The Things That Hurt You
I attended high school with a girl who was abused by someone she had relations with. Let’s just say it was a long situationship, but at the end of the day, it was the only relationship she knew at the time. He was older than her, but the age difference didn’t affect the physical and mental connection that grew to be strong between them. There were rumors of his violent behavior towards women, but she made the decision to ignore them and not judge his past.
Her first experience of his violent behavior was during her sophomore year. He came to her house late night after her mother left for work. She wasn't in the mood to joke around because she needed to get up for school the next day. He was persistent on play fighting which she didn’t have interest in and during her attempt to push him away, she accidentally hit him in the face. Being that it was an accident, she felt extremely sorry and when she went to comfort him, he smacked her in the face. Her instinct was to hit him back which she did and then he preceded to kick her in the stomach and smack her again. Back and forth kicking and punching occurred and he eventually ran out of the house. Tears of embarrassment and hurt poured down her face as she tried to understand why did this man who she grew to love and care about want to hurt her.
The next day she went to school late and was welcomed by her friends near their lockers. Her best friend realized that her eye was blood red and it seems a blood vessel had broke and she had a bruise around her eye. She ran to the bathroom and her friends followed and she explained what happened.
This was the beginning of a three-year relationship that was filled with love, violence and pretty much a mind fuck. The story of the young girl was about me. This was the beginning of something I couldn't understand why I allowed myself to be another man’s punching bag. Growing up, I always felt I was a tough girl who was raised by a strong black woman and I would never let a man put his hands on me. There were moments where he would beat my ass and I never backed down and would fight back. I felt I needed to prove that I would not let him get the best of me, but the whole time he was in control.
I felt stuck in this fucked up sitautionship and although I had everything going for myself, I didn’t have the strength to walk away. Besides my close friends who were witness to my secret life, I was too embarrassed to share with my mother and anyone else. My friends and I were all so young to really understand the damage that was slowly taking place mentally to my growth as a young adult. I didn’t want to be a victim or have people feel sorry for me, so we didn’t really talk about it.
He was a broken man who went through a difficult childhood. His insecurities and his demons became my responsibility and my body was proof of his frustrations and controlling ways. I often tried to understand what was going through his mind when in reality that was not my job. My focus should have been to take care of myself. I remember times where after we would fight and we would both cry. He would have a rage of anger and at that moment I knew it was going to turn into a physical fight. We often exchanged hateful words and although that may have not been physical, but it can be emotionally damaging. The only I could do is continue to hold my head up and with the help of my friends and my hobbies at the time, it was easy for me to ignore that part of my life.
A woman's love is so precious and sensitive that it's easy to take advantage of. Whether you’re a woman or a man in an abusive relationship, you need to remember we have control over our lives and ourselves.
Dating abuse (also known as dating violence, intimate partner violence, or relationship abuse) is a pattern of abusive behaviors -- usually a series of abusive behaviors over a course of time -- used to exert power and control over a dating partner. It is another form of domestic violence. No one deserves to be that young girl that I used to be. No one should be involved in an abusive relationship. If you see a small sign you need to reconsider who you are in a relationship with. If you ignore the small signs you will soon start to ignore the larger ones.
They say, "the things that hurt you, break you down and make you weak today, are the same things that will build you up, make you strong and help you carry on tomorrow." Today I am 29 years old and I'm finally talking about this experience and building myself up to continue to be a better and stronger me. So can YOU! It’s not easy at all. I often have these walls up to protect myself and my feelings. I learned that not all people are the same and you must give everyone a chance. You don’t have to stand for bullshit, but that should be for any and everyone. Be honest with yourself, trust yourself, and love yourself. Surround yourself with honest people because they will be your support. You can also reach out to hotlines that they have available to talk to someone.
You're too beautiful to be wounded mentally and physical by another human being. Don’t allow someone to tell you different. It is your life and you control your destiny. You’re the most important person in your life and don’t let another person scar you because those wounds will be hard to heal.
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