After last week's episode left us with a bit of blue balls, it would be only fitting that ABC dives right in and wraps this one up quickly. However, we have to sit through a few mundane conversations to reach the climax (seems only fitting, right?).
Blake drags Becca back to his bunk bed to discuss things like how many kids he wants. This sparks some deep maternal instinct in Becca, and despite wanting a few kids less than him, she still jumps his bones like she's ready to go for number one. Their conversation is simple and normal and they're all about each other. Through Blake's normalcy, he's doing a great job securing a top spot.
Becca keeps Jordan around for his hilarity and wild card rhetoric (at least that's why I'm okay to keep seeing Jordan weekly). She pulls him aside to gift him a set of gold underwear, not unlike the Rocky Horror Picture Show. (Though it's disguised as a gift, I'm not entirely sure a producer didn't throw this gag in to further stir the pot). Naturally, Jordan LOVES them. Unfortunately, right as Johnny Bravo's about to strip down and sport them, David's returns.
With cheers in the house and the spot light being moved from him, we pan to David's face.
To be fair, ABC really hyped this situation. That being said, his face does look a bit fucked up.
Rose Ceremony (cont'd)
Colton, Chris, and David (formerly Clay) already have roses.
The remaining go to:
– Jason – Becca forgot his name
– Wills – a functioning human being
– Nick – if Becca doesn't love him at his best (race car driver suit) then she doesn't deserve him at his worst (track suit, which he literally wore to the ceremony).
– Christon – Globetrotter
– Lincoln – recently discovered criminal
– Blake – animal tamer
– Garrett – front runner, slow speaker, oddly optimistic
– Leo – Jason Momoa
– John – Venmo
– Connor – Glass breaker and pool ruiner
– Jordan – Captain Underpants
– Jean Blanc – Colognoisseur
We say goodbye to Mike (brb, sliding into his DM's), and Ryan the banjo player.
The interns pour the champagne and they all 'clink' to the news that they're finally gonna get out of the cesspool that is the mansion at this point in the season and head to Park City, Utah.
One on One with Garrett
ABC spares us the footage of delivering a date card addressed to Garrett, and we get right to the point. Becca pulls up to the fella's Airbnb and quickly cuts the chit chat before stealing away with Garrett.
There are usually a handful of dates each season that resemble some level of normalcy. These can be a good way to test that if once they strip back the adrenaline rush of singing with Richard Marx and breaking your ex's shit to Lil Jon's encouragement, there is actually some commonality between them.
The two walk hand in hand in a downtown area and hop in between little shops taking photos on a digital camera (no cellies in Bachelor land). It's clear that they are comfortable with each other and Becca drops quite a few hints that his demeanor and personality reminds her of her dad and her home in Minnesota. (PS, the amount of times that I just tried to write Minnesota correctly is an embarrassingly large amount).
Producers interrupt this date to alert us to the fact that Lincoln is a flat earther. If he wasn't easy enough to hate already. Lincoln stares into the camera and dead ass dares an astrophysicist to call him and present evidence. This is some dumb shit if I've ever seen it.
Becca and Garrett pull up to the Utah Olympic Park. My butthole clenches up a bit; even I am fairly certain there are only a handful of winter sports that aren't safe like curling... And I have a sinking suspicion they're not curling on a mountain.
Sure enough, once they climb to the top via chairlift, she announces they're bobsledding. They're met by 2006 Olympic Silver Medalists Shauna Rohbuck and Valeria Fleming. The two announce that their friendship on the ice grew into a romance and they've been happily married with kids for some years now. Every viewer's eyes dart to Garret as we read his body language to being in the presence of two lesbians.
He clenches his teeth and grins, "This is gonna be great."
Luckily for them, they don't have to do any of the work and can giggle and hold on tight as they rocket ship down this run and pretend that Olympic medals aren't only awarded to those who reach the bottom alive.
After doting on how natural and easy and fun and free spirited their relationship is, they pop a bottle and head off to their dinner date. Their dinner correspondence goes a little something like this:
"On a scale of one to ten, this date was a ten! I feel so good about us! You remind me of my dad a little bit"
"That's awesome, that means a lot. It's sad cause he's no longer here and that's sad, but I am and that's cool! It feels so good."
