1. When he harkened back to his religious upbringing:
i want to open a christian buffet called "God helps those who help themselves."
2. When he found an extremely elusive silver lining:
looking forward to the sizzle when trump puts his hand on the Bible.
3. When he knew just how to spice up a classic:
currently singing "pretzel nuggets, delicious" to the tune of "the first cut is the deepest."
4. When he aimed for the most possible eye-rolls:
to lose weight don't eat almonds just eat somemomds #yes
5. When he proposed this change to law enforcement:
cops in shorts should only be able to arrest children
6. When he figured out the Oscars debacle before everyone else:
tonight's oscars was directed by m night shamalan
7. When he really lowered (raised?) the standards for hygiene:
i don't brush my teeth. i just eat a few thin mints and call it a night.
8. When he shared your very deep love for Mexican food:
i capitalize Quesadilla out of respect
9. When he wasn't wrong, I guess:
a laugh is a smile you can hear #stoned
10. When he called out the haters:
as i live tweet folding laundry i no longer wonder why so many famous people unfollow me. I GET IT RYAN ADAMS MARC MARON ANDY RICHTER DWAYNE
11. When he refused to fall for corporate BS:
i've lifted with my back my whole life. this is what Big Legs doesn't want you to know.
12. When he was almost romantic:
i dont need valentines day to tell me to treat m'lady right just like i don't need st patricks day to tell me to day drink and shit my pants
13. When he totally understood the diva lifestyle:
there's no way getting just you for christmas would please mariah carey
14. When he was in a different type of holiday spirit:
i like to pretend i hate christmas music in november because i LOVE thanksgiving music. "play GOBBLE GOBBLE ROCK! put on PILGRIM SHUFFLE!"
15. When he was the definition of polite:
some people courtesy flush. i courtesy won't shit in your house.
16. When he had this interesting theory:
what if jonah was swallowed by the whale +was embarrassed he was shat out so when his friends asked how he escaped he was like "uh the Lord"
17. When he had his priorities straight:
who do i talk to about getting the "verified" check mark on my headstone?
18. When he gave your imagination a workout:
when i die, do not blame the year it is. blame the wolves and my misuse of barbecue sauce.
19. When he got a lil' kinky:
my safe word is "you call that fuckin'?!"
20. When he ignited this brand new fear:
lord help us when trump finds the GIF keyboard
21. And when he predicted how it all would end:
me on my death bed: "i wish... i had seen... rogue one... in... the theater... (dies)"
We love you, Pete!
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