A Gal's Recap Of The Bachelor: Week 2

a lady who is way too invested describes the show we all know and love

Folks, listen up, I’m going to be as direct as I possibly can coming out of this week’s metaphorical gate. This episode eats ass. And I don’t mean the good kind of ass eating. I’m talking the kind that almost gets me to quit booty play entirely- it’s terrible. I’m not sure what compelled ABC to run an extended special last week that condensed what is normally 4 hours worth of content into far less, but this episode relies on petty drama and really slows the momentum that they were picking up. (Also, I realized I actually hate this show).

Right away, we’re dropped into this week mid windmill-fuck. Just kidding, but Hannah and Peter are amidst discussing their relationship and what the future holds bearing notice of the past. The way the editors set this up, it seemed as though we were really going to get a continued twist, but their whole conversation is wrapped up in the first five minutes with Peter eventually calling the whole thing off- probably due to the blood from his penis vacating and rerouting to his brain. He says goodbye to Hannah and gathers the remaining group-date women to tell them that, to their sadness and/or joy (who knows!?), that they will not have to share their sex fantasies.

Cancelled Group Date

The women are NOT happy about the Hannah situation. In fact, not one of them wrote a sex haiku or dramatic retelling of losing their virginity (I feel ROBBED), they spent the whole time hate bashing on Hannah Brown’s continued appearances. “If you wanted to be with your ex, why did you come on this show?” “Leave him alone and let him move forward.” I’m not saying their thoughts aren’t valid, but I am saying that if they’re comfortable dating a guy who is also finger banging 20 other women, it’s not that big of a stretch for him to also be into his ex.

Mykenna may be the only one who doesn’t stress Peter out- cause it be big sad sad to make Peter responsible!! and she is rewarded heavily with massive amounts of making out, but not as heavily as Sydney, who shared with him that being biracial and growing up as a southerner was really tough and she faced a lot of bullying/ didn’t fit many molds of a southerner- and for opening not only her legs but her soul, Sydney is given with the Group Date Rose. (And by no means am I judging Sydney for being vulnerable and discussing how growing up biracial in a primarily white town affected her, I just actually hate this show).

Cocktail hour rolls around and Peter once again crawls up on his cross and crucifies himself over the Hannah debacle. I swear to god if this isn’t the last time we hear about this…

PS, I’m going to simplify what ABC robbed me of, which is two hours of my life. Essentially, the rest of the episode revolves around Kelsey (unhinged, 28 year old woman), Hannah Ann (BDE, formally rebranding for “Big Dumb Eyes”), and Victoria F. And while Kelsey and Victoria F are seemingly friends who lean on each other through out this, BDE Hannah Ann secures her place as ‘Bitch of the House.’

Cocktail Mingle

Kelsey (unhinged, this is important for later) grabs what is apparently a super special bottle of champagne (SO- it was a gift for her birthday and she has been holding onto it for over a year. Somehow** this bottle was able to make it into the Mansion. Though no book other than the Bible itself can be brought it, apparently some shitty Midwest Champagne is fine!!! ) and takes it to share with Peter. However, she’s cock blocked by one of the 22 other women grabbing him to chat and immediately starts shit talking people who have the balls to grab him and chat (who in their right mind would do that?! to Kelsey!! how rude!!) instead of just pulling him aside and talking to him. Wild concept.

PS during the montage of Kelsey setting the bottle up she actually says, "I'm a hopeless romantic. I love love. To me the bottle shows my heart and what I want. I want a husband, I want to have a family. And so I'm really looking forward to tonight. I'm so excited to see him next."

FOLKS. Too much to unpack.

Kelsey confronts Mykenna for grabbing Peter. It's an emotionally charged confrontation for absolutely no reason. It actually is that simple. But, the takeaway is that Kelsey is already losing it over a nothing reason.

Peter goes, in what is surprising and not all at the same time, full stage five clinger and pulls Madison aside to give her a framed photo of his family of them all at his parents’ vow renewal. Reader, I don’t know if anyone has ever told you this, but if someone gives you a framed photo of their family and you after knowing each other for less than 72 hours, they are psychotic and mentally unwell.

At the same time, BDE Hannah Ann decides that popping unstable-Kelsey’s bottle of champagne and splitting it with Peter is somehow a good idea and I don’t know how to warn her that that Amazonian woman is going to make a shank out of her heel and fuck her up. And so she does.

