A Gal's Recap Of The Bachelor: Night One!

a lady who is way too invested describes the show we all know and love

Welcome back!

It's hard to believe we're here. No, seriously. I wasn't sure we'd all make it to this year. But, thanks to Lord Chris Harrison himself, enough of you prayed and the Lord delivers; we're all able to gather at the Nemacolin Woodlands Resort in Pennsylvania. Did you read that correctly? PENNSYLVANIA. Oh my god, I almost can't believe it. Forget renting the bachelor mansion two times a year, this is the fucking Chateau Marmont.

Skip the glass, and grab the whole box this time. This shit is gonna be terrible.

Ron Blunt

Let's meet Matt!

Matt rolls up looking like Frozone from The Incredibles in a sick ass turtleneck. ABC does a little reel of the standard fitness, hobby they know nothing about (flying??), and cruise in a bougie car while they lay a voiceover of an adult man talking about how ready they are to find love. You know, standard stuff.

It's magical, really.

Matt's parents were in an interracial marriage and between his dad leaving before he could remember, the general treatment of society, and how he really hasn't had romantic love exemplified to him growing up- he's been scared of love (insert big doe eyes here).

He did land this kick flip and that's pretty fuckin' sweet.

Ladies Reel

A few lucky girls were able to get their reels into the episode. I'm not certain you have to suck some producer dick to get one of those, but I'm also not certain you don't have to.

First up is Alicia. She's a sensual, soft spoken ballerina. My dream girl. Abigail is up next, and she actually does seem sweeter than I pegged her. The next chick, Kristin, literally used her time to talk about how much she loves to party, and as someone who has sat in a house for the last 9 months, I can't believe she has still yet to develop a personality. Notably, she loves Cardi B and MTS collabs, but honey there is only one so check yer facts!! Magi is from Ethiopia and I'm interested to see how and if cultural differences come into play. She's eager! Anna, while I really liked her from her bio- I think she's way too neurotic and hopped up on a drug that I'd like to get my hands on so I can manage to get through this. Finally, we meet Sarah. You remember her, the girl that looks like she's from Harry Potter?? It almost seems unfair in a field of 32 to only allow 6 extended cuts but this is how we play favorites and create bias so WEEEE!

angel.

Game Time Jitters

I'm convinced the reason the first episode gets as high a ratings as it does is solely watching 30 something women/ men get absolutely blacked out and mingling. It really is a beautiful social experiment.

I still can't believe he got to cut the whole fucking franchise and go right to the top spot. Lucky bastard.

Matt stops the limo train to sit down and get a one on one chat with Chris Harrison. They try to play it off like Matt asks, but the way the set is arranged I would beg to differ. Nice try, ABC!! I'm on to your fkn tricks!!

Essentially, Chris is like, "Dude, sometimes you'll want to choke me out. Mostly cause I'm so desirable, but also because I'll put you in bad situations for television ratings- but there's a phenomenal chance you'll meet your wife here. I mean, like a 1 in 32 chance. And I know you're black, but I don't understand so even though you're about to tell me your feelings about being a mixed man, sorry I will redirect!! So with all this fake staging, let's wrap it up and meet some hot tail!!"

Also, I'm not entirely sure, but I think Matt may have admitted to having a preference for white women in this conversation... Interesting.

Limo Entrances

Alright, in the past I have gone girl by girl and reviewed entrances in relation to my initial impressions and I'm here to tell you... I simply cannot waste my time on some of these boring ass, vanilla ass entrances.

Historically, the first and last entrances are of importance. Time will tell!

Out first is Bri. Rachael says 'fun' about six times. Sarah wore a sparkly dress. Why do women insist on wearing prom dresses?? Jessenia. Chelsea wore the strappiest dress I've ever seen on anyone. It's interesting, but Matt LOVES it so who really wins. Mari (Priyanka) is fucking SEXY. She knows it. Matt knows it.

Coming out the second limo is Magi, Carolyn with some lavender from her garden. Sydney calls him the hottest human being she's ever met. Kristin. Anna brought an actual stress ball for herself and red flags for Matt to hand out.

Pulling up in a pickup truck is Khaylah. Like, a shitty truck. Which is the only way to drive a truck but STILL. She's also a North Carolina girl and Matt openly says that the common ground put him at ease. There is a lot more stress on his feelings as the Bachelor than I remember previous leads, but it's a little nice change of pace.

Serena C is dressed to play the character of grown woman. Serena P is playing the role of child. Alicia came out in pointe shoes. Saneh wore goat shoes. Alana is a FREAK. I could see it from the limo walk, but she pulled a lady and the tramp and tongued him over some spaghetti.

Kaili approaches in lingerie with a rolling rack and asks Matt to choose the dress she should wear.

Matt's face every time a girl walks away #assman

Abigail tells Matt she is deaf and the interaction is sweet. Corrinne, Marylynn. Emani. Lauren (another prom dress). Pieper also has a last name of James, and she is really hoping to work this angle and avoid some legal process.

A pizza car shows up and I'm sad to report that not a single pizza came out of it. MJ you fucked UP!!

Katie wins award for boldest move by bringing her actual vibrator. Matt gets a good laugh but I don't know what man wouldn't be a little intrigued and scared as fuck from that. Or maybe she's a genius and managed to break rules and bring a dildo in... Methinks genius.