"Yeah, this is like reverse dating. We get all the crazy stuff out in the open first!"
"So speaking of that, I was in love once. We really bonded over our love of adventure and got married. And then we got divorced. Because, turns out we didn't really think it through. Which was sad. But I'm here now!"
"Slow down, one more time? Tell me about this."
"Yeah so she was emotionally abusive. She tore me down and built me back up. She put a wedge between my family and friends and I. And I never noticed. I think it's cause I'm a little dense in the head. And it was really hard too because I was the first in my bloodline to get a divorce. I just really wanted it to work so I tried to make it work."
(No shit, he said first in his bloodline!!).
"Interesting. So not a bit to blame on yourself? (She thinks some). Seems fair. I just worry that you'll get scared at the end of this to get down on one knee and propose again. I mean, it's not just about the ring -though that's a huge part of it- I also want to get a ring and shove that shit in Arie's face. Ugh. Anyway, this part of your history does show that you're committed! Good enough for me!"
She hands him the rose, a little tongue and takes him to slow dance to yet again another semi private concert with special guest, Granger Smith. Same shit, different date.
Becca's Big Lumberjack Bash
Jordan, Chris, Blake, Nick, John, Lincoln, Leo, David, Connor, Christon, Jason, Colton, and Jean Blanc.
In the biggest group date of the season, ABC drags this baker's dozen out to chop some wood. Becca introduces us to- as I personally learned today, that there is such a thing as- two Professional Lumberjack Champions. The boys take turn blowing off some steam from being on lock down for the last six days by cutting logs with an axe. It quickly becomes a dick contest as they poke fun at those who can cut/ do these odd tasks and those who can't. And I gotta say, both of those lists contain people you wouldn't expect.
On saids lists: Jean Blanc, Chris, and Lincoln suck. Jordan, John, and Becca do not.
They divide the teams up to compete in a series of wood related tasks to vie for Becca's heart (barf). The clock starts and the boys roll a log, flip a log, throw some axes, and buck saw a log before finally getting to the real, "Make A Man Out Of You," moment. No, really, this is some Mulan shit.
John balays down and is crowned victorious. He adds "climbing wood poles," to his resume, right under "million dollar app creator." Becca hands him the MVP award and John slides a little bit ahead.
We join Becca and the rest of the men at the afterparty. I'm gonna be frank and skip the bullshit part of this afterparty and go right to the juicy parts.
Firstly, a few of the men's patience is really starting to wear thin with Jordan. We see a fraction of him for two hours every week, but I can imagine living with him full time- no access to books or the outside world- would really start to grind your gears. Jordan strips to his gifted gold panties and parades around the party. Chris and Colton pull him aside.
Unfortunately for them, Jordan doesn't give a shit about Chris or Colton's feelings. Amidst their exchange, Jordan adds that he's tired of being approached. Fair. And then all three of them spiral out because there isn't actually any ground to stand on and this conversation is dumb and now I feel dumb for witnessing it. I get up to refill my glass.
Secondly, as I sit down with a newly replenished fountain of youth, I see that Jean Blanc is sitting with Becca and presents her with a cologne titled, "Miss Becca Blanc," a reference to what would be her name should they join in holy matrimony. Jesus H. Christ come down and rescue this poor, disillusioned boy now. To make matters worse, he leans in to whisper to her, and then tricks her into a kiss. It's weird. Thankfully, Leo is a saint on Earth and rescues her.
Temporarily, anyway.
Jean Blanc decides he isn't finished and heads back to talk to Becca. In a side bar, he adds that he's gonna go for it. Fuck, here we go.
After a slew of sugar coated words and Becca looking very confused, he blurts out, "I haven't felt like this in a long time. I'm truly falling for you and falling in love with you and putting it out there."
"I don't know what to say. This is intense and how do I break it kindly to you that I'm not there yet..."
"I do understand that it's early on. Like, really early stages and I didn't want to jump the gun.... so let's get back on track and revert to how we felt in the beginning."
"Yeaaaah, you know I'm too weirded out. *snaps fingers* Let me just walk you out to the limo. I don't think this is gonna work."
"What about my gift? Didn't you like it, did it mean nothing?"