At the same time, Big Porn Eyes Hannah Ann decides that popping unstable-Kelsey’s bottle of champagne and splitting it with Peter is somehow a good idea and I don’t know how to warn her that that Amazonian woman is going to make a shank out of her heel and fuck her up. And as soon as Kelsey confirms Hannah Ann popped the bubbly, that’s exactly what she does.

Peter, to deescalate the situation, brings another bottle of champagne and pops it to assuage Kelsey’s feelings. The best thing happens in television history, and without Kelsey giving the champagne a chance to release air, drinks it from the bottle and it explodes in her face. I’m talking a true bukkake, folks. The porn industry is quaking. Peter starts to cackle. To Peter's credit, he does his absolute BEST to muffle his laughter.

Kelsey is now fuming. She confronts Hannah Ann again, and just as it continues to go downhill, Chris Harrison fulfills his contractual obligations and announces it’s time for the Rose Ceremony.

Rose Ceremony

Roses are given to: Joining Sydney, Kelley and Madison are: Mykenna, Victoria P, Natasha, Jasmine, Sarah, Lexi, Hannah Ann, Alexa, Tammy, Alayah, Deandra, Victoria F, Shiann, Kiarra, Savannah, and Kelsey.

Headed home with little air time and no endorsements are Courtney, Lauren, and Payton.

Peter offers Kelsey the chance to give a toast, she declines, and Hannah Ann – true to being a bitch- steps in to do so.

Group Date #1

The next morning all the girls are gathered reminiscing on how much of a shit show they have managed to create out of absolutely nothing and what they can stir up to continue it. The group date card arrives and is addressed:

Alexa, Mykenna, Lexi, Natasha, Deandra, Victoria F., Kelsey, and Hannah Ann - Time to let your personality shine- Peter

They concubine bus pulls up and hauls the ladies to a Revolves showroom. Waiting for them are Carson Presely, Janice Dickinson, and Ricea Jurona. They inform the ladies that they will be modeling in the Revolve fashion show and in charge of creating two of their own looks from the showroom.

The girls are told they’re going to be modeling in the Revolve fashion show. What is up for critique is their style, technique and most importantly personality!!! The girls are secretly hoping their style and technique are good enough, knowing their personalities are all shit. And opposed to winning Peter’s heart, they’re pitched to win the entire Revolve closet… which, is probably worth more.

As the ladies turn loose, some are thrilled to create outfits with no budget (ahem, jealous), others are incredibly overwhelmed. Read: Victoria is on her night two bender of feeling incredibly insecure. Did no one brief her that if you’re insecure with yourself, a constant comparison between fourteen other women probably isn’t a healthy environment for you?? All I’m saying is that this show’s foundation is built on the very tears of these women. I digress.

I’ll spare you the total retelling of individuals, and give you the basic equation, so that if you wanted, you too could have walked the runway for 2k worth of clothing—er, Peter’s heart.

Wear clothes. Walk the first pass, wink or blow kiss to Peter, pose at end, and on the second pass toss an article of clothing/ prop at Peter.

Honorable mentions include: Hannah Ann comes out in a wedding dress. Bold choice. Wrong choice. Alexa shows her ass (approve). Victoria F comes out in lingerie and grabs Peter to make out with him.

To no surprise, bold moves are rewarded and Hannah Ann and Victoria F. are the final two. They head off and model the same dress. To no surprise, Hannah Ann, the succubus who models professionally, wins and further solidifies her place as the most hated girl in the group. Also, Victoria F. cries some more.

Peter spends most of the group cocktail date by doing damage control. He and Victoria F (who, if you didn’t know has a lot of rumors surrounding how much she sucks as a person, but I’m going to reserve judgement) sit down and calmly discuss her mental health regarding the show.

To no surprise, the Hannah and Kelsey drama continues. Peter does the rounds with Kelsey and brings her a bottle of champagne. After that chat, Hannah grabs Peter and narks hard on Kelsey. Peter no likey Kelsey, she hurt his sex kitten!!!!

Peter gives the group date rose to Victoria, securing that she can’t leave yet!!! Haha!! Jokes on her!! Or him!! Honestly, both!! You’re both in this seventh circle of Hell!!

Kelsey and Peter sit down to have a bullying talk. Kelsey owns up to not liking Hannah and that’s about as far as that goes. If a quarter of Peter’s brain was functioning, he’d walk away from them both butttt, tis not the case.

The worst episode in this franchise's history ends with Kelsey pouting and crying. No surprise.

See you next week... if I don't quit this shit before then.