Why Are People So Romantic About Baseballs?

A common phrase goes under the microscope.

Baseballs. I don’t know, guys.

Shannon Stapleton / Reuters

Sure, they’re cool and all: you can throw them; you can hit them; you can catch them with a Frankensteinian leather glove apparatus.

Rob Carr / Getty Images

But why are people SO romantic about baseballs?

Bob Levey / Getty Images

That’s a pretty popular phrase. I think. “How Can You Not Be Romantic About Baseballs?” It’s from a film, or something. Maybe a Ken Burns documentary?

Carlos Osorio / AP

Whatever. Just, like — look at them. Are they really that romantic?

Gregory Bull / AP

I’m not about to buy my girlfriend a baseball. I don’t even HAVE a girlfriend. (Thanks, Obaseball.)

Steve Nesius / Reuters

Imagine buying your girlfriend or boyfriend a baseball. “Hey babe, I just got back from the Baseball Store. Baseballs, 20% off. As romantic as you can get.”

Gregory Bull / AP

He/she would be like, “Shut your gd mouth, I’m watching Pretty Little Liars.”

Mark Duncan / AP

And then you’d take the baseball and set it on the walnut nightstand from Ikea, the Skůrgssss, hoping he/she’ll find it when he/she comes in for bed and then, inspired by your romanticism, will read to you from Milan Kundera.

Carlos Osorio / AP

But you fall asleep before PLL is even over, and when you wake up the next morning, a copy of The Lovely Bones has knocked the baseball off the Skůrgssss.

J. Meric / Getty Images

You’re pretty sure your girlfriend/boyfriend would leave you for Alice Sebold, given the chance. That time when he/she was reading Alice Sebold’s book while you guys had sex — that’s when you got the idea.

Charlie Neibergall / AP

It just seems sort of arbitrary. Why “romantic”?

Charlie Neibergall / AP

Why not “stoic”? “How can you not be stoic about baseballs?” makes more sense.

Jerry Holt/Minneapolis Star Tribune / MCT

This picture fills me so full of stoicism that I might go and stare down a yak, just because it’s there.

Jerry Holt/Minneapolis Star Tribune / MCT

Yak’s like, “OK bro, damn you stoic.”

Ralph D. Freso / Reuters

And I’m like, deal with it, yak, it’s the gd baseballs.

Matt Slocum / AP

You’ve got to be stoic, because if you’re not, you might flinch when a baseball breaks your orbital bone.

Charlie Riedel / AP

All the other kids are like, “omg, look at Kelvin, little Kelvy broke his orbital bone on a flying baseball and he’s trying to cry but he can’t because his face is all gnarly.”

Matt Slocum / AP

“Sorry about your dumb face, Kelvin.”

Charlie Riedel / AP

This never happened to me.

Chris O'Meara / AP

Anyway, screw baseballs, they’re just gross nuggets of leather and cork with ugly red stitching.

Chris O'Meara / AP

Wait, what? It’s not “baseballs”? Then what is it?

Charlie Neibergall / AP

Ohhhhh, it’s “How can you not be romantic about BASEBALL?”

Carlo Allegri / Reuters

*disappears in a puff of smoke*

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