There is no “good reason” to watch all the films based on Nicholas Sparks novels in one sitting.
The simple fact is that I don’t know WHY we did this, and that – predictably – we don’t recommend trying it. We did it so you don’t have to.
My cousin Luke had the idea two years ago, when he was watching 365 movies in a year. He wanted to finish the year with a Nicholas Sparks marathon. We’ve done things like this before, on a smaller scale and usually by accident. I visited for 18 hours before Christmas last year and we watched Point Break three times. There is comfort in repetition! We decided to pull the trigger on the Sparks-a-Thon, picking a weekend in March where we thought the North Carolina setting would help us through the slow end of winter.
Anyone who has seen more than one Nicholas Sparks adaptation knows is that they are all exactly the same. Nicholas Sparks is either a very boring man with one idea about what constitutes as romance (death?) or he is the L. Ron Hubbard of romantic literature. It is hard to examine his body of work and not suspect he looks down on his fanbase to an extent, or maybe he’s trying to make sure there’s a Nicholas Sparks movie for everyone depending on your preference in Sexiest Profession/Hobby! Like a Choose Your Own Romantic Melodrama.
Before we begin it is important to note that Nicholas Sparks only writes the novels these films are based on. He produced the last four films, and co-wrote the script for The Last Song. My boyfriend thought he was a director and Luke’s boyfriend thought he was an actor we loved. Every film is directed by a different director and it reminds me that every story has already been told already, but it’s the perspective of the person telling it that makes it unique and makes all these similar stories worth hearing. The Nicholas Sparks collection feels like each creative team was given a slip of paper with “A stranger with a secret comes to a small coastal southern town and falls in love with an unlikely match. Someone dies/has already died/or both, horribly” and then set off to complete the Nicholas Sparks 48 Hour Film Challenge.
I took the train to my parents’ house (they also asked “why”) to borrow their car and drive another hour and a half to Luke’s house in Massachusetts. I arrived at 1AM, our first film scheduled to begin at 6:40AM. Luke spread out all the DVDs on his coffee table and we considered the gravity of the next 24 hours. There are 11 films, totaling 20.68 hours. We are not allowed to leave the house, we are not allowed to pause, and we are not allowed to sleep. Luke’s boyfriend will join us after work, Luke’s friends Sarah and Rachel will too. Other people are maybes. We have a freezer full of snacks, but those three have agreed to be our tether to the outside world.
We stay up until 2:30AM because we’re so excited, Luke says it feels like Christmas Eve. We debate starting right then but we’ve both already been awake for 19 hours at that point and since we’re not allowed to nap… We set our alarms for 6:40.
The living room light switches on – Luke is up and suddenly so am I.
I check my watch to see how behind schedule we are already but it’s 6:41. Alex says later that he’s never seen Luke get out of bed so fast.
Luke has seen every single movie “at least twice” and I have only not seen Safe Haven, Nights in Rodanthe, and The Choice. Before we begin we make a note of our current favorite Sparks movie, to see if we learn anything along the way. Luke’s is The Notebook, mine is The Longest Ride (while recognizing that The Notebook is actually the unrivaled best of the bunch.)
6:50AM – MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE
The first Nicholas Sparks film. In Message in a Bottle Robin Wright finds a romantic letter in a bottle on a beach run (this is not the last time we will see a woman literally running away from her own loneliness) and becomes obsessed with finding the author. She’s a journalist, so she just loves stories. Always trying to find a good story!
The letter’s sender turns out to be widowed Kevin Costner, who can’t finish building this boat ever since his wife died. His father is played by Paul Newman. I watched this in college when I watched every Paul Newman movie in a year (still confused as to why people even bother asking “why” re: Spark-a-Thon, this is a clear behavior pattern). Luke mentions his family saw this movie being filmed in Maine, and that he saw Kevin Costner from far away. Very cool.
7:00AM – I say, “I’m loving this so far! We’re doing it!”
7:03AM – We’re bored for the first time.
7:29AM – We check the runtimes of each film, they seem impossibly long. What have we done?
Robin Wright seems to fall in love with Kevin Costner because of how much he continues to love his dead wife. This is weird. We are not having as much fun as we thought, but Luke looks on the bright side, “If you don’t listen to what they’re saying, it’s great.”
We experience our first Nicholas Sparks Sex Scene. There is a LOT of stroking arms, back muscles in shadow, while “I Love You” by Sarah MacLaughlan plays. Luke’s take? “Worst sex scene so far.”
Kevin Costner dies while trying to save a family on a sailboat. We are unsure whether Costner was out on his boat in the storm in fun or suicidal way. This is further muddied when it is revealed he had two letters on his person – one for Robin Wright and one for his dead wife – saying that he loved them the same amount even though he has known Robin Wright for like literally three weeks.
We decide we need snacks so as soon as the credits start I run out the door and down to the corner store. I bought four of those Starbucks fridge drinks for me, and three Diet Cokes for Luke.
I make it back for the opening credits of……..