"I appreciated the gift. I just didn't know that's where you were at in your feelings with me-"
"Well it's not necessarily where I'm at. I just thought that's where you wanted to take things and you were ready and that's what you wanted to hear."
"So, what you said isn't true? You're just telling me things?"
"No, absolutely not."
"All I want in this process is honesty. That wasn't honest. Get the fuck out."
Dudes, please, learn how to read a situation. Le sigh.
One on One date with Wills
The boys do the honorable thing, and let Wills in on the fact that their girl is a little off her axis. Jean Blanc managed to set them all back by messing with her psyche. Thankfully, Wills is a normal human and assures the group that he can field her angst.
The edit cuts to Becca, already crying at 8a over how anxious and decieved she's feeling.
All of America bids good luck to the boy, he's gonna need it.
After Becca and Wills hike towards each other from opposite directions, doing their best to stay atop the snow, she warns him of her feelings. Wills, like a true champ, acknowledges it and then moves on.
Make her feel heard, make her feel heard!
The producers hand over the keys to two separate snow mobiles, "Trust me, you do not want to be behind this tank when it explodes."
Suddenly, they're atop a mountain. The conversation turns to some candid conversations about their feelings. Perhaps JB's fuck up did Wills a service in allowing her to open up a bit more in a frank way. They share some honesty and connect over a mutual understanding.
I want to shit on this, but truthfully, we've all been there and developed a fondness towards someone from being understood and heard. It's a quiet, easy, sweet moment we're witnessing.
Wills and Becca sit down. Wills is donning a scarf in lieu of a tie and I'm hoping that this is a trend that spreads out here to the Midwest.
In the dinner portion of their evening, Wills' exes come up as well. Damn, for the AP Literature class that will surely study my writing one day, spoiler- this is the major theme this week.
Wills opens up about his ex and how they ultimately fell apart. He had planned to create a life with this girl and after dating for three years, his ex approached him with hopes for a hall pass.
The saddest part of this moment is that he has to explain to Becca what a hall pass is. Ugh. Girl.
He goes on to explain that her request was initially shocking and hurtful. (Ah, if only he knew what was to come. Ignorance is bliss). After he denied her desire, he later found his girl and some dude together at his and hers anniversary spot. (RIP all the good places we love that are tainted with memories of our exes).
Becca relates. For obvious reasons.
They hug. They look longingly into each other's eyes. They kiss. She pins a rose to his scarf.
Fin.
Rose Ceremony (part 2)
I was looking at the clock- 9:52p- cursing Chris Harrison's name, trying to figure out whose theoretical dick I needed to suck to get another rose ceremony and discontinue this split shit, when it dawned on me.
Becca's gonna skip the cocktail party and bust some testes.
And she does. Chris Harrison busts through the log cabin door, "What's up, boys." Ever notice that when Chris speaks, it's never a question? Only a statement? He don't dance, he makes money moves.
Chris delivers the updates, much to the boys dismay. They shift uncomfortably. They know the drill.
Garrett and Wills are already harboring some roses, whispering, "My precious."
The remaining go to:
– Leo – When are we gonna stop sleeping on Leo? 10/10
– Colton – not convinced he's not Tia's beau
– Blake – contender
– Jason – showed up to the lumberjack date dressed fully as an orthodox Jew
– Connor – Still not forgiven for throwing glass into a pool, but methinks he was onto Lincoln being a p.o.s.
– Lincoln – President of the Flat Earth Society
–John – Professional Lumberjack MVP
– Chris – Chandler's crazy roommate on Friends
– David – Busted up Chicken
– Jordan - Captain Underpants
Leaving us this week along with Jean Blanc are Nick (tracksuit) and Christon (Globetrotter). Christon has one of the most mature exits I think we've ever seen.
"You know, Becca is an incredible woman. She really is; I wish her the best. I came in here to show her that there are some good guys left after her heartbreak, and our conversations weren't what she was looking for. We're on two different paths and that's why I didn't get a rose. I wish her the best." WOW, NO WAY. Level head, and he can dunk? Paradise is gonna lap him up.
Next week Jordan assures us he's going to go from Captain Underpants to Captain take everyone's girl (still just Becca though??)- and ABC promises us a few meltdowns, the magic of Las Vegas, and our coveted two on one date with Jordan and David. See ya then!
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