1. Former baseball player, steroid aficionado, and Twitter crazy person Jose Canseco shared his new year’s resolutions with the world.
“Okay. This one’s pretty good. Normal even. Maybe this won’t be as fun as I thought it would be.”
“Damn. This one’s normal too. How are they not crazy? Maybe I won’t even post these.”
“Okay. this is a little better. Definitely worded in an insane way, but maybe that’s just crazy talk for: ‘Do more charity.’”
“Thank god. Here we go. Only José can possibly think this could still happen. Tim Donaghy will be Commissioner of the NBA before José is back in Major League Baseball.”
“This one better actually happen.”
“Remember when I was worried these wouldn’t deliver? Now we have José saying #5 twice and creating an anti-aging miracle drink named after the steroided slugger and Ponce de León. Amazing.”
“I… have no words. It’s just so… so… beautiful.”
“President of the World, please make José go on Shark Tank this year. Please?”
“It’s a sad fact about the entertainment industry that this one isn’t impossible.”
“Animal Rights and Beer Companies. The two most worthy causes.”
“A. L. I. S. T. I love you José!”
“2013 is going to be our haters!!”
- Parents of the suspected Washington mall gunman who killed five people said he "had mental issues."