Everything You Need To Know About Demisexuality

For one thing, it's not the same as having a low sex drive.

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Maybe you're already familiar with asexuality — but you might be less so with one of its subcategories: demisexuality.

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While asexuality is gaining more visibility in pop culture, there are still some misconceptions around it. And that's even *more* true with demisexuality.

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To help unpack this, we spoke to Antonia Hall, a psychologist and sex and relationships expert, who walked us through what demisexuality is and how it differs from asexuality.

Here's the lowdown: while people who identify as asexual generally don't feel sexual attraction, demisexuals only feel sexual attraction *after* they establish a strong emotional bond with someone.

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Demisexuals fall into the subcategory of "graysexuals", or people who are on the asexuality spectrum and still feel sexual attraction on some occasions.

"Because of that fluidity, demisexuals may engage in partnered sexual activity — but it's often out of a desire for intimacy, rather than sexual need or desire," says Hall. "Just like any spectrum, sexual desire can vary quite a bit for both demisexuals and asexuals."

You might be thinking: "But wait, I'm definitely more turned on when I know someone better. Am I a demisexual?" And the answer is: it depends!

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Ultimately, only you can know how you identify, but one thing to keep in mind is that demisexuals don't typically feel any sexual attraction until they get to really know someone.

"Demisexuality classically has a focus that does not include sexual desire," according to Hall. "Demisexuals often are not stimulated by sexual attraction as is commonly found in heteronormative society. For most demisexuals, an emotional bond must be present before sexual arousal takes place."

Like asexuals, demisexuals can face judgment and stigma because sex is not necessarily a big factor in their relationships.

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They can be told that their identity isn't valid, or that they've just never had great sex. It can be dismissed as a "phase" or simply something they'll grow out of.

And what can be especially frustrating is the assumption that it's abnormal to need to get to know someone before wanting to have sex.

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It makes demisexuals feel like no one will take the time to date and get to know them if sex isn't a guaranteed part of the deal. They can also be lumped together with those who are abstinent or celibate, which are both choices rather than identities, says Hall.

To sum up? When it comes to sexual identity and orientation, says Hall, the most supportive and inclusive thing you can do is to simply trust that people know what they want (or don’t want) in their own individual relationships.

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For more on asexuality and demisexuality, The Asexuality Visibility and Education Network is a great resource. 💜

Read more:

• Everything You Need to Know About Asexuality
• How I Discovered My Own Asexuality Without Knowing It
• 16 Things Asexuals Want You To Know About Asexuality