9:11AM – A WALK TO REMEMBER
This movie was such a big deal when I was in middle school. I was not allowed to watch PG-13 movies so I didn’t see it until my best friend bought it on DVD or VHS (what a strange time, saddling technology) and we watched it at her house. We had a history of getting very distracted by making each other laugh – and a karaoke machine she had – so I don’t think I ever saw the movie all the way through. Anyway, HERE WE ARE!
A Walk to Remember is Mandy Moore’s star turn as an unpopular and annoying preacher’s daughter and Shane West, a popular boy who is forced to do the school play. They fall in love, she’s dying, Mandy Moore sings.
We’re feeling great about this one. It’s much less boring than Message in a Bottle, and we get stoned. This…. Suddenly seems like it could turn into a horror movie at any second??? And I’m just going to share my unedited notes from the last half hour of the movie because they say more as they are.
“WE MIGHT ACTYALLY DIE
WEDDING SCENE ENTIRELY FADING, INCREASE IN SPEED OF CUTS
One death and no sex scene”
We feel gipped with no sex scene and were so high by the end that the wedding scene editing was terrifying. A Walk to Remember is worth a rewatch just for that scene.
10:53AM – THE NOTEBOOK
We’re so happy to be watching The Notebook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We’ve both seen this movie so many times, but I usually fast forward through the old people parts because they are completely unnecessary and I hate them. This will be the first time I’ve watched the old people parts since I saw it for the first time many years ago.
I believe this movie is good. It contains all the classic Sparks tropes but the level of filmmaking is technically so much better than the other ten films. A lot is owed to Ryan and Rachel’s chemistry, and it is the only Sparks movie (other than The Longest Ride but we’ll get to that) where falling in love and being in love actually seems fun and exciting. Through the rest of Sparks-a-Thon we see a lot of the same activities shown to demonstrate that wacky ride of young love, but The Notebook feels different. There is a lot to be said about how Noah is emotionally abusive though lol. Maybe this movie is bad.
I ask Luke, “How often do you think this happens? That you get injured in war and then fall in love with your nurse but then actually get married?”
“All the time, all the time. How else would you meet people?”
Noah building the house for her brings us back to Message in a Bottle when Kevin builds the boat to get over his dead wife. Nicholas Sparks loves these handmade wooden projects representing a person, and the act of building it represents the fight to get over them? Dare I say a labor of love…?
When Rachel dumps James Marsden he’s so chill. Everyone in the Sparksiverse operates on some weird level where true love is the most powerful thing. Across the board no one is ever upset when they’re dumped for true love.
I ran to my car to get my leftover sour worms and missed the Big Reveal about who the old people are. But, I have seen this movie over six times and also it’s obvious.
12:34PM – NIGHTS IN RODANTHE
Nights in Rodanthe is the first one I have never seen. We have been dreading it all morning but 54 seconds in Luke says, “Oh I actually love this movie.” I learn it’s pronounced Rodanthy??? I hate that.
At 01:40:45 Luke says he is going to “listen with my eyes closed”
There is a boring piano music sex scene with buttons unbuttoning and lots of crossfades. I am struggling to stay awake. We agreed that we could not sleep and now that Luke is asleep I have revised the rule so that one (1) of us has to be watching in order for it to count. There’s no way I’m trying to do this again. We CANNOT fail.
Luke wakes up 2 hours and 13 minutes in. The best naps are always about a half hour, any more is too much and any less is too little!
“This day is flying by” is in my notes with no elaboration, not sure why I thought that during the most boring movie of the day…
2:30PM – DEAR JOHN
We have been looking forward to a beach movie, since the North Carolina settings were a major part of our decision to do this in the first place. We both don’t really remember what happens in this movie. Although I did write a letter to a soldier after I saw it the first time. NO IT’S NOT BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE WOULD FALL IN LOVE! Some soldiers don’t get very much mail!
Another blue light, extremely slow and sensual sex scene. Gross.
Dear John has the first, and actually only, Nicholas Sparks Male Crying scene. Interesting. Male vulnerability is not really featured in these films, surprisingly. Except like, obviously, LOVE or whatever. But even the way these men express their love is in such stereotypically masculine ways: building a boat, building a house, stalking, etc.
4:14PM – THE LAST SONG
We both think we like this one before it starts. Off the bat the younger brother is the most annoying person on Earth. Not sure how I will survive this whole film. I quickly remember that I hate this movie because Greg Kinnear and annoying brother spend the entire time gawking and being confused about women.
A mechanic who volunteers at the aquarium is the perfect man. It’s the sixth movie of the day but I’m not sick of the romantic-having-fun montages. Not one bit.
‘“SHE WIIIIIIILL BE LOVED” the scene where Miley sings along to Maroon 5 in the car and he’s like “wow you have a great voice”‘ why did I make a note of this? Hm. Because it’s funny when singers sing in movies where their character is not a singer (she is a prodigious piano player in this movie)? If you were friends with a famous singer would you sing in the car with them or be too embarrassed? Do they have a Car Singing Voice and a Professional Singing Voice or is it just the same voice? Do they have fun or are they trying to get a good vocal performance?
5:59PM – THE LUCKY ONE
We love this movie. I have seen it all the way through probably 4 times, I’m sure Luke’s count is so astronomical I would rather not know.
