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Florida Needs A Superman: BuzzFeed Sports' Screenplay, Featuring Dwight Howard And Tim Tebow

News broke today that Dwight Howard and Tim Tebow are now handled by the same Hollywood talent agency. Well, guys: BuzzFeed Sports has the perfect script for you.

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A human-sized burlap sack lies on a table. It wiggles.

Sitting at the table is an enormous man with shoulders like tortoises. He eats French fries, one by one. Others at the restaurant casually eat Doritos Locos Tacos and Tuscani Pasta.

The man opens the sack slightly. TIM TEBOW's head pokes out.

TIM TEBOW: Where am I? What happened? Mark?


TEBOW: Mark! Mark Sanchez. He's on the Jets?

DWIGHT: You asking or telling?

TEBOW: Where am I?

DWIGHT: A Pizza Hut. It's also a Taco Bell, which is pretty wild.

TEBOW rolls himself off the table and hits the ground with a thud. Shedding the burlap, he gets up and looks at DWIGHT.

TEBOW: Okay, you need to tell me how I got down here. I was at Shake Shack, like, 15 minutes ago, with Mark and Santonio.

DWIGHT: Sanchez and Santonio hang out?

TEBOW: Dwight! What am I doing here?!

DWIGHT: Do you even know where "here" is?

TEBOW: A Pizza Hut/Taco Bell hybrid?

DWIGHT: No dude. Smell.

TEBOW: I smell pizza and carne asada.

DWIGHT: Come on, take a deep whiff.

TEBOW does.

TEBOW: We're in Florida?

DWIGHT: You're welcome. Can you be more specific?

TEBOW takes another whiff.

TEBOW: Jacksonville! I'm from Jacksonville.

DWIGHT: I know, Tebow. And I've brought you here to right a wrong. It's time for you to join the Jaguars, like you should've all along.

TEBOW: Um, Dwight? You know I'm on the Jets now, right?

DWIGHT: Yep. Huge mistake. Jacksonville needs you.

TEBOW: Do you know anything about the NFL?

DWIGHT: And Jacksonville's going to get you.

TEBOW: Why do you even care? You strung Florida along for like two years.

DWIGHT: Yeah. Yeah, I did. But then they appointed me the state's official Superman. Made it a real position and everything. And my first order of business was to get you here.

TEBOW: Oh. So that's why you're wearing that red cape?

DWIGHT: Yeah. Look, Tebow. I know how this stuff works. I know how many times I changed my mind. And it's time for you to change yours, and join the Jags. My buddy Maurice Jones-Drew says they have great buffalo wings on Wednesdays, provided by the team.

TEBOW: Uh, Dwight. I got traded?


TEBOW: The NFL, you can't really just choose where you go, like in the NBA.


TEBOW: No, seriously. I mean, they asked, which was nice and exciting and all. But they could send me anywhere! And the Jets definitely won't trade me now.

DWIGHT: Nah man. It's not their choice. It's yours.

TEBOW: No, it's really not.



TEBOW: You never told me how I got here, though.


TEBOW: How I got to Florida. I was in New York, I mean, it feels like half an hour ago.

DWIGHT: Right. I had Quentin Richardson drug and kidnap you.


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