Can You Survive A House That's Haunted... By Climate Change?

Face down your most rational worst fears.

ENTER... if you dare!

Halloween is right around the corner, and, tbh, there's some super scary stuff going on this year. Bomb threats, white nationalism, embattled midterm elections, and a new IPCC report that predicts climate catastrophe by 2040 if we don't get our act together and transition to renewable energy ASAP.

Spooky Spooky Florida

NOAA / Via skift.com

According to scientists, Florida is the U.S. state most vulnerable to climate change. This has to do with the state's ample coastline and the resulting flood risk. The kind of flooding predicted by the end of this century will destroy homes, devastate Florida's economy, and endanger millions of lives. This year alone, Florida has had to deal with Red Tide and Hurricane Michael, disasters made way more severe by worsening climate change. Ironically, Florida Governor Rick Scott has repeatedly denied the existence of human-caused climate change, and throughout his political career has been in cahoots with the fossil fuel industry. Now he's running to represent Florida in the U.S. Senate.

Steve Cannon / AP / Via wlrn.org

This is Florida Gov. Rick Scott.

Ready to feel scared?

Enough chit chat! It's time for some goosebumps. Buckle up and get ready to navigate your way through Florida Governor Rick Scott's House of Climate Horrors... that is, IF YOU DARE.

Now You See It (Climate Change), Now You Don’t

Best Animations / Via bestanimations.com

It’s the entry hall of the House of Horrors. Rick Scott is sitting in front of a crystal ball. He beckons you to come sit down in the chair opposite him. You paid good money for your ticket, and you want to get the full experience, so you do.

“Gaze into my crystal ball,” Rick Scott says to you in a kind of airy voice, “And tell me exactly what you see.” You’ve never been a believer in this sort of thing, but you’re willing to give it a shot. You peer into the orb and let your eyes adjust to the reflections in the quartz. Almost immediately, visions begin jumping out at you -- rapidly increasing global temperatures, ocean acidification, and inland flooding due to rising sea levels. This looks dangerous and expensive. “Climate change!” you tell Rick Scott. “I see climate change! I see global warming!”

“How very interesting,” Rick Scott says to you. “Why don’t you write it down using this quill and parchment?” He pushes the quill and parchment towards you. You’ve never used a quill before, but it’s always looked like fun. You write down “climate change” and “global warming.” No sooner have you done this than Rick Scott glides his hand over the sheet of paper. Magically, inexplicably, the letters lift off the page, disappearing into his hand. “What did you just do?” you ask. You have a bad feeling about this.

“Why, I’ve used my sorcery to eliminate those terms from the Florida government’s lexicon!” he says gleefully. “They’re inconvenient to me, so I’m going to put millions of my own constituents at risk by ignoring them altogether! Why don’t you try saying those words again?” You try, but no sound leaves your lips. He’s worked his dark magic. He wraps a cloak around himself and disappears.

That was pretty freaky. You really hope that Rick Scott banning the terms “climate change” and “global warming” from government communications and reports doesn’t end up having repercussions down the road.

Encounters with the Toxic Swamp Monster

Giphy / Via giphy.com

You’re moving down an ominous hallway. Slimy, icky liquid is covering the carpet. Looking down, you see you’re wading through toxic sludge. You can feel it ooze into your shoes and socks. You sure did not dress for this! What kind of haunted house is this? You’re sinking into a veritable stew of agricultural waste, industrial runoff, and carcinogenic material. True, you’re into full-body exfoliation, but this is all a bit much.

SUDDENLY, from the depths of the radioactive mud, something grabs your foot. You scream out and try to wrestle your ankle out of its slimy hand, but the monster’s grip is like iron! You can feel its scales pressing up against you. All this unregulated dumping has resulted in a toxic sludge monster, who is now attacking you. If only Rick Scott had thought a little harder about environmental safeguards and hadn’t just acted to make corporate polluters happy! Then there wouldn’t be a disgusting swamp monster climbing up your leg.

Smoke, Mirrors, and Dirty Power Plants

Gifer / Via gifer.com

You move into the room at the end of the hall and the door closes behind you. It is pitch black. Suddenly, a single bulb flickers on, and you look out into the expanse of the third room. Hmmm, what are you looking at… is that Rick Scott’s face, multiplied by a thousand? Ah, you must be in a hall of mirrors. And… wait, what is he doing… is he making a dirty deal with the owners of the Dania Power Plant, whose affiliates he has half a million dollars of his own money invested in and whose interests he’s now trying to protect instead of the health and well-being of Florida’s communities?

You peer closer, but wisps of smoke begin rising from the ground, obstructing your view. You get a creepy feeling, a shiver down your spine. Whatever’s going on, someone doesn’t want you to see it. You think you spot a handshake, Rick Scott giving the go-ahead for the fossil fuel industry to pump its dirty fuels into the atmosphere and into Florida’s communities, but your view is blocked by increasing amounts of mist. Where are these fog machines, anyhow?

