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    Posted on Feb 19, 2018

    The Hypochondriac’s Guide To Dying: 7 Everyday Things That Probably Won’t Kill You

    Because a hobbyist hypochondriac doesn’t worry enough, here are some things you can try to avoid, but not really avoid because they’re mostly unavoidable. Good luck with the not dying thing though; you’re killing it so far.

    1. Canning

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    We all know a granny or a granny-like hipster with the delightful hobby of canning, but in spite of the fact that humans have been successfully and safely canning for hundreds of years, the practice of canning actually carries a small chance of tainting the contents with botulism. A potential first symptom of botulism? DEATH. Are those precious pickles worth it?

    2. Cats

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    Giving your hairy cat baby his daily belly rub may seem like a satisfying and adorable way to dodge your existential dread, but when he inevitably bites the crap out of your hand, you may feel less charitable knowing that cat bites are particularly dangerous. Due to the way cat teeth puncture skin like a needle, bacteria is pushed deep inside while the surface skin heals, trapping potentially deadly infection inside. Thanks for the blood poisoning, Commander Cuddles.

    3. Neti Pots

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    How do you feel about brain-eating amoebas? If the answer is good, then you may want to try using tap water in your netipot next time you have a cold. As tap water is not sterile it can host all sorts of nasties, and using a netipot to clear your sinuses gives them a free pass to your brain. Turns out having your brain eaten will kill you. Unexpected.

    4. Pimples


    Few of us can resist the pull of giving a pimple a good squeeze, but next time you do, you may want to avoid crossing into the Danger Triangle of your face. That’s right, popping and picking around your nose and mouth can result in infections going to your brain, and in rare cases that can straight up make you dead.

    5. Cleaning


    Sometimes people have the urge to clean both a window and the toilet, if this sounds like you, be cautious! Mixing ammonia, which is found in many window cleaners and bleach, which is in many surface cleaners, creates chloramine vapors, which could either irritate your eyes or murder you; best to be safe and not create a toxic fume that was used as a weapon in the second world war.

    6. Seafood

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    Seafood is delicious, this much is certain, and digging shellfish out of the beach is a fun way to avoid dropping coin on a luxury. However, if being alive is something you also dig, make sure you read your local signage and advisories on the safety of that ground bounty. Certain algae blooms can render shellfish toxic and fatal to the humans eating them, and that will surely put a damper on your bouillabaisse.

    7. Excercise

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    Have you ever worked out so hard that your muscle tissue died, got into your bloodstream and caused kidney failure? This is just one of the causes of rhabdomyolysis. I don’t really have any advice on this one, but you can use it as an excuse to avoid exercise if you want: “Nah dude, count me out of the gym today, don’t wanna get rhabdo”.

    This article is not meant to provide actual health advice or information. If you have any concerns, you should contact your doctor. You probably have an appointment tomorrow anyway. You are a hypochondriac after all.

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