Taylor Schilling plays our second Sparks woman using running-for-exercise as a way to also run from her problems.
THE. BEST. SPARKS. SEX. SCENE. It is the most exciting four minutes of the last six hours. There is fun stuff in the shower followed by what you THINK is gonna be a boring Nicholas Sparks sex scene with the weird romantic mosquito net Zac has for a bed canopy and lots of frowning, but instead there’s laughing and butt grabbing and they have trouble pulling his pant leg off. It’s very good.
7:45PM – SAFE HAVEN
We have our first (and only) director repeat. Safe Haven was directed by the same guy who did Dear John. I have seen 15 minutes of this on Netflix but stopped because the beginning was too intense and it seemed like it would be scary. Luke assures me it is not.
We keep not listening to Josh, playing the only single father in the Sparksiverse, and Julianne’s conversations, we are distracted by obvious lesbian love story between Julianne and Cobie Smulders.
Oh cool another sloooooooooow blue light sex scene. We are an hour and 35 minutes in and no one can remember Josh’s character’s name.
BREAKING: Cobie is a lesbian ghost!! This came out of literally nowhere, first supernatural element ever in a Sparks movie. She is also the dead mother of Josh’s children.
9:38PM – BEST OF ME
James Marsden makes his second appearance in the Sparksiverse. We saw him a few hours ago in The Notebook, remember?
Luke’s friend Andrew has stopped by and asks the classic question about the cover art of the DVDs, “How can they all be the same?”
He also points out that both versions of Michelle Monaghan’s character ONLY wear backless dresses. The whole time. We are trying to figure out what this might mean?
The sex scene is backlit and unmemorable, but no blue light at least! We also have our second ghost encounter. Interesting. Nicholas got into supernatural stuff for a minute there. Hate that.
We get very bored and make a plan for later to boost morale: Biore strips, shrimp cocktail, The Longest Ride, and champagne?
11:39PM – THE LONGEST RIDE
THE MOVIE I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FORWARD TO ALL DAY. Luke is on his third tank top of Sparks-a-Thon. We look at a box of old photos of Luke’s dad, half-watching the movie. This sucks in retrospect because this movie is actually really good. Truly actually with zero irony I recommend this movie. It’s stupid and romantic like all Sparks movies but the old people parts are as interesting IF NOT MORE than the young people main character love story, and the performances are good.
We do not do Biore strips, shrimp cocktail, nor champagne.
THE CHOICE
Here’s where things fall apart. The Choice is the final Sparks movie of Sparks-A-Thon but also probably ever. It did so poorly at the box office that his production company shut down.
I do not know what time we started it. I was fighting to stay awake. Luke had to talk to me roughly every 45 seconds to keep me conscious.
What I remember:
Someone is a veterinarian.
There was goofy Grey’s Anatomy sneaking music? And Teresa Palmer came out of her house with her hands on her hips being like “I’m studying!”
Not-Eric-Bana looks like he’s wearing someone else’s face.
Teresa Palmer suddenly in the hospital with breathing tubes.
Alexandra Daddario appears. You may know her from True Detective or the new Baywatch but I recognize her as someone Logan Lerman was maybe dating in his Percy Jackson era!
The credits roll
We finished. I ask Luke what his takeaway is, how he feels now that We Did It.
“I hate them all, I never want to watch one again.”
We go to bed, wake up around 10 the next morning and I drive back to Connecticut to catch my train to New York. I spend a few hours with my parents and am downright rude. I don’t want to talk to them or anyone and I tell them so.
One of my favorite views along the Metro-North line is of a marina. When I see the boats this time, and the houses with their views of the water, I have to look away. It makes me sick. I never want to see sand again.
I thought watching all these Nicholas Sparks movies would make me miss my boyfriend more than usual, but the sight of him disgusts me and I want to be alone. I feel poisoned and exhausted.
The next day I wake up feeling better. I want to smile and feel happy again. I’m glad I’m in love and I apologize to my boyfriend and call my dad. I think that maybe I will never need to watch another stupid romance movie again. A few days later I try to watch The Good Guy (not Sparks) and last 9 minutes. A week later I feel like I could watch The Longest Ride again if I had to, and a few days after that I almost want to. When I tell Luke he responds, “No.”
We watched nearly 21 hours of movies in a row, movies about true love and tragic loss and strength in the face of hardship and honestly I didn’t feel anything. Nicholas Sparks’s idea of love is SO romantic it goes all the way around to being downright unromantic. It’s sad and serious and boring and hard. There are no intimate moments, all those blue light sex scenes were so put on. Everyone was wearing their sexiest frown, which is probably why we all cheered when Zac Efron couldn’t get his foot out of his pant leg. The only one that gets closest to romance for me is The Longest Ride. The old people and young people are buddies, they have fun together throughout the movie and they talk about their problems and make compromises. I think it’s because in The Longest Ride they have interests apart from each other that are more integral to who they are as people than you usually see in a Sparks movie, and those differing interests and aspirations are what the characters like about each other. But even the romance in The Longest Ride comes with a dumb secret, and as my old babysitter used to say, “Secrets don’t make friends.”
Anyway, don’t ever do this to yourself.
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