Now it is so smokey you cannot make out a thing. You can’t help but inhale, and as you do, you realize that this is no dry ice machine, but the thick pollution excreted from the smokestacks of dirty power plants. You cough. It is burning your eyes and throat! An asthma attack is coming on for sure! This is torture! You thought this House of Horrors was going to be a fun, goofy trip! How wrong you were!

Red Tide + Green Slime

Giphy / Via giphy.com

You haven’t walked three steps into the next room when Rick Scott hits you with the contents of his slime blaster. Red goo and neon green slime cover you, head to toe. What is this stuff? Rick Scott won’t answer this question. He just shouts “Zero accountability!” and skitters away, taking the slime blaster with him.

For your information, what you’re now doused in is a horrendously smelly mixture of algae blooms, which have been shutting down Florida beaches for weeks now. These algae multiply when an influx of waste hits the ocean due to unregulated agricultural, industrial, and residential runoff. It suffocates the surrounding ecosystem, killing off fish (hence the term “deadzone”) and obviously hindering the livelihoods of fishermen. In fact, mingled with the smell of the algae is… could that be dead fish? Yuck! You reach up to your head and pull a stinky dead fish carcass out of your hair.

Not only is this stuff totally gross and really bad for the coastline’s ecology, it is also a huge hazard to human health. The fumes from red tide cause coughing, sneezing, and teary eyes. BUT coming into contact with the tide itself can cause far more permanent damage. Many of the algae release neurotoxins, which can cause severe brain damage and even death.

Sucking Florida's Lifeblood with Cuts to Environmental Protections

O Creative Studio / Via abcdefghijklmn-pqrstuvwxyz.com

Walking into this next room, you feel transported to the Everglades, that vital coastal ecosystem that acts as a natural filtration system for the state of Florida. Coming out of the reeds is an alligator. This thing is truly a behemoth, but for some reason, you don’t feel afraid of it. You feel appreciative of its beauty and the biological role it plays.

But Rick Scott is at it again! He swoops into view and tackles the alligator to the ground. A pair of fangs erupt from his mouth, and before you know what’s going on, he’s thrust his teeth into its dry, rocky skin and is sucking its blood. That’s… pretty gross, and honestly seems really unnecessary.

But then it hits you. This alligator represents the whole of Florida and everything that makes the state special -- its communities, its waterways, its varied ecosystem, gorgeous beaches, and thriving tourism industry. And Rick Scott has spent his term as governor sucking the lifeblood from all these things by cutting money meant to enforce the safeguards and services that protect them. These cuts leave Florida’s communities and economy totally vulnerable to climate change and pollution -- and Florida ALREADY has so much to lose due to climate change.

Poor alligator. You hope they at least tranquilized it before putting it in this House of Horrors. Governor Scott is really freaking you out now with all the bloodsucking...

Hurricane Michael and Climate Change Denial

Rebloggy / Via rebloggy.com

You’ve been in this room only a few seconds when water starts flooding in. The sea levels are rising. The humid air is gusting, the wind force reaching new extremes. The building hurricane picks up a sailfish and hurls it at you. Its silver tail slaps you in the face. You’re screaming for assistance, for a hand, a branch, ANYTHING, but all that Florida Governor Rick Scott does is cackle at you maniacally. “What climate change? THERE IS NO CLIMATE CHANGE!” he bellows, ignoring your cries for help.

Just as you become sure the vortex is going to pull you under, the wind abates and the flooding starts to recede. Soon, the water is gone, but you’re left standing in the wreckage. The aftermath of Hurricane Michael is just as horrifying as the hurricane itself. The storm has devastated the Florida panhandle, leaving behind untold personal and economic damage. How long will it take to rebuild, for people to gain back the parts of their lives they’ve lost? Will it ever be possible?

“What a mess,” Rick Scott says, staring down at the mountains of debris. “It’d be a real shame if these storms were to begin happening more frequently and with more severity. But what role could I possibly play in preventing these things?” He shrugs and leaves, stepping on the remains of some houses on his way out.

A Zombie to Fossil Fuel Interests

Giphy / Via giphy.com

In this room, you meet Rick Scott in his final form. As the lights dim, a pallor comes over his face, and he begins writhing, his arms outstretched. That’s when you see it: this man has become a zombie. He’s not in control of his own brain at all! It’s been inundated by fossil fuel interests, thanks to the millions of dollars that the industry has given him during his political career and the more recent gusher of funds they’ve contributed to his campaign for Senate.

There’s not very much time to think. He’s coming towards you, his eyes rolling back in his head. Who knows what he’ll do when he reaches you? Probably contaminate your drinking water and rip the solar panels right off your roof! You can’t let that future unfold. Frantically, you search the room for some weapon, some solution, some way to thwart Zombie Scott and his dirty fuel agenda… Until…

Your eyes land on it. There it is, hidden in a corner for maximum privacy: a voting booth. You step towards it, but it only seems to make Zombie Scott more furious. You know you have to act now if you want any climate progress. But wait, how will this work? There’s a ballot out but no writing utensil in sight.

But wait, a plot twist! The alligator leaps from the shadows. You’re frightened to have it so close, but then… it offers you a silver ballpoint pen from between its massive alligator teeth! Elated, you take the pen. Scott knows his destruction is near. He lunges towards you…