A Gal's Recap Of The Bachelor: Week 3

a lady who is way too invested describes the show we all know and love

Week 3 folks, it’s hard to believe we’ve come so far emotionally, and yet, haven’t even made a dent in the turmoil we are continuing to endure. Let’s dive in, shall we?

The episode starts off hopeful, and by hopeful, I just mean we’re in a new day and no longer the cocktail hour. Thank whatever god you pray to. However, Kelsey is still crying well into 11:00a hour, so like I said… hopeful??

The girls divide and try to comfort Kelsey and Hannah Ann. Each one of them is being gentle but firm with the idea that if you are having an issue with someone, maybe don’t involve Peter, and I don’t know, speak to them directly!! And like, stop spewing to the girls and, I don’t know, speak to each other?!! JUST A THOUGHT!! IDK!!

One on One with Victoria P.

Peter drops in to pick up Victoria P. Side bar, I didn’t know the other Victoria was still in this game. I was fully ready to drop the last initial on the insecure one. Oh well. He drives her off to his favorite spot in his hometown (mind you, we’re still talking SoCal here), the local General Store. Folks, the LOCAL fucking GENERAL STORE. They shop for boots. Once the boots are secured, Peter teaches her a LINE DANCE before they go into country club (no, not like an upscale golf course, a club that plays honky tonk music and the general population does assigned line dances to the songs).

Folks, I’m half laughing about this because my cousin dragged us to one of these so called bars once and while I had a whole boot filled of fun, the patrons take it very seriously. I’m talking “know the dances or step the fuck off the floor cause we will tush push your ass outta here!!”

Kelsey and Hannah Ann finally sit down (after the rest of the girls in the house push them into having a conversation because they’re tired of hearing the individual complaints), and if you could physicalize a conversation between a pot and a kettle, that would look identical to what we’re witnessing. As much as I don’t like Hannah Ann, Kelsey can’t even form a coherent thought.

For part 2 of their date, Peter and Victoria P look at dinner over the same conversations we’re used to, just with an airplane hangar in the background. Victoria P opens up about how her dad died when she was younger, then how her mom went hard in the drugs/ addiction category, and she helped raised her sister. She’s visibly emotional during this and says some things out loud that may be best shared with a therapist… namely how she doesn’t feel worthy of a loving relationship. Peter, to do his best to deflect some of her heavier admittances, tells a funny story how a star shot across the sky and he knew he wife was here in the mansion house!! He gives her the rose to stop her from crying and then they make out in an airplane!!

Back in the house, the girls are unwinding with wine. The editors do a nice little bit to show how bitchy Alayah is and methinks the drama is going to take a new turn. The girls bust open the group date card:

Kiarra, Sarah, Tammy, Kelley, Shiann, Savannah, Sydney, Aleyah. “I love surprises, I hope you do too.”

Demi (woman who has no shame in milking her Bachelor stardom for all of the its endorsements and side projects available) and 2 straight up Trunchbull characters bust into the house and start beating them with bricks in pillows. RiSe AnD sHiNe, bItChEs!!*~%^ Each girl on the date gets some form of lingerie/ sleepwear and is instructed to put them on. Notably, we find out Kiarra doesn’t know how to pronounce “lingerie” and instead says, “linger-ee.” … Folks.

Group Date: Demi makes girls pillow fight

The girls arrive by bus to what I believe is the exact same venue for the Honky Tonk (ABC is really out here negotiating multiple day rentals, amazing) dancing and Demi introduces them to their group date: pillow fighting. She claims it's for Peter, but I bet Demi is getting an early lead on who to clean up with on Paradise.

Fred Willard and Chris Harrison show up to judge this literal shitshow. For the record, I’m putting my money on Tammy (woman who wrestled in high school). The girls get as down and dirty as you can get with feathered pillows. The final two are Alayah and Sydney. Alayah, by some form of everyone else being blind, wins the contest.

