A Gal's Recap Of The Bachelor: Week 5

a lady who is way too invested describes the show we all know and love

Welcome back humans. This week promises two One on Ones, a Group Date, and after last week was clear skies for six minutes, some new drama.

Welcome to Thailand!

ABC gives us the typical, "Here's regular life in Thailand," editing as it pans between locals and elephants before settling in on the girls literally being let out of their cages and allowed to walk on the beach, seemingly unsupervised but we fucking know there are PAs corralling them cattle style just off screen. One PA is accidentally caught on screen begging Demi not to make a run for it... again. What will she do next!?

The women settle into their villa (woah, upgrade!!) and are wooing over the fact that this is a nice ass set up. Yeah, ladies, it is; soak it up. Before they can bask in the nicety of this all, a date card comes.

One on One with Heather

Heather has been chosen and for it being this far into the game, it is quite easy to tell none of the other women feel threatened. They all happily send Never-Been-Kissed off to her date.

When she meets Colton on a deck just off of the water, she mounts him as she has seen the rest of her tribe do. It's an awkward exchange because instead of a welcome kiss, it's three or four awkward hugs and her saying she's excited six too many times. Oh boy. Colton cuts it off and says they are taking an authentic Thailand boat around to see the lay of the land (and sea).

Here we go.

Brief Intteruption

Before we can dive too far into the kissing virgin, ABC cuts back to the villa and Elyse, in what definitely looks like the beginning of a spiral out. Oh no!!!! Elyse!! It's too early for this!! I was rooting for you!!! I'm already sad and can assume where this is eventually going to lead this episode.

Another big Q to come out of this, while Elyse is confiding in Kirpa we see that she's got a big ass bandaid over her chin?? I would like answers?? But will be patient.

Back to the One on One

The two arrive at a floating city, Phang Nga, and unload to explore the city. It's fine between them for a bit because they have the city to distract them but after they've explored all 20k square feet, they're forced to look at each other. ABC does some nice editing of Colton's mouth and their lack of conversation, while Heather's voiceover proudly proclaims that she doesn't like to talk about things going on. (Life will be hard for her).

Out of screen, a producer yells, "Better fucking do it, Colton!! Don't forget your contract!!"

He does his best to make conversation to lead up to it, but, per her previous statement, nothing really leads to it.

With truly no momentum, the two head into the evening portion of their date.

Colton asks Heather to talk about her past dating experiences. She dives right in and mentions that she's definitely dated people!! Her friends convinced her this one dude was perfect for her on paper so she dated him for 8 months and never kissed him. (WHAT). Someone find him and give that man a fucking award!! Alas, she was never really feeling it so it had to end. But she's definitely feeling this!!

Colton takes it in stride and after she assures him she's not waiting to get married and will literally kiss anyone/ thing - for example: him, that elephant, this fried chicken leg- whatever!! It's not special!! Colton grabs the rose and offers it up before dragging her to the beach to make some magic.

ABC editors got to check offwhat they've been dreaming of for the past two months after casting her; they change Heather's occupation to "Has Been Kissed." The world over laughs. Got 'em.

It was a great first date for them both, and after another two weeks pass and Colton comes to terms that if he can't fuck her in the Fantasy Suite, it's just not going to go well for PR, he will get rid of her. Short lived, but hopeful.

Another Brief Interruption

We jump back to the ladies' villa as Elyse is dolling herself up for what I imagine will be her final exit.

Heather arrives back at the house and maybe two minutes into her sharing how great their date (and first kiss!!) was, Elyse gets up and leaves. The girls are all a bit shocked and note that this is very unlike her but also that she's wearing her statement dress!! Damn!!

Interns light a path to Colton's suite and the two sit down. This is about how this whole thing goes:

E: Hi, I just have been having a hard time because I don't know how to compete with other women, and I want to know all the dumb small, silly things about you.

C: I really like you. Also, that's exactly what this show is about.

E: I wish something was off between us so that this would be easier.

C: Yeah, honestly I'm really confused because we're fine??

E: Can you just date me?

C: There is no way I am breaking contract for a 31 year old. Just kidding, age has nothing to do with it and I really want you to teach me some stuff under the sheets, but truly, this is a few million dollar contract, no can do.

E: Okay... This is really hard. I can't accept a proposal from you in a few weeks from now. And all of these other mentally unstable women can- and I guess it's all just hitting me now.

C: I understand; that is also truly what this whole show is centered around, and I need a wife after this- to touch my pee pee. I'm sorry, I'll walk you out.

Elyse and Colton hug and say their goodbyes; both leaving with uncertainty and stirred up feelings.

Group Date Card

Demi, Caelynn, Hannah B., Sydney, Tayshia, Kirpa, Onyeka, Nicole, Hannah G. - Will our love survive?

The day starts with Colton and his handheld as he expresses that he's kinda bummed out after his breakup with Elyse. However, the women are determined to make the most of it. Let's see what happens.

Colton and the women hack through the jungle, Production Assistants leading them a clearing with a man named Joe. Joe is a native and was raised in the jungle, so today he's going to teach them how to SuRviVe aNd tHrIvE!!! PS, day three with no answer to Kirpa's chin bandaid. Tell me!!

This is always one of my favorite dates of the season; there's nothing that screams a lot of production money and privilege than making a game out of how many people live, not to mention, it's funny to see how far some women will go to prove they are in fact team players.

Hannah B does not take this lightly; she's sniffing elephant shit, eating jungle worms, you name it- she is not afraid to put it near or in her face. After all, she is a BEAST!!!!

