Breaking up with a friend can be just as painful as romantic breakup. There's no hurt like the feeling of watching a best friend turn into a stranger you no longer recognize. Of course no person wants to go through the sadness of losing a bestie, but it seems like everyone has at least one story about a best friend they had to cut off. I know I do. I've also been the friend who was cut off.
I truly don't have enough emotional stamina left in me to process another friendship fizzling away, so I try to stay mindful of habits to avoid if I want my friendships to be everlasting. So, when I saw a thread on "Ask Reddit" where u/Macburgh asked "What pushed you away from your ex-best friend?", I was curious to see what could be learned from these stories.
One common response was that they were pouring energy into the friendship that wasn't reciprocated:
1. "She was my bestie, but I was just another person to her."
—u/Rude_Girl69
2. "I realized that she wasn’t willing to prioritize me the way she expected me to prioritize her."
Or, excessive negativity became an unwelcome third member of the group:
3. "When I realized that they brought negative energy and drama with them everywhere, something always had to be wrong, and they desperately needed to be the center of everyone’s attention. It just became grating and I found myself less happy around them. So, I had to remove myself from the friendship."
"Same. Like, I realized that the constant negativity made me negative too."
4. "She went from venting to emotional dumping and I couldn’t take it anymore."
"Oh, I'd love to end friendships for this reason if I ever get over being a people pleaser."
Sometimes, a significant other suddenly took precedence and a best friend disappeared into their relationship:
5. "He got a girlfriend and doesn't need me anymore."
6. "She only wanted to talk to me about her relationship problems with her boyfriend. [She ignored my advice] and I couldn’t handle hearing about how poorly he treated her over and over."
7. "BFFs for about 10 years. I finally distanced myself because I couldn’t handle her relationship. It was very unhealthy, in my opinion. He never had a job, and it's not that he was unemployed and looking. He was unemployed and planning to stay unemployed and let my friend work for their household money. "
"She couldn't do anything alone. When she went to work, he hung out there for her shift. If I told her that he wasn’t invited, she would either refuse to come, cancel at the last minute, or she would rush through whatever we had planned so she could meet him outside where he would loiter waiting for her to finish hanging out with me. When we managed to get some time alone, she constantly complained about their lack of money, how she wanted him to work, and to stop smothering her. I encouraged her to either talk to him and work it out or dump him. She promised to talk to him but never did. I just couldn’t watch her disrespect herself anymore when the solution was so simple."
Sometimes, friendships ended simply when one person grew up and the other one didn't:
8. "I realized that I’m a people pleaser and started setting boundaries. The rest sorted itself out."
9. "I got therapy."
Some friends noticed a pattern of broken promises and selfish behavior before they decided enough was enough:
10. "She promised to visit when my dog died but then she didn’t. Then, she promised to visit when she got her new car but didn’t. Now, she still hasn't met my son who is nearly two. I’ve given up. I did so much for her but it appears it was one-sided. I still miss her and what I thought we had."
11. "Got a new friend and hung out together a few times. New friend mentioned how old friend was treating me like absolute shit and I didn't seem to notice. As soon as new friend mentioned it, that's all I could notice."
12. "He was increasingly unreliable. We would make plans like buying concert tickets and he would not show up. He always used work as an excuse. I got tired of getting let down so I just stopped trying."
13. "When I realized that the only time she ever got in touch with me was because she wanted something from me."
Some responses were friends who sadly got absolutely screwed over by someone they trusted:
14. "He got my wife pregnant. They hid it from me and just hoped I wouldn't figure it out. I didn't find out my daughter wasn't mine until she was four."
15. "Money. Loaned a sizable amount to my best friend in a time in need to buy a cheap car so he could start a job. He got said job and then blocked me from everything. Entire friendship down the drain over money."
Some stories addressed heavy topics, like addiction:
16. "He chose drugs. I did not."
17. "He started smoking crack. I did an intervention for him and it was a disaster. I told him I love him but I can’t be around him when he’s using drugs."
"I was on the flip side of that situation. I became the addict and looking back now, I ruined several really good friendships and had some really great friends that probably held on too long and ended up getting negatively affected by my actions. The drugs really lock away the person you used to be and they have to find a way to get back to that on their own. You can still absolutely care about them and want the best for them, but you can do that from afar. You don't have to sit there and let them bring you down into that hole with them. I hope that your friend can find his way back before it's too late."
18. "He kept asking for money because he didn’t have a job. I kept trying to take him places to apply or even just help him put in an application online, but he declined. He lost his car because he stopped working. He only wanted to go to the casino, without money, and said he 'will give me whatever he wins.' I have known him since I was five and 25 years later I couldn’t do it anymore. It sucks because he was my best friend, but I can’t be an enabler."
Some best friends weren't really the best of friends in the first place:
19. "She used to make fun of me behind my back with others."
20. "She would get mad and try to make me feel bad if I couldn't hang out with her."
And finally, sometimes life just happens:
21. "Time and distance. She’s no longer my best friend, but she’s sort of my friend."
"This is probably the most common answer even if it's not a huge story or a big fall out.
Most friendships I've lost come from simply not being around someone anymore and not really missing them."
22. "Our interests just naturally drifted apart and we gradually ceased all communication without any drama. I was kinda bummed, but that's life."
