An Analysis Of The Unwinnable Spice Girls Vs. Hanson Debate

A recently unearthed finding from the '90s demonstrates the impossibility of answering this question.

Found: A kid's '90s critique considering one of the greatest unsolved questions of the decade — Spice Girls or Hanson?

imgur.com

This cultural artifact is a classic illustration of the difficulties in settling this question. Our young scholar at first appears to have arrived at a conclusion, deciding that the Spice Girls are in fact superior to Hanson. In conveying this information to the pertinent party, one "Zane," (no last name given) our writer addresses his colleague with a note, and then appears to recreate the original diagram. However, he makes an edit, superimposing a large X over both the Spice Girls and Hanson.

This, he explains, is his "opinion," and an "opinion," he further expounds, is "what I think" (very astute indeed). We can reasonably infer from the given information that the author's opinion has in fact been rendered null, as he is unable to ultimately articulate a clear winner in the debate.

We must cut our author some major slack. Few have been able to sort through the evidence, which tends to put both bands on equal footing.

Let us peruse the common factors...

"Sisters" vs. Brothers

Point Hanson: They are real brothers.

Point Spice Girls: "Sisters" can be stronger than blood bonds. "God help the mister who comes between me and my sisters."

Or, Girls vs. Girls

Depending on who you ask.

Not-Really-English Lyrics

Like Shakespeare before them, both the Spice Girls and Hanson invented words.

Feminism vs. Jesus

Both bands were associated with certain ideologies.

Even when they went on Celebrity Deathmatch, there was no victor.

The match ended when Marilyn Manson snuck in and chainsawed through some lighting gear, effectively squashing both the Spice Girls and Hanson under it. RIP.

And one time, in between songs at a live show, Limp Bizkit did a bit (seriously NSFW and really, really nasty) in which he imagined pooping out a Spice Girl and then pooping out a Hanson brother. Even people who hate them both — like Limp Bizkit — hate them equally.

In conclusion: ??????????????