The women take turns finding jungle animals- eels, scorpions, Colton holds a big snake Britney style- you name it.

Joe then informs them that they are going to break out into three teams and their mission is to bring back food and water.

PS - off topic but I want to point out that not once have we seen Chris Harrison this episode. I hope he's enjoying his pina colada on the beach, far away from this shit.

The teams break down as:

1) Hannah B, Hannah G, and Demi

2) Sydney, Onyeka, Kirpa, Caelynn

3) Colton, Katie, Nicole, Tayshia

The teams split up and we catch glimpses of them each doing their best to track down water and slugs for protein.

In a power move, Demi proclaims to work smarter not harder. She leads the Hannah's to a nearby hotel where they order margaritas and get fucked up. Hahahah I wish that was a joke but seriously, this is some Survivor shit- outplay, outlast. It's genius, much like the Grinch's heart, my respect for Demi grows three sizes.

The ladies all rejoin around Joe and present their findings. Team day drunk presents last, pulling out of their back some Evian water, a bottle of champagne, and burgers and fries. When they talk about Team America, I think this is what the people mean.

Colton silently thanks the women and joins their team for burgers. Caelynn, Sydney, Onyeka and Kirpa win.

We head into the evening portion of the date. All of the women are determined to find their time. Yawn.

Hannah B pulls Colton aside and tells him that she's falling in love with him. She's the first of the season to let it spill and Colton rewards her with a full face snogging.

Onyeka pulls Colton aside because Elyse confided in her and said that Nicole said that she's here to find opportunity to leave Miami. Fan, the shit is hitting ya.

Colton grabs Nicole and he tries to hash this out some. Methinks we have a new two-on-one date next week between Onyeka and Nicole.

The better part about this is that during Colton and Nicole's hash out, Onyeka announces her bravery and what she said to Colton to the group and Tayshia immediately calls that out as a lie because she was there for that conversation and all that was mentioned was Nicole said that you never know where the opportunity for love will arise, so she left Miami to see what this could be. Which is funny because that is literally what every single one of them did with their own lives. Kettle, meet pot.

Nicole comes back and there is a small combustion between the ladies. Colton wraps this date up by rewarding Hannah B for her faithfulness to this franchise with the Group Date Rose.

One on One with Cassie

Cassie, I'm looking for a love deeper than siblings err-- I mean, the sea.

The two hop on a boat and suck face for thirty minutes on their way out to a private island.

Back at the makeshift mansion, the cameras jump from group to group as they all discuss how obvious the connection between Cassie and Colton is. This confirms (for me) that Cassie is definitely a final four gal.

To be clear, their time on their private island is just a continuation of the boat; they really are just swapping spit the. whole. time.

At the evening portion of their date, Colton confesses his deep feelings for Cassie.

In a side interview, Cassie confesses that she's scared because she isn't a virgin. What the actual fuck, no one else is besides Heather!! It's painfully obvious!!

Cassie begins to open up and adds that her whole life is public now by coming on this show (no shit!!) and she's worried how people she knows (family and friends) will react to knowing that she's not a virgin now. Lady, you just dry humped this many on national television- I would be equally concerned about that, jfc.

Colton definitely thinks she's brave for bringing this up so obviously she's getting rewarded with some extra time in his bed. (!!) She is most definitely giving him an otphj under those covers. In addition, he slips her the one-on-one rose right as he climaxes and announces to her that he is "crazy about her."

Rose Ceremony

We go into the evening with Heather, Hannah B., and Cassie already having roses.

These bitches sit down and Nicole and Onyeka continue to eye each other. Also, this is day three with no fucking explanation for Kirpa’s chin bandaid. ABC, I want answers!!!

Tayshia drags Colton out to the water’s edge and they light a lantern together to pay homage to a lantern festival in Thailand that she saw on Instagram one time. Also, because pollution is cool, they set that baby on fire and let it drift out into the atmosphere. Ah, love.

Demi was told by producers that she can no longer assault Colton so she takes to giving him a promise ring or something.

Kirpa flosses Colton’s teeth in what is truly something that should not be done to a stranger without a license to do so present.

After we get the lovey dovey and weird shit out of the way, Colton and Nicole sit down to get to the dramatic shit. It’s a classic he said she said tiff. Nicole says that Onyeka has been bullying her and accusing her of coming on this show to leave Miami and go on free vacations. (Not true but also not not true). Colton’s eyes roll out of his skull and I’m sitting on my couch fucking praying for a fence jump. Finally!! Jump that goddamn fence!! It doesn’t come, but Colton sits down with Onyeka, relays the info, and sends her back into the world to battle it out with Nicole.

For my money, I wouldn’t mind seeing both of them go home. The two of them start bickering and as the decibels raise higher and higher, Colton finally catches wind of their words and literally walks over and sits down and they actually continue to shout at each other in front of him!!! Both of them!! Unhinged!! Holy fuck!! Fence jump here we come!!!

It’s 9:56 and I know for a fact we are not getting a rose ceremony but we will get a fence jump!! By god the stars are aligning!!

Colton gets up and thirty seconds after he leaves the two girls pull their heads out of their asses and realize he has walked off. They both separately try to grab him and calm him down but he no want a woman!! Colton no want a woman who won’t shut the fuck up!!!

He walks off and along the beach and contemplates exactly what he is doing here and coincidentally, so do I. What the fuck am I doing here??? Where is the fence jump?? Will Colton lose his virginity?? ABC I need answers!!

TO BE CONTINUED.

See ya next week.