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21 Times Pete Holmes Was The Silliest On Twitter

"I'm a silly, silly fun boy!"

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1. When he harkened back to his religious upbringing:

i want to open a christian buffet called "God helps those who help themselves."

2. When he found an extremely elusive silver lining:

looking forward to the sizzle when trump puts his hand on the Bible.

3. When he knew just how to spice up a classic:

currently singing "pretzel nuggets, delicious" to the tune of "the first cut is the deepest."

4. When he aimed for the most possible eye-rolls:

to lose weight don't eat almonds just eat somemomds #yes

5. When he proposed this change to law enforcement:

cops in shorts should only be able to arrest children

6. When he figured out the Oscars debacle before everyone else:

tonight's oscars was directed by m night shamalan

7. When he really lowered (raised?) the standards for hygiene:

i don't brush my teeth. i just eat a few thin mints and call it a night.

8. When he shared your very deep love for Mexican food:

i capitalize Quesadilla out of respect

9. When he wasn't wrong, I guess:

a laugh is a smile you can hear #stoned

10. When he called out the haters:

as i live tweet folding laundry i no longer wonder why so many famous people unfollow me. I GET IT RYAN ADAMS MARC MARON ANDY RICHTER DWAYNE

11. When he refused to fall for corporate BS:

i've lifted with my back my whole life. this is what Big Legs doesn't want you to know.

12. When he was almost romantic:

i dont need valentines day to tell me to treat m'lady right just like i don't need st patricks day to tell me to day drink and shit my pants

13. When he totally understood the diva lifestyle:

there's no way getting just you for christmas would please mariah carey

14. When he was in a different type of holiday spirit:

i like to pretend i hate christmas music in november because i LOVE thanksgiving music. "play GOBBLE GOBBLE ROCK! put on PILGRIM SHUFFLE!"

15. When he was the definition of polite:

some people courtesy flush. i courtesy won't shit in your house.

16. When he had this interesting theory:

what if jonah was swallowed by the whale +was embarrassed he was shat out so when his friends asked how he escaped he was like "uh the Lord"

17. When he had his priorities straight:

who do i talk to about getting the "verified" check mark on my headstone?

18. When he gave your imagination a workout:

when i die, do not blame the year it is. blame the wolves and my misuse of barbecue sauce.

19. When he got a lil' kinky:

my safe word is "you call that fuckin'?!"

20. When he ignited this brand new fear:

lord help us when trump finds the GIF keyboard

21. And when he predicted how it all would end:

me on my death bed: "i wish... i had seen... rogue one... in... the theater... (dies)"

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