Fred Willard and Chris Harrison show up to judge this literal shitshow. For the record, I’m putting my money on Tammy (woman who wrestled in high school). The girls get as down and dirty as you can get with feathered pillows. The final two are Alayah and Sydney. Alayah, by some form of everyone else being blind, wins the contest.

Peter kicks off the group cocktail date by saying, “It’s cool to do stuff that brings you back to your childhood, so thanks for embracing it!” Two things, what the fuck was his childhood? Secondly, do people still think little girls do pillow fights?? What an odd, predator like fantasy!! ABC!!

Alayah opens up about how friends and lovers have abandoned her in her past, people that she was really attached to; and again, this is what the rest of the world would register from a mile away as a RED FLAG.

Alayah and Sydney have a little chat to get to know each other better and Alayah legitimately calls herself a, “Title Holder,” in the pageantry world… Folks… I… my brain is locking up.

Kelley and Peter talk about how she is actually on paper way better than the rest of them, and that though the process doesn’t really fit her, she is here for him and the right reasons!!

Tammy confirms that she’s not a dude bro in Peter’s eyes. Sydney confesses that she’s very different than some of the other girls here (cough, cough, Alayah).

Now that the bug is in Peter’s ear, he confronts the rest of the girls about being fooled!! In a turn of events, Peter calls out Sydney as the rat!!! And she in turn points to Alayah. Which turns to Peter getting mad mad! He liked Alayah!! He bounces and the girls duke it out. Unfortunately, not pillow fight style, but with their words. Little Sydney holds her own. Alayah gallops off to Peter. Peter, swayed by pussy power openly says he was “swayed by Alayah, and really likes her a lot.” Folks, he SAYS that!! He openly says his feelings are overpowering him!! Over logic!! People, don’t ever call women the irrational ones again, JFC.

In another turn of events!! Peter awards Sydney the Snitch with the group date rose!!

Pool Party!

In this season’s obligatory “sorry-for-all-the-drama-let’s-destress-and-undress-by-the-pool,” we skip out on the cocktail party and hang by the pool in a casual shit talking session all day long to Peter. He is straight up doing some Junie B Jones unearthing of what’s actually going on here with the Alayah situation. Many girls are able to share with him that Alayah does tend to 'turn it on' for the cameras.

He also finds time to sit down with Madison and make out with her and continue to talk about his date with their parents. Ugh.

Alayah and Sydney sit down to duke out their previous quarrel and no understanding is reached.

Alayah and Peter chat and seem to clear up everything. However, just as Alayah settles in with her victory lap, Victoria F comes clean and admits that Alayah asked her to lie about knowing Victoria F when they both came on this show.

Back to Alayah… She doesn’t do a good job at covering her tracks. Kinda like in 101 Dalmations when the puppies are so cute in their effort but absolutely bomb the task. Except she's not a pup, and therefore not endearing. I mean, she truly tells Peter that she told Victoria P to keep her goddamn mouth shut to save both of their asses. Which, even Peter is not dull enough to take that as gospel truth.

Rose Ceremony

With being big sad, Peter is ready to head into the Rose Ceremony.

For the circle of roses, joining Victoria F, Victoria P, (not sure who is who but they’re both safe!!) and Sydney are:

Kelsey

Hannah Ann

Natasha

Lexi

Madison

Shiann

Kelley

Kiara

Tammy (thank god, this show is bearable for another week)

Savannah

Deandra

And in a big ole turn of events, just to play cruelty's finest, Chris takes away one rose and the final rose goes to... Mykenna!

In an uncharacteristic, but just, move, we say goodbye to Alayah, Jasmine, Alexa (big sad), and Sarah. Thank god, if I was going to have to write her name out 26 times for another recap, my brain was going to glitch.

Peter does a two second toast and peace’s out to chat with a producer about if letting Alayah go was the “right decision.” STAY TUNED!!!