Horrible Husbands 101
Dear wives, I am here to give you a quick lesson on what an actual “horrible” husband is.
He leaves his dirty socks lying around, he never takes out the trash, he continuously naps while I do all the work. His side of the bed is littered with kleenex, post-it notes and maybe a wedding ring lost somewhere amongst the drink containers.
Wait - I’ve got this turned around. I, the wife, am the lazy a-hole you’re reading about. I’m sleeping in while he doesn’t make a peep until I blissfully wake after a full night’s sleep. I’m eating chips in bed and leaving garbage all over the house. (Don’t judge me, chips taste better at nighttime in a soft, cuddly blanket while reading a mysterious book and you damn well know it’s true.) He makes sure to cook for me while I maintain a workaholic lifestyle during my (very few) waking hours. I sleep in while he makes sure the kids get a warm breakfast before school. He’s the one trying new recipes he thinks his whole family will enjoy while, if left to my own devices, have been known to eat popcorn for lunch.
Sure, I have my own tasks around the house, but this isn’t about me. This is about the shit-eating sloth of a human being you’ve portrayed as your husband. Who is this “horrible” husband you speak of? When I read articles online of every woman’s complaint tirade of their husband’s terrible habits, I find myself wondering a few questions. Do I have it just this good or have we built up our hatred for men so much that we ignore what’s utterly fantastic about them?
The "real" stuff that puts marriages to the test: deciding where to eat for dinner. A spouse that has different decor than you do. He loads the dishwasher wrong and the toilet paper is wrong, and everything else is wrong, too. Great, he’s rubbing up against me again, desperate for some intimacy. Wait - my husband is attracted to me and wants to be near me? Considering that I’ve managed to insulate myself up two jeans sizes since he fell in love with me, perhaps I should be a little more appreciative of this little “annoyance.”
Hey. Are you in this for the long haul? Because words cannot express the kind of horrendous shit you’re going to encounter during a life-long marriage to another equally shitty human being.
Blanket statements tend to work fine for what a truly horrible husband is. He’s beating the shit out of you, he’s humping other women, he’s blowing all your savings at the casino on hookers. If this isn’t the case, you actually don’t have a horrible husband. In actuality, you have an honorable man who puts up with all your idiotic neuroses of how perfect your life was supposed to be turning out right about now.
Homes get messy, lives blend together and kids throw jam-soaked wrenches into all of your perfect plans. But this is what life’s all about - weathering every storm together and being able to find it within yourself to appreciate that very special thing you two have going - being able to stand each other as the years roll by. It’s really pretty remarkable.
Keli Spanier lives near Cincinnati with her husband & two stepdaughters. She runs Colette Paperie, a humor-based greeting card line that is represented in over 150 stores across the world.
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