Beauty & The Beast: NOT My Remake

Let me explain....

First things first... let's get into what was GOOD:

- It was pretty

Yes, I'll give it to you. Beauty the the Beast was visually beautiful. The colors were stunning. The scenes were stunning. The costumes were stunning. The choreography was STUNNING!

It was a beautiful film to look at - all will probably be nominated for some sort of award for it. Good job.

- Gaston was hot

Oh heeyyyyy Gaston.... and in all seriousness Luke Stevens did a fantastic job with his role. He actually humanized Gaston!

10 points for Gaston!

- The beast was hot

In HUMAN form...let's not be weird....Also Dan Stevens has a great singing voice.

Good? Agreed? Now let's get into the nitty-gritty

*Don't even get me started on HER singing....*

1. Belle....was kinda a b*tch. There I said it.

The film opens....we get some backstory (um, random) and then we get into the first song. "Bonjour! Bonjour!" And all that jazz. Belle's first real scene shows her running into the town's "douche bag" Gaston (we'll get to him later) and declining his advances.... tbh.... she pretty much slams the door in his face...and FOR NO GOOD REASON. At this point we haven't seen Gaston's douche-baggery. Sure he seems a little self-centered but he's just complimenting her and giving her some damn flowers....wtf Belle. She couldn't even politely accept them? Then FLASH FORWARD to her "reprise Belle" song where she sings about what a brainless idiot Gaston is.... when he literally was just stopping by to give her advice (which actually is really sweet) and saying how he'll take care of her if she marries him.

Now- I GET IT. Belle wants freedom in the great wide somewhere.... BUT remember: at this point we haven't seen Gaston be evil, or do anything that really makes him the villain.

Wtf Belle. You calm down. Maybe if you weren't so rude and constantly annoyed....I would have had more sympathy for you, but honestly I thought Gaston was really endearing and you were just.... cold.

P.s:

Can we also talk about how the Beast was really a dick to Belle but then SHE saw past it? But yet Gaston, who wasn't THAT much of a dick, apparently isn't worth her time? ....not to mention Gaston wasn't nearly as hairy as the beast (Wasn't the part where she asked human-beast to grow a beard awkward?!), but I digress...

2. Lefou was annoying.

He was. I feel like they tried to do too much with his character. He was the comic relief. He was Gaston's voice of reason. He was Gaston's right hand man. He wanted to be Gaston. He loved Gaston? Was he a villain? Was he a good guy? Maybe he was just a Gaston fan girl?

It's all too much. What makes Gaston and Lefou so great in the animated film is that they're so simple. I'm all for making complex characters, but having a supporting character be so complex just made him really irritating...

THIS FILM ISN'T ABOUT YOU LEFOU, SIT DOWN.

3. Lumiere looks like a creeper....

I'm sorry. He does.

4. Mr. Potts?! (SPOILER ALERT)

I have so many questions!!

We find out at the end that there was a Mr. Potts..... Apparently his memory was erased (as was the entire village) so he didn't remember he had a wife/son..... Why was he away from them during the party? Was he a dead beat dad? Were they divorced? Did he have to work late? Was he traveling? Was he getting ice for the party?! WHERE WAS HE?!

This added plot twist was a bit too extra and not needed...it just left me with too many questions.

5. The Grey Stuff

We all know the grey stuff is a delicious dessert. This has been an undisputed fact since the fricken 90s....but now all of a sudden the grey stuff is CAVIAR?! EXCUSE ME?!

This is offensive. No wonder Belle doesn't even try it! We all know the grey stuff is supposed to be a sweet, drool inducing, dessert. Even Disney parks affirm it's a dessert item! SO WHY IS IT FRICKEN CAVIAR?! (I'm not even joking, go back and watch the movie. )

My childhood is ruined.