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Normal & Mainstream Things Some Of Us Weirdos Just Don't Get

We don't mind normality, but please keep it to yourself.

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1. Diets. Comparing diets. Going on diets. It took me years to accumulate bosoms and a visible butt with a bit of flab. And the world wants to put me on a guilt trip for curves by trying to mould me into a charity poster.

2. Primetime television - i.e. 'reality' TV and soaps. If I needed to get away from the real world I'll do that with Frodo, Afro Samurai and Daredevil, not Michelle Mid life Crisis and Colin Can't Stay in the Jungle

3. 'Spoiling your cred.' The workplace in particular is a playground. You pick nerdy/quiet/older/less fashion conscious/ individualistic friends, you lose respect because you're just as uncool as them. May as well just leave used bubblegum under the table and bunk off the rest of the day with a forged note with your mum/dads signature.

4. Intense gossip to gain trusted networks. Look everyone has problems. Not everyone can live up to each other's expectations. But I'll be darned if I'm staying away from bitch flavour of the month just because they cried over a dead sparrow making them gain the label of 'flaky hippy'.

5. Designer gear. No it doesn't last that long because it has more numbers on its price tag. Yes you can get better quality by spending less. Yes, even in the pound shop.

6. Suntans and skin whiteners. I'm mid tone skin. Yes, Good for Me. But don't expect me to empathise if you end up resembling uncooked chicken or overcooked tomatoes just because you weren't comfortable with your own skin. Melanin and freckles are at their sexiest on those who have them for real.

7. Long nails. Yes they're pretty and fun. They also accumulate lots of nasty mucky yuck if you're not scraping them clean every three seconds. Is that why opaque nail polish is used to hide them? Still they're great for picking the nose.

8. Hair straighteners/tongs. Yes, you too can have fabulous hair with a bit of cooking the keratin. Mmm the smell of burning chemicals and hair, sexay!

9. People with no toilet manners. Seriously, no one wants to admire your bodily fluids - toilet seat or bottom of the bowl. Please don't forget to whirlpool your shitwreck and ammonia.

10. OTT wedding preparations. You do realise the money for that massive party could've been put to use for a mortgage, right? Or your kids college fees? 'Mum, dad why are we in debt?' Because the big shiny rock on mums finger was more valuable than your education.

11. Hair extensions. Seriously? You are wearing the hair of someone else or a horse's tail. Close to your scalp. You're sleeping, showering and running your fingers through the DNA of someone else. It's second hand hair. That's like wearing fur knickers recycled off a taxidermist's project.

12. Fake pockets. Giving hope to the practical folk only to pee in their face.

13. Girls having to wait to be chatted up by fellas. Seriously, you girls call this the first world where you can't even buy male totty a drink without an unnecessary fear of looking like you're easy? That's just Weird.

14. Sticking only to your own 'kind'. Or the expectation of it. I've had sales pitches given with a fellow Asian woman's pic shoved in my face. Yes I am so enticed to join your mailing list/commune/social group/marriage proposal because we may share a background that will remind me of the good ole post womb days. Never mind other communities can be just as fabulous, I will stick to non relatives who look and act like my relatives due to safety in numbers from a world of social paranoia. Or something like that.

15. Alcohol in everything. I mean everything. Brandy vindaloo. Champagne biscuits. Vodka cheese. Whisky broccoli. Prosecco tap water. Not everyone likes taste of the ear burner y'know.

16. Holes in tights. They should make them illegal like holes in condoms.

17. Radio stations playing the same things again. And again. And again. Are they trying to hypnotise us by playing the same five tracks back to back the entire day? Is there a hypnotism agenda? Is that why there are desperate romantics camping outside someone else's lawn because they look like an ex and will never give up on them?

18. Chick flicks. Sitting through two hours of the Kardashians with different forms of plastic surgery. All with a playing hard to get romantic plot due to stereotypical female incompetence and rich man versus poor fella all sharing their IQ from the same goldfish bowl.

19. Multitasking. Allegedly the most effective and time efficient way to get things done. Especially when you're typing the contents of your shopping list onto your kid's homework while watching tv and exercising on the treadmill at the wrong speed and using your epilator to change the channel - all at the same time.

20. Early Bird Catches the Worm People. As in those who trill into existence at four in the morning from a ten hour sleep. They'll be in the office munching on weetabix doing seven am chit chat while reading the Daily Mail and tutt tutting at the work ethic of the latecomers trailing in. They're also usually the first to leave the office. Thankfully.

21. 'Speak English' whingers. Speak English and none other to make the rest of the world linguistically restricted like you. Admit it, your accent just doesn't go well with a language belonging to others more versatile in their vocabulary. But why not hide that with xenophobic hostility instead. So normal

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