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Tudor Week 2016, Feat. Four Beheadings And A Banquet

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1. Gonna start off this week with a little disclaimer. For anyone who read Dessert Week, my boyfriend was incensed that I said he thought Andrew was from Liverpool. He's 'not that stupid' and 'never said that'. He doesn't want people to think he's a 'complete idiot'. Turns out he thought Andrew was from Scotland.

2. Anyway, it's Tudor week this week, and the Tudors are genuinely one of my biggest loves alongside pie.

3. Oh and the first challenge is pies, would you look at that.

4. I shall be interjecting my points today with Tudor facts in the spirit of the theme.

5. For example, Henry VIII was a man and the eighth in a line of Henrys. I told you I was good.

6. Of course the engineer manages to incorporate cogs into his bake.

7. Candice casually lugging an entire bottle of wine in there, although the Tudors only really drank alcohol so I guess that's fair. Bezza's gonna be bouncing off the tent walls.

8. Been distracted for the past five minutes because I'm writing this up on a bus and a guy across the aisle has just put on then taken off five pairs of shoes one by one only to put on the first pair he tried. Does he think he's shopping?

9. The person next to him is looking distinctly uncomfortable about the situation.

10. Not as uncomfortable as a 'squeeze and a look' from Paul would make me feel though.


12. Unrelated Tudor fact: Katherine Parr had a dog

13. Andrew's politely like 'ooh actually do you mind if I turn it first?' when really inside he's screaming step the fuck away from my cogs bitch

14. Selasi's panicking that the technical might be a soufflé. Did the Tudors have soufflé…?

15. Related Tudor fact: the Tudors did not have soufflés

16. 6 jungles?

17. 6 jumbles?

18. What's a jumble? Why does Candice know of any jumbles at all?

19. Overground underground jumbling free.

20. I'm pretty sure they said dough in the 16th century the same way as we do now Selasi, calm yourself down.

21. And this is exactly what's holding me back from baking prowess. I'd just grab a handful of dough that looked about 2/5 and the bakers are carefully weighing theirs out. It didn't even occur to me to weigh it.

22. The way this technical challenge is accompanied by the sound of a sinister bell makes it seem like instead of sending someone home at the end they're going to execute them.

23. Unrelated Tudor fact: Anne Boleyn was executed for allegedly sleeping with her brother. And other things, but that's the weirdest.

24. When Selasi says he read the instructions and realised he's knotted his jumble wrong he basically means he glanced over at someone else's bench and realised he'd screwed up.

25. Quick bus update: the man is now wearing no shoes at all.

26. Whether Maul approve of them or not these biscuits look dry as a bone. I'd have to water them down with flagon upon flagon of Tudor wine.

27. 'Must be 3D'. As opposed to handing in a drawing of a centerpiece or…?

28. Benjamina's always having a sly glance around her like she's about to trade her self-raising in for cocaine.

29. Jane accidentally put her title inspiration in the bin along with her leftovers when she decided to plump for 'Jane's swans'.

30. The only thing holding me back at this stage from getting a block of marzipan and chomping my way through it is the email I got from Google+ 5 minutes before this episode started, entitled 'Katie, discover fat and weight loss tips and much more!' Why would they send that on the happiest day of the week? Why?

31. None of us want to see any cracks, Andrew. Not pre-watershed.

32. Another sly glance from Benjamina the drug-lord.

33. Related Tudor fact: narcotics were once found in the pipes near Shakespeare's house. Ladeth.

34. Bloody hell that peacock is superb.

35. Everyone's moving at top speed except Andrew, who's gone into a weird, caramel-induced trance.

36. I'm struggling to see past these lances in a big way.

37. Better off on a hand? Not sure about that Paul. I think they're better off tucked firmly away before someone calls the police.

38. Having laughed over that entire segment I'm really not sure whether they liked it or not. All I know is that those jousters were extremely well-equipped for a bit of sporty thrusting.

39. Candice's peacock is the Paul's bread lion that we've been waiting for.

40. Underwhelmed by Andrew's?? I'd be distinctly overwhelmed if anything that wildly out of proportion was headed in my direction.

41. Sue's peacock impression is absolutely fantastic.

42. If Benjamina goes this week Selasi will be gone next week anyway so he may as well leave now.

43. Very lengthy pause. No one's going?

44. Two people are going?

45. They're all going??

46. Mue and Mary are going?

47. Oh wait THEY ARE.

48. Wow, Benjamina's going. Byejamina.

49. Cryjamina :(

50. To the semis! Which is far less than can be said for Andrew's jousters' lances.

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