A Gal's Recap Of The Bachelor: Week 6

a lady who is way too invested describes the show we all know and love.

Sorry I'm late, folks. My full time job has me teching this week and I'm on the third 12 hour shift; but, unlike Colton and his relationship with 29 women, I will not give up! Last week we witnessed Colton grow closer to some women, as others grew doubtful. And still, a few managed to create the drama we all know and love. PS, I'm not convinced a producer hasn't just told all the women to tell Colton at some point that, 'someone isn't here for the right reasons and isn't ready.' It's genius. Let's unpack this week.

All rights to images go to ABC production.

We are graced with a quick recap of last week and immediately step into the previous bullshit between Onyeka and Nicole. Chris Harrison meets Colton down on the beach, eager to insert himself in the wild ‘n’ out – afterall, it is where he draws his life force. Also, he has to remind Colton that in three weeks he'll be laying pipe- and that's enough to hold out for.

Rose Ceremony pt.1

Chris gathers the women and we step into the Rose Ceremony.

Heather, Hannah B, and Cassie already have roses.

Caelynn, Tayshia, Kirpa (ps, found out that Kirpa is an idiot and fell on a rock in the ocean and busted her chin- case solved, no reason to call the Hardy Boys), Demi, Hannah G., Katie, and Sydney receive the remaining roses.

Meaning we say goodbye to none other than, Onyeka and Nicole. Womp, womp. Who could have seen this coming other than anyone with some social awareness?!

Next stop, Vietnam. I’m more excited than I should be to note at the end of this episode all who we lost in ‘Nam. Get it? It’s a war joke.

One on One with Hannah G.

The ladies settle into their bomb ass villa as the date card arrives. It’s addressed to Hannah G and reads, “We really knead this date.”

Bread. This date is about bread. Let’s get this bread.

Just kidding, I quickly realize it’s not about making bread as I had hoped, and instead it’s a spa date. Don’t leave college and ever stop learning, kids; otherwise you say dumb shit like half thought out bread jokes.

Meanwhile, Colton can’t stop talking about how fucking hot Hannah G is. It’s not that he’s wrong, but just that he definitely wants to smush.

This date, as far as making out sessions go, may give Cassie a run for her money.

Back at the house, Caelynn and Cassie are bold enough to say that Hannah G has spent her life skating by on her looks and I’m sorry folks, there’s nothing to hold back laughter here. Full blown cackling- how dense can they be?? Kettle meet pot!!!

Hannah and Colton sit down for dinner – or rather to watch their dinner get cold- and this is the conversation that transpires between them:

H: It’s really hard for me to open up. Like I always just put on a brave face for the people I love.

C: Like what? What made you feel like you had to do that?

H: Okay, for example, my parents’ divorce. Like, my dad loves his lawn. It’s silly. He mows it three times a week. And I just remember my mom driving through it to pack up her things to leave and like, the look on his face.

C: I don’t think it’s silly. I think it’s more than just driving on the lawn. It’s the first time you saw your mom do something to hurt your dad’s feelings.

Guys, that is NOT made up. I shit you not, that is word for word their whole conversation.

Barf. Colton is so amazed that she’s able to open up about the gutted lawn that he gives her the rose. They then jet off to listen to Vietnam’s version of a country band end cap to a date.

Group Date

The group date comes: Cassie, Heather, Tayshia, Caelynn, Katie, Hannah B, Sydney, Demi – Are you ready to fight for love? Colton.

We meet up with the girls on their date learning the ancient practice of vova nha?? Vovinam?? (spelling??) at the/a Hai Thai house. The girls (Hannah B.) are all pretty dedicated to learning the tactics. Once again, their hair is rarely worn up so you know they really give a shit about embracing and respecting seriousness of it all. (Except for this picture below, where the dudes running this date definitely told them to put it up- I'm making a point here!!!!)

Chris Harrison shows up and is joined by the host of Bachelor Vietnam before pairing the girls off. Sydney makes a funny joke about how she hopes Heather’s insurance works over there before she beats the virginity out of her too. It’s the best part about this; and even that is low hanging fruit.