Kimberly brought a fish. Casandra wore a jersey. Illeana feeds him meatballs with a little word play. Kit rides up in a Bentley, and I instantly remembered she must be the trust fund kid. And she is. My least favorite entrance, Victoria (like the queen, she does not fail to mention), is quickly followed by instant karma for being a dipshit and she trips walking up to the mansion.

Katie (dildo girl) actually might be cool. Kit (TFB - trust fund bitch) is definitely not cool.

Let's get this gravy train rolling

Matt asks everyone to bow their head and pray and half the ladies give an audible "awwh!!" Honestly, I'm glad Matt did that, the Lord should reroute, He need to bless this whole fucking chaotic gathering.

Although, I will add that I kind of like having a bachelor with no experience; he seems to be forced to be more genuine and vulnerable as he's not yet under the Bachelor thumb (contracts and endorsements, you know Sugar Bear Hair shit).

First girl to talk to him is Fleur Delacour (Sarah). I feel bad for her, because not a single intern thought to give that girl an oil wipe before this chat.

Kristin lawyers up and goes right to asking about how Matt feels about being the first black bachelor lead. He acknowledges that he feels he has a lot to carry and live up to. And it's sad. Because we've had 24 white dudes before him who fucked up pretty openly.

Rachael says she was nervous to come on this and really had to think about it when THEY reached out to HER. Which is a wild way to put "I applied to a reality dating show." But Matt seems to be enthralled by her so I guess the distant and mysterious really do win!! Also, I'm not convinced she isn't an aged Rebecca Black.

Some chick takes Matt over to play chess and she doesn't even know what a pawn is called and I'm instantly reminded some women's personality is to laugh and be stupid. As a former chess club player how is Matt entertaining this!! AGH!!

Mari gives him a boarding pass, and she's got a little info card on the back side about her and where she's from. Matt jogs his memory about her home country of Peurto Rico. "Ahh, ahh, how's the hurricanes??" Thankfully, they're interrupted by Katie's dildo. Mari doesn't take this well and starts telling everyone about the incident. Katie, actually laughs it off in the best way possible and that makes me realize, I love her. It's normal to hate the ones you'll intensely love at first, right? RIGHT?

Pickup truck chick takes Matt back to the scene of the crime to drink sweet tea. This actually is the personality of North Caralonians (and all southerners). Kit brings a snow globe of the city to Matt and is quickly derailed by Victoria (adults who wears a tiara but is not globally recognized as royalty). She asks Matt how he's doing and he mentions this night is like trying to drink through a fire hose- take in a lot at once. It goes over her head and even when he hand walks her through the meaning she's still confused and says, "I'm the best drink here." Jesus Christ let the second coming be swift.

Kit actually goes back and tells the rest of the girls that shes a king and CEO. I realize that her and Bennett have a lot in common, and that Kit will definitely down-talk women here, though she lacks the experience, wisdom and rhetorical prowess to do so. But, in the same vein, I'm sure she believes money can buy that, too. I'm not certain but I'm hopeful to erase my 2 on 1 prediction from earlier and put Kit and Tiara on this one.

Victoria is falling victim to too drunk of a bitch too early in the night, which, historically, doesn't fare well for them.

Bri talks about how her mom is Persian and white passing and her dad is black. She was raised by a single mom and didn't have an example of what love is like. It's a small, tender moment. And I'm taking this as the signal that the night is winding down to more memorable, genuine conversations (thank god).

Abigail and Matt sit down and their conversation is very sweet as well, and to my surprise, though, it is about that time in the episode!!! Matt leans in and kisses her.

First Impression Rose

Matt now has to do the most embarrassing (for him), and infuriating (for the rest) thing and wade through the trope of women to pick up the First Impression Rose, and then pivot and walk past all of them again to deliver it.

To no surprise, except Victorias, Matt gives his rose to Abigail- the only girl he kissed. She actually seems like a lil angel. I mean, time will tell.

Rose Ceremony

After spewing some bullshit, in addition to Abigail, roses are doled out to:

Bri

Rachael (was asked to come on the Bachelor)

Chelsea (sexy black runway dress)

Sarah (Fleur Delacour)

MJ (Not a single fucking pizza)

Serena P (the dumb one who doesn't know what chess is)

Khaylah (sweet tea, North Carolina)

Kristin

Kit (21 year old, trust fund, Bennett's child bride)

Magi

Pieper

Mari (Priyanka)

Illeana

Jessenia

Kaili

Marylynn

Serena C (the better Serena)

Lauren

Sydney

Alana

Katie (dildo girl)

Anna

And for the final rose, Victoria

That means, on par with predictable bachelor shit, Victoria scraped by and got a rose. We say goodbye to: Emani, Saneh, Amber, Corrinne, Carolyn, Casandra, Kimberly, and Alicia (which is an actual sin, what the FUCK)??

Toasty toast

Matt makes a joke about finishing the toast and starting an actual marathon and you KNOW WHO COULD HAVE PROBABLY RUN A REAL MARATHON MATT THE PROFESSIONAL ATHLETE YOU JUST SENT HOME.

True to form, the highlight reel for the season is full of juicy, controversial, tear filled scenes. We've got escorts, activities, Heather from a previous season, midseason entrances, fights, confrontations. You know, all the good, healthy shit.

I fucking hate this show. See you next week.