1. This is Drew Gooden. He plays basketball for the Milwaukee Bucks.
2. He’s had some weird styles over the years. This one was called “The Ducktail.”
3. This one didn’t have a name, but I call it “The Terminally Ill Octopus.”
4. But today, Gooden’s Bucks teammate Marquis Daniels tweeted what may be the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen.
WHAT IS HAPPENING TO DREW GOODEN’S HAIR? Is that mold growing on his head? Is he getting hair plugs based on a recommendation from Tobias Fünke? Are nano-bots crawling over his scalp?
My best guess? I think Drew has an alien growing inside his head that is fighting to get out. This would explain his schizophrenic Basketball IQ, and total lack of understanding when it comes to normal hair styles. It would also explain his draft night suit, which is among the worst assemblages of fabric the earth has ever known.
But that’s just my theory. I want— nay demand real answers.
- The Army Corps of Engineers and North Dakota police have ordered protesters to leave the Dakota Access Pipeline site by this afternoon or face arrest.
- Seven Earth-sized planets that could have water and possibly sustain life have been discovered orbiting a dwarf star, NASA announced today.
- The ACLU is suing the city of Milwaukee and its police for allegedly performing thousands of illegal stop-and-frisk searches that targeted minorities.
- #Peggygate: West Elm offers full refunds for the notoriously disintegrating Peggy Couch days after pulling it from its website and stores👏