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    Dec 19, 2014

    17 Times Jake Gyllenhaal Was So Perfect It Was Actually Painful

    Happy 34th birthday, Jake! May you keep torturing us all with your beautiful, beautiful soul.

    1. When his body looked like an actual statue carved out of marble:

    Dear god.

    2. When he did this thing with his tongue:

    *grabs 15 inhalers*

    3. When he was the best shirtless Santa you've ever seen in your whole life:

    ~Happy holidays~ 🎅

    4. When he had the most beautiful ab profile you've ever laid eyes on:

    Thank you, Jesus.

    5. When he seductively sipped on some alcohol and you were like, "yes, I would like a drink. Thank you."

    6. When he literally had the most perfect beard and hair situation and you wanted to freeze him in this moment forever:


    7. This. When all of this happened.

    8. When he tried calming us down about the fact that he'll never be ours 😔:

    Still beautiful, though.

    9. When he gave this coy smile and you started to have heart palpitations:

    10. When this was his ~cuddling in bed~ look:

    "Hi, Jake Gyllenhaal? Yes. I'd like to reserve your cuddling services for this Saturday at 9pm."

    11. When he looked like one giant piece of hard-rock muscle and you straight up lost the ability to function:

    There are truly NO WORDS.

    12. When he giggled so sweetly that it made your insides melt:

    13. When he was ~thug~ Jake G and you were here for all of it:

    14. When his snarky smile made your knees quiver:

    15. When he licked his lips and you weren't sure you knew how to breathe anymore:

    16. When he stared at his lover and it was sexy as hell:

    17. When you got to imagine what'd it'd be like to FaceTime his beautiful soul:

    Which would only last about 5 seconds because you'd collapse as soon as you answered your phone.

    God bless you, Jake. 34 has never looked so good.

    Getty Images Cindy Ord

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