1. Tonight is the night that it all goes perfectly.
2. I'm talkin' noise machine. I'm talkin blackout blinds. Everything anyone would need to 100% fall asleep.
3. This will go smoothly, maybe.
4. I am in total control. I think.
5. We'll just start over tomorrow.
6. What is sleep again?
7. I'm an adult being owned by a 7-month-old.
8. Honestly, who's in control of whom in this situation?
9. This kid is out to get me.
10. If he falls asleep now I'll get five hours and 55 minutes of sleep.
11. If he falls asleep now I'll get five hours of sleep.
12. If he falls asleep now— why are you doing this to yourself, you hate math.
13. Please, fall asleep so I can go have sex.
14. HA! WHO AM I KIDDING, I don't have the energy for that — SLEEP is all I need.
16. Do zombies establish a routine with their babies?
17. We're all tired, right? It's not just me?
18. As long as everyone in the house isn't sleeping, I'm OK.
19. How is anyone sleeping through this...? HELLO, person next to me! It's your turn.
20. This sleep monitor is working, right? I don't hear anything. Wait...never mind.
21. Oh, Susan's kid sleeps through the night? I do not, nor will I ever, believe her.
22. My child is plotting against me.
23. How tired is too tired?
24. I will not get upset. I will not get upset.
25. 2:30 a.m. is definitely the perfect time to be wide awake playing with a stuffed pterodactyl — I wouldn't dream of doing anything else at this insanely late hour than playing with this pterodactyl with you.
26. I might as well try to get to the next level of my fave game while I'm up.
27. Go to sleep, go to sleep, go to sleep, sleep, sleep, you don't understand how tired I am, please, please, please go to sleep, sleep, sleep.
28. They're asleep, umm, I'll play one more level and then I'LL go to sleep.
29. If your snoring wakes that baby, you WILL be the one getting up out of this bed.
30. Am I doing this whole parenting thing wrong?
31. Are all pillows this comfortable?
32. OK, I think I can actually relax.
33. Is it morning?! Did they sleep through the ENTIRE night? AHH! What's wrong?
34. Aw, they're so precious when they're actually sleeping — OMG...they're still sleeping!
35. I'm a rock star. I'm a freaking rock star!
36. Why yes, world, my baby DOES sleep through the night, thank you very much!