Healing through Hope.
“When the world says, “give up”. Hope whispers “try it one more time.” – Unknown. It’s not worth it…they can’t save me…I can’t save me. I’m can be free…I can leave...leave it all behind and be free. Death isn’t the worst thing that could happen to a person, being dead while your heart still beating; that’s the worst since I was already dead mentally and emotionally, it didn’t matter to me that I could and wanted to die physically too. The thought although is reassuring because I hate this body so much, this skin, this uncomfortable layer of cells. I peal each layer of this body to see if I am real, to make sure that I’m not imagining this, to make sure that my life really is this horrible and that I deserve this level of pain, uncomfortableness and discontent. I cut through the uncomfortableness because it is literally impossible to focus on anything, feel anything when there is blood rushing down my wrists. I wanted death so bad, sometimes, I still do but today it’s no longer high building, bridges and slit wrists it’s more of a passive thought of how it would be so good not to feel any pain, how it would feel nice not to hurt anymore, to not want to impulsively split my wrist apart, to not want to punch a wall or break a bone to have physical pain instead of emotional torture for once. Pain; nobody wants it; it is unwelcomed but necessary. Pain is the only reminder that I am alive; that I can feel. “Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional” and I suffered for a very long time. I have always viewed any emotion as my enemy that I was weak if I were to ever experience any but it wasn’t until I felt them, accepted them and learned to control them that I was set free, set free for the longing for death, free from self-judgements, criticism and self-doubt. “I didn’t know what true love was, that it was impossible to know what love meant until I loved myself and how incredible it was on how much love I gave out when I didn’t give much to myself.” Rambled on my friend, I was just sitting there smiling thinking how wrong she was that I had known love even though I had disliked myself for as long as I could remember how loving others taught me how to love myself because; those people had loved me back so deeply that I felt that I was worth it, I was worth their time and worthy to be their friend. People are loving me until I learn to love myself. The last time after trying to take my own life, I felt a spiritual awakening when I had people tell me they were worried and all I could think of was why would they worry over someone who wasn’t worth it? So maybe I was, maybe I had a purpose and the nine failed attempts I had tried to off myself was life telling me I am not finished here; not yet. I still have more to do and accomplish in this life. People heal it’s not impossible like I once had thought, I had laughed at anyone who had mentioned that they felt “whole” or “healed” – there’s no such thing or maybe you just had an easy life but there is no such thing as an easy life; life is simple not easy. People heal because we are resilient. It is amazing how awesomely some people bounce back, how they take in all the pain and turn it into a miracle, into something they can make a purpose of. It is a miracle how people heal so well that others can’t imagine the way their lives were in the past. I never thought healing was possible, I figured that I would live in the darkness forever, I had a space reserved for myself amid of my obscurity for as long as I wanted to, which wouldn’t have been for very long. I had no contingency for anything better than high buildings and death; I lived my whole life on the edge waiting for death to take me when I wasn’t too busy trying to kill myself. Today, I am freeing myself form the black coat that I wake up to wear and carry on. Today, I had reached a level of healing as I became aware, willing and determined to go to any lengths possible to heal. Most importantly, it was hope that got me here, hopelessness lead me to my suicide attempts and hope walked me back to life. So now, at this moment I choose life, I choose to continue living my story; to heal, to grow, to live, to love and to hope.
There is always hope
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