Demi and Katie touch gloves and Katie absolutely separates Demi’s bark from her bite. It becomes clear rather quickly that there isn’t a lot to back up with her, and Colton, recognizing that even Demi doesn’t want to be on this group date, ends it early and heads into the cocktail hour of the date.

Things are starting to heat up and cool down all at once. Most relationships are fine; Katie and Sydney bring up their own concerns about their relationships to Colton, and Demi forces Colton to call her newly-released-from-federal-prison mom with her. It’s wild, y’all.

Sydney, unsatisfied by her initial talk, pulls Colton aside to clarify things. She ultimately and very tastefully tells Colton that she is going to remove herself. It’s probably the classiest exit I’ve seen in a long time. Before she goes, she adds that some people aren’t there for the right reasons. Ding.

One on One with Kirpa

Kirpa heads off to her one on one. It must be a pretty special day for he cause she has removed her bandaid for her fifteen minutes on television. This date is probably the most accurate representation of a real date back on planet earth (as far as conversations go). Besides snorkeling, it’s a very laid back exchange and Kirpa reveals she was previously engaged. She also speaks like a normal human and not like a giddy golden retriever personified.

I don’t have a lot to say about this date for two reasons: 1) I’m tired 2) I don’t care 3) this date is a pity date. Colton gives her the rose.

Demi grows her life force

Demi, determined to really run herself and image into the ground, heads to Colton’s suite after Kirpa gets back from her date. Demi dead serious tells the cameras that she is going to devirginize Colton. It’s a bold strategy, Cotton, let’s see if it plays out for her. He opens the door, clearly in a pretty good mood, and she starts in on the normal bachelor pitch about falling in love. Colton’s giddy smile begins to turn down and even this piece of milk toast realizes that he can’t feign a future with her.

Demi pulls her hands to her face- it’s hard to tell if it’s to block tears or her smile knowing that she’s secured a spot in Paradise. But, she’s no bitch, and cries a single tear for the image. Colton gives her a big hug and walks her out, not begofe she takes one last dig and says, “You’re going to go with a safe choice and not end up happy in the long run.” This is what crazy girls say to justify their psycho tendencies. And, yet, at the same time I am going to miss Demi. RIP (rest in Paradise), sweet one.

Rose Ceremony pt. 2

The ladies get dolled up for their rose ceremony in Thailand. Chris Harrison does what he does best and busts in Kool-Aid style and announces that there will be no cocktail party; Colton knows what he’s going to do. OH YEAH!!

Sydney and Demi got the boot earlier, and Tayshia, Kirpa and Hannah G. have roses already. The remaining four go to:

Hannah B., Caelynn, Cassie, and Heather.

This means we say goodbye to Katie. Womp, womp. Dare I say... Those we lost in 'Nam.

There’s five more minutes in this episode though and honestly someone needs to tell me what the fuck is going to happen. Fence jump please!!

Colton walks Katie out and they have a moment outside the stretch Hummer in a piece that we can call, “Katie’s Lament.” It’s very dramatic, and to add to it, a producer in the bushes shouts and waves a BIP contract, “Don’t forget!!” Katie looks back to Colton and says, “You have a great group of girls in there. You know who is ready in there, and you know who isn’t.”

His head is spinning as he begins to put the pieces together- "Am I fucking missing something?!" - and he heads back in to address the girls.

“Katie is the third person this week to tell me that someone here isn’t ready. One or whoever it is, needs to come clean.” He walks away and the women speculate just exactly who is there to grow their Instagram fanbase and who is there to take a grown man's virginity. Episode over.

The previews for next week are all the tits. Next week is THE week for the drama. Just as I start to zone out and lapse back into my normal life, I hear Colton’s voiceover say, “When I lose my virginity, it’s going to be tender, passionate, and the greates thing she’s ever felt.” That single handedly might be the best thing I’ve ever heard and also the worst. Please no one ruin reality for him.

See ya then!