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    31 Things That Actually Happen In Episode 1 Of "The Young Pope"

    You're welcome.

    In case you hadn't heard, there's a new HBO show called The Young Pope and the internet is having a lot of fun with it. The series is all about the newly appointed Pope Pius XIII, who's breakin' rules and bein' young. I watched the first episode so you don't have to.

    Here are the most important parts:

    1. Young Pope crawls out of a pile of dead babies. This is the first scene in the show: Young Pope crawling out of a pile of dead babies.

    2. Young Pope wakes up. The dead babies were a dream!

    3. He gets in the shower. He drops his towel to the floor, revealing a quick glimpse of Young Pope butt.

    4. It’s raining in St. Peter’s Square. Young Pope raises his hands to the sky, sighs erotically, and the sun comes out. The crowd goes BANANAS.

    5. Young Pope says, “Ciao, Rome!” like every American foreign exchange student who studied abroad in Italy their sophomore year of college.

    6. Then Young Pope yells, “We have forgotten to masturbate!” to the crowd.

    7. Three cardinals faint backward in perfect unison.

    8. Young Pope wakes up. It was still just a dream!

    9. Young Pope’s mentor asks him who he is. “I am a contradiction, like God,” he says. He is not kidding.

    10. Young Pope’s butler, Domen, is basically Lurch from The Addams Family. He tries to serve Young Pope breakfast…

    11. …but the only thing Young Pope ever wants for breakfast is CHERRY COKE ZERO.


    13. When Lurch offers him a Diet Coke, Young Pope purrs, “Oooo, let’s not utter heresies.”

    14. Young Pope's personal cook kisses him on the cheek, so he verbally berates her and makes her cry.

    15. A cardinal confesses that he secretly wants to fuck a 25,000-year-old statue in Young Pope’s office. He’s trying to control Young Pope, he is the meanest cardinal.

    16. Young Pope’s radio keeps making weird fuzzy noises. He seems unsure whether it is haunted or not.

    17. Young Pope goes to confession, but tells the priest that his only sin is thinking he has no sins.

    18. Young Pope lights a cigarette, his First Cigarette of the Show. He broods.

    19. Mean Cardinal stares at the 25,000-year-old statue he’d like to fuck while some intense didgeridoo music plays.

    20. Instead of taking meetings, Young Pope decides to go chill on a helipad. He wears an iconic hat.

    21. Diane Keaton shows up in a helicopter. She wears transition lenses and is a Fabulous Nun.

    22. Young Pope gives Fabulous Nun her own room, which is just a few feet from his room, which features a big black throne that he sits on. He broods.

    23. Fabulous Nun tells Young Pope he will now have to lead one billion people and asks if he understands, which probably means Young Pope is not great at math.

    24. Young Pope lights a cigarette in his office, but Mean Cardinal says that’s not allowed. Young Pope looks him dead in the eye and says, “There’s a new pope now.” He takes a loooong drag.

    25. Young Pope says he doesn’t like tourists.

    26. He kneels before a big crucifix and says, “It’s my destiny,” in a kinda sorta Long Island-ish accent.

    27. Young Pope says he has a “prodigious memory” and gets a look on his face that silently screams, “BEST. BAND. NAME. EVER.”

    28. Young Pope goes to confession with the same priest as last time — but this time on the roof, because fuck rules.

    29. Young Pope confesses that he doesn’t believe in God.

    30. The priest begins to cry, because what? Will this guy ever just give him a normal goddamn confession?

    31. So Young Pope says, “I was jokingggg!” and laughs.