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9 Things We Would Rather Do Than See Bryan Get Engaged To Rachel

There have been a few good apples on this season of The Bachelorette. There have also been an outrageous amount of boring, weird, douchey, or otherwise bad apples. Luckily, Rachel has weeded through the majority of these unworthy men. One, however, is still very much in the running: Bryan. On the surface, he might seem like a great suitor. Close to Rachel's age, has a successful job, arguably very handsome, steadfastly confidant. Here's the one secret that Bryan has been trying to hold back from Rachel the whole season though: he's a garbage person. He's phony and fake and a couple other synonyms for generally ungenuine. If Rachel were to choose him for her life partner, the world would cease to make sense. Here are 9 things that we would rather do than see that happen.

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1. Watch an hour-long comedy special by the Whaboom guy

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You remember him. How could you forget? He was strange, loud, almost always drunk, and overall a joke. Speaking of jokes, it turns out he is an aspiring comedian who's only shtick is screaming his famous catchphrase. Whaboom. Sounds horrible, right? Well, we would rather watch him perform that disaster of a comedy act than see Bryan get down on one knee.

2. Chaperone a middle school dance

Sweat, bad music, lots of newly formed hormones... it honestly sounds like a nightmare to have to be the designated "adult" at one of these things. But if the options were to chaperone the Middleberry Halloween Dance or to sit and watch Bryan get engaged to Rachel... well, early 2000's Usher and mystery fruit punch don't sound as bad.

3. Have a staring contest with Jack

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Look, Jack seemed like a perfectly nice guy. But those eyes... and that smile... they are serial killer status. The fact that he even got a one-on-one is still baffling to all of us. And yet, we would still rather sit down and have an intense staring contest with Jack than see Bryan get chosen by Rachel.

4. Go to an animal shelter and pet all of the dogs and then not adopt any of them

Getting to hang out with dogs is a gift. Adopting dogs in need is an even greater gift. Going to an animal shelter and giving sad dogs false hope that you are going to adopt them is so painful. Just look at their faces as you leave. The happiness just drains out of them... that is a punishment far worse than death. Even so, ruining a couple dogs' days is not as bad as sitting through the horror show of the After The Final Rose ceremony with Bryan and Rachel.

5. Have a first date in a weird balloon room with a creepy clown

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Poor Jubilee. She never stood a chance when the producers gave her that creepy date on Bachelor in Paradise. It was truly terrifying. Not as terrifying as Bryan and Rachel getting engaged, though.

6. Take a cold shower while drinking a warm glass of orange juice

Come on. This just sounds bad. Cold showers are bad enough, but add in the warm glass of OJ? Forget it. Showers are glorious things but this just might ruin them forever. But, if Bryan proposes to Rachel and she accepts, that would ruin television forever. So, we'll take the crap shower.

7. Rewatch the moment from Jojo's season where Derek cried a bunch after being sent home while a woman sang "Don't Cry For Me Argentina" in the background

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This one of the hardest things to watch in the history of television. The editors really went to town on this sequence. The dramatic fade in and out of the woman singing... the crying... it was a lot to take in. It went on for way too long, too. It seemed like hours. But, we would still rather watch this scene again than have Bryan watch Rachel walk down the aisle.

8. Eat a bunch of messy chicken wings while wearing a full white outfit and then realize there aren't any paper towels and be sitting there thinking like, do I just ruin these pants or do I just hold my hands up like a surgeon preparing for an operation for the next hour

This one is pretty self-explanatory.

9. See Peter get engaged to Rachel

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OK, this one is kind of cheating. Peter is the obvious best thing to ever grace The Bachelorette. We would rather see him get engaged to Rachel than do most things. Just give him his own show where he just smiles into the camera for an hour. We would watch that, easy. Peter! Peter! Peter!

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