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Stay toasty my Avocados or whatever. Who cares? Life is meaningless.
About The Columnist
Katharine Hanifen is fine. Really. She’s fine. Why do people keep asking?
Well, the trees are blooming, and pollen is in the air, setting off everyone’s allergies. It’s spring time one again, and with spring time comes spring cleaning. Time to clean out that pig’s sty you call an apartment. And what better place to start than with that participation trophy you kept languishing on the top of your dresser for some reason? It’s been gathering dust or what, five years now? Why do you even still have that thing? Whatever. It’s as good a place to start as any.
Wonder what happened to Josh. Did he ever become an astronaut like he wanted? What about Becky and Janna-Sue? Remember the other friends you have drifted apart from over the years. Ask yourself if you should reconnect or if that would be weird because you haven’t spoken in ten years and for all you know, they don’t remember you or the promise that you would be friends forever. A promise that was broken, just like every other promise in your life.
Give up on dusting the trophy halfway through. Lie down and weep in existential dread over the life you could have lead, the things you left behind, and the unfaltering march of time. Hold the trophy close. The metal is cold and hollow like your soul. It is the only tangible thing in your short, wasted life.
Stay toasty my Avocados or whatever. Who cares? Life is meaningless.
Katharine Hanifen is fine. Really. She’s fine. Why do people keep asking?