Sex therapists are experts in a wide range of bedroom matters. Through talk therapy, they help their clients work through issues like low or mismatched libidos, performance anxiety, sexual shame and an inability to achieve orgasm, to name just a few. They can also help folks explore their sexuality, fantasies, kinks and non-monogamous relationship structures.
Based on their years of professional experience, we asked these sexperts what they personally avoid in the bedroom. Here’s what we learned.
I would never try something new without a partner’s consent.
One of sex therapist Tom Murray’s rules is to never experiment in the bedroom without talking to his partner and getting their approval first.
“The realm of intimate relationships is wide and diverse, providing endless opportunities to discover joy, pleasure and connection. But exploring new ground without consent from both parties may cause unease, betrayals of confidence and even injury,” Murray, author of “Making Nice With Naughty,” told HuffPost.
Having conversations about your sexual desires and limits fosters respect, ensures both parties are on the same page and builds anticipation, he said.
“A good sexual relationship depends on this kind of conversation because it ensures that any exploration is grounded in permission and mutual curiosity, strengthening the connection and enhancing the experience for both parties,” Murray added.
I would never fake an orgasm.
Sex therapist Mary Hellstrom, clinical supervisor at The Expansive Group, isn’t one to put on a show and pretend she’s having an orgasm.
“Our culture is very ‘results’ focused, even and especially when it comes to sex. Some of the best sex I’ve had hasn’t included a point of climax for me or my partner,” she told HuffPost.
In fact, refusing to fake orgasms is a boundary she’s set for herself.
“[It] helps me to center my experience of pleasure and de-center the expectation that ‘good sex’ always has to include an earth-shattering orgasm,” she said. “Less pressure equals more fun.”
I don’t police my partner’s sexual fantasies.
Sex therapist Nazanin Moali, host of the “Sexology” podcast, doesn’t try to control her partner’s fantasies, nor does she feel threatened by them. After all, fantasies are a natural part of our sexuality, she noted. And it’s good to keep in mind that not everyone is interested in acting out the scenarios in their imagination.
“Various factors, such as our environment, stress levels, life stage and childhood experiences, contribute to what arouses us,” Moali said.
“It’s common for our partners to have fantasies that may not involve us, and for most individuals, having a fantasy doesn’t imply a breach of the relationship agreement. Embracing our unique desires and understanding the complexity of our sexual selves can enhance the intimacy and connection we share.”
I would never shame my partner for what they’re into.
You won’t find sex therapist Incia A. Rashid of The Expansive Group making rude or otherwise insensitive remarks about something a partner expresses interest in that would make them feel ashamed for opening up.
“In the sex therapy world, we have a phrase that goes, ‘Don’t yuck someone else’s yum,’” she said. “Causing someone to experience shame will undo their sense of safety. This applies to all aspects of intimacy, such as how a person presents themselves to their partners or suggestions for exploration from their partners.”
Rashid has worked with female-identifying clients who are shamed by their partners for “the littlest things” — like how they groom their pubic hair or what kind of lingerie they wear.
“You cannot experience true sexual freedom if you are being shamed,” she said.
Nor would I shame myself for letting my mind wander during sex.
As a sex therapist, Hellstrom doesn’t beat herself up for occasionally engaging in mental fantasies during sex. Being totally in the moment is great, but “it’s also completely normal for the mind to wander when we’re in the transcendental space of the erotic,” she explained.
“If my mind starts down a path of remembering past moments or fantasizing about new scenarios during sex, I allow my mind to journey down those paths without judgment,” Hellstrom said. “This also allows me to gently return my attention to the present moment when I’m ready to do so. Less shame equals more fun!”
I don’t blame myself for a partner’s erection issues.
Moali doesn’t assume that her partner’s erectile issues are her fault unless that has been communicated to her. Often people take these bedroom issues personally, which only worsens the situation, when really it could be a result of stress, sleep disturbances, a physiological issue or other causes.
“It doesn’t reflect on someone’s attractiveness or chemistry if your partner is facing challenges; it could simply be a result of a bad night’s sleep,” Moali explained. “Instead of pulling away or ignoring the issue, a better approach is to ask them, ‘How can I support you right now?’ Let’s foster a supportive environment!”
I don’t avoid uncomfortable conversations about sex.
Sex therapist Janet Brito, founder of The Sexual Health School, told HuffPost that she prioritizes emotional intimacy and open communication about sexual preferences in the bedroom. Sure, these conversations aren’t always easy to have, but they’re integral to a satisfying sex life.
“It’s essential to discuss what brings pleasure and address any obstacles openly and compassionately,” she said. “My aim is to avoid criticism and instead focus on expressing needs and desires while enhancing arousal through intimate, kind and affirming acts. This fosters a positive cycle of connection, thereby enhancing sexual intimacy.”
This article originally appeared on HuffPost.