshia and daddio chat. She really does his best to assuage his fears and concerns. He tells her it's not about being a nice guy, it's about what they can provide and bring to the table. He asks, "At this point is this truly where you heart wants you to be?" The producer off camera gives the thumbs up and mouths, "just like we rehearsed." She tells him absolutely!!

He says what is probably the smartest thing ever said to counter the premise of this show: You can't microwave relationships. but I'll be damned if ABC doesn't try!!

Tayshia won't give up though and eventually daddy folds and gives Colton his blessing. Barf.

Cassie's Hometown

Final stop, Huntington, California. I don't want to say that Cassie is a typical SoCal girl, but she definitely is. For their fun activity, Cassie takes him surfing. Nothing says love like trying to drown someone.

After getting lapped by the waves for a couple hours, the two sit down to flesh out (hehe) exactly where they are. Colton tells her that she knows where he stands and asks where she is. She literally tells him she doesn't know and that it's good and she'll have a better idea after he meets her family!! What!! I don't know if in the Bach franchise history we've ever had a lead so over the fence for a contestant and said contestant be so blaise about being interested! Amazing! This will be studied and picked apart for months to come.

Cassie's family is a bunch of clone hotties. Seriously, it's the spitting image of Jerry Gergich's (from Parks and Rec) hot wife and beautiful daughters. What and how.

The sisters grab Cassie and try to further define what their relationship is. Cassie assures her that she likes Colton but also who knows!!! haha!!

Colton and Cassie's mom discuss and the other women come up. She is a concerned mommy!! Colton says that he can't put his feelings into words but is absolutely head over heels for her. Her mom asks if Cassie has told him how she feels- Colton says no (womp) but that his biggest concern is if she can get there- he's fine if she doesn't vocalize for awhile! Haha!! That's the entire premise of this show but HAH!!

Next, Dad and Cassie talk. He asks her if she gets to the end of this, if she would get engaged and accept a proposal. She answers she doesn't know!! HAHA!!! I don't want to say Tayshia and those other nobodies were right but... They're right. If they were to head to the beach and pick up a conch shell they'd surely be able to hear Kirpa shouting about how fucking right she was from the mountains of Denver.

Also, amidst this conversation, Cassie starts to spiral out some. I wasn't sure if last week when she blew a gasket on Kirpa if she was having a moment or not but me starting to think that she is kinda loose with her reactions- and also, 23.

Colton sits down with daddy and asks for his permission to marry Cassie. He tells him it would be a premature blessing as this is so new and, I don't know, maybe not going to last and that would cheapen it?? Just a guess.

Cassie and Colton sit down at the end of the day and he point blank asks her, "Where are you at?" She tells him she wants to be 100% confident in anything she says to him. She is really excited to see where things can go between them and doesn't want things to be over between them. HAHAHAHAH!!!! She won't say anything!!!! Ugh, this is rich. No blessing, no idea how she feels about it. I don't want to say that this should be an easy choice but... ???

Rose Ceremony

Hannah G, Tayshia, Caelynn and Cassie all board planes and fly back LA for a five hour rose ceremony. It's one of my favorite parts of the season because what better way to burn someone than to make them hang out in LAX for 12 hours over the course of two days?? Nothing!!

Chris Harrison walks them all into a little white barn where one little piggy will be sent to the slaughter house. Colton gives a little spiel and rattles the names off:

Hannah, Tayshia, and Cassie.

Folks, you know what this means- bye bye Caelynn.

The real tragedy is breaking up the love story between Cassie and Caelynn. Before she goes she whispers in Cassie's ear, "Bye friend. Love you. Get engaged."

Colton walks her out and they sit outside while they wait for her Uber. Caelynn cries (PS, girl did NOT wear waterproof mascara- she came prepared for the dra-ma!!!) about her lost life together. She gives her best pitch for Bachelorette- and honestly, it's not too bad at all. She says that she never opens up but the one time she does, the guy doesn't have feelings for her!! She dreams that there is someone out there for her and that she has no idea what's going to come next (though it's either Bachelorette or Paradise, don't stress it too much baby girl).

Colton rejoins the ladies and the sip some champagne before Colton runs off to talk to Chris Harrison to likely ask how sex works or something. See you next week in what is promised to be the MOST. DRAMATIC. EPISODE. YET. Cherry popped and fence jumped.

XOXO