16 Tips On Looking Like A Pro Chef That Don't Involve Cooking At All

You're having guests over and you have a simple recipe ready. It most likely is from the Food Network. You want to float like a Barefoot Contessa and sting like a Guy (Fieri).

1. Turn on the overhead stove light - you need to see if the water starts boiling at the right temperature.

Your stove is a stage. Have your ingredients out in little bowls on your counters. Add some color to everything you make: something green and something red. Nothing blue - that's just unnatural. Related reminder: you're an MF if you drink AMFs.

2. If there is a comment on your empty fridge, have a one-sided conversation on the beautiful simplicity of cooking.

Integrity. Simplicity. Essence. Repeat everything your yoga teacher has ever told you.

3. Have a timer going - when it goes off, tell your guest to hold as you set a timer to set the timer again.

Keep your company in the dark. They don't know how to cook. If they do know how to cook, forget about this entire list, dude. Don't try to impress them, be your genuine self, and ask them how to level up your cooking.

4. Have a towel in hand, hanging from your pant pocket, through a belt/belt loop, or tucked in your waist. You achieve Iron Chef level with all four.

Incorporate some militaristic or combat uniform elements when you cook. Maybe rock a headband. When accessorizing, look more like a ninja and skip the chef hat and "Statue of David" or "Venice Beach Babe" chef apron.

5. Even if you’re not chopping anything, pull out a big knife and set it on the counter. The kitchen is a dangerous place.

Threats are an aphrodisiac. The kitchen is where more magic happens. But really - cooking is art, baking is chemistry, and making cocktails is alchemy.

6. Every once in a while, wipe your forehead dry. Not with your hands, with your forearm or bicep.

Every bodily surface is fair game. Keep it above the waist though. We talked about "magic" in the kitchen, but please keep the magic out of the food.

7. If asked what the knife is for, say it might come in handy. This is for the drama.

Mystery is sexy. Just like in "The 40 Year Old Virgin," answer all questions with more questions.

8. D.R.A.M.A.A.A.A!

You know: a sprinkles of salt off your forearm, ingredients thrown into flaming fires, and loud noises.

9. Smell it. Whatever it is your cooking, smell it. Close your eyes. Give a little moan.

Use

10. Talk to it. Whatever it is your cooking, talk to it. Ask the food when it will be ready.

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11. Taste it. Close your eyes. Give another little moan.

Senses.

12. When the food is ready, give a big moan - eyes wide open.

AH, RELIEF. The hard part is finished. Even if it's not very good, YOU have good taste and THEY have bad taste. If they call you out, rethink your friendship because they honestly have bad manners.

13. Add wine. By that we mean: drink wine.

Mention where you got it, but give it a step up: your boss, not a co-worker; a dear friend, not just a friend; the wine shop, not the bodega; Safeway? Whole Foods!

14. As you plate your creation, quiver your hand.

Make sure it's a balance between a geriatric tremor and loose wrist. Assume the spirit of a middle-aged gay man. They probably are great cooks on average.

15. Tell your guest to set the table and put away the knife you never used.

They'll be so distracted in your cooking personality and loud noises, they won't notice. Now they're in your position, worrying about what side to place the utensils & fold the napkins. It helps to have dinner guests with OCD or anxiety, but in that case: don't bring out that knife.

16. NO EXCUSES!

As Julia Child said, from what I remember from the movie "Julie & Julia," (since I never read or watched Julia Child herself) "No excuses!" It's not burnt, it's charred. It's not bland, it's wholesome. It's not spicy, it's exotic. But you know, blame it on the timer if it's raw.