1. Plaxico Burress Shoots Himself In The Leg, Literally
Plax wore sweatpants to a club. Plax brought an illegal handgun to a club. Plax put said illegal handgun in the waistband of his sweats. One accidental gunshot wound to the thigh, and two seasons missed for a jail sentence later, Plax is finally back. He wins this title in a rout.
2. Gus Frerotte Headbutts A Wall, Sprains His Neck
I know things haven’t always been great for the Skins, but it’s a bad sign if your quarterback is so excited to score a touchdown that he doesn’t know how to express his happiness and just smashes his head against a wall. There’s “act like you’ve been there before,” and there’s “no seriously, have you ever been there before?”
3. Brian Anderson Puts A Hot Iron To His Face, Burns His Face
Thought experiment. You want to iron your clothes, but you’re not sure if the iron is hot. Do you:
A. Quickly touch the iron with a finger.
B. Rub the iron on the ironing board and feel the ironing board.
C. Put your hand near it to see if you feel heat radiating.
D. Put it against your face.
If you chose D, you’re an idiot and probably former Diamondbacks pitcher Brian Anderson.
4. Amar’e Stoudemire Punches Fire Extinguisher, Hurts Hand
Playing the Miami Heat this year must have been frustrating. When a team has that many weapons, it becomes almost impossible to stop. So no one can really blame Amar’e for being frustrated. What they can blame Amar’e for is taking that frustration and manifesting it by smacking a fire extinguisher’s case. It’s not like when people hurt themselves hitting a pad (see Irving, Kyrie or Frerotte, Gus). Because at least when you hit a pad, there’s an expectation that it’s soft. No one has ever thought that punching metal would be pain-free. And Amar’e is included in that “no one,” because he obviously wasn’t thinking here.
5. Bill Gramatica Celebrates, Tears His ACL
And people wonder why NFL players give kickers such a hard time about not being athletes.
6. Kyrie Irving Slaps Wall Pad, Breaks Hand
Kyrie was in the midst of a breakout summer. The NBA’s rookie of the year had made headlines by stealing the spotlight at Team USA practices and starring in one of the most likable athlete-driven commercials in a long time. So how does he celebrate? He smacks a wall pad and breaks his hand. He’s having surgery tomorrow.
7. Fabián Espíndola Celebrates, Hurts Ankle
Scoring a goal is pretty damn exciting. I would also assume that being able to do a backflip is exciting. So when given the chance in a game against the Los Angeles Galaxy, Fabián Espíndola obviously wanted to do both back-to-back. Two problems. One, he landed funny and hurt his ankle. Two, he had actually been called offsides so the goal didn’t count. Good look, Fabián!
8. Chris Hanson Uses Axe, Cuts His Foot
Former Jaguars coach and notable crazy person, Jack Del Rio used to keep a tree stump and an axe in the Jags’ locker room. Why? Well because Del Rio was a fan of tortured metaphors and wanted to remind the team to “keep chopping that wood.” Some players took the opportunity to give the more literal meaning of that metaphor a shot, which was probably a lot of fun until punter Chris Hanson brought the axe down on his foot. He was out for the rest of the season.
9. Moises Alou Falls Off Treadmill, Tears ACL
Moises Alou publicly humiliated a fan for doing what any fan would do when a ball was hit towards him. He helped turn Steve Bartman into a recluse and a pariah in the man’s own hometown. Therefore I think it is important that we all remember that Moises Alou once fell off a treadmill and tore his ACL. If you see him, make sure you laugh in his face about it. Jerk.
10. Sammy Sosa Sneezes, Gets Back Spasms
Sammy’s (ALLEGED) steroid use didn’t just make his arms strong. Jesus.
11. Hunter Pence Runs Through Sliding Glass Door, Gets Lacerations On His Hands And Knees
The then-Houston outfielder was hanging out in a hot tub when he realized he had to go to the bathroom. What happened next is up for some debate. The MLB.com report claims that he then “walked into the door, which shattered around him.” But I’m going to go out on a limb and say that he probably wasn’t walking. Either that or he’s a super hero, and has been wasting his abilities playing baseball. One or the other.