1. You are more successful than the kids who used to bully you.
Finally the AV Club advisor’s words of wisdom from Freaks and Geeks come to fruition. Yes, I will have fries with that, Biff.
2. …And you probably dress less like an idiot than you did in high school.
Which means everyone will think you’re wildly successful, even if you still live on frozen dumplings and cup o’ noodles.
3. No rules AND unlimited free snacks.
Chances are, you’re either staying with your parents or a friend. And in both cases, there are no rules about watching eight hours of TV, or coming home at 7AM. And free snacks. For when you come home at 7AM.
6. Free food and booze from family and friends.
Why are you even back in your hometown? It’s probably a holiday, or a wedding, or you’re a guest, and in all of those cases, you’re getting a giant meal prepared for you… especially if you’re Italian. And it’s probably open bar, too. Try to keep your pants on long enough for the cannoli.
8. You can mess with little kids.
Kids are so gullible. You can tell them anything, you never have to see them again anyway. Trick some kids into thinking crazy things. It will be hilarious in 10 years when they still think you can control them with your mind.
10. Crashing high school parties.
You keep getting older, but the high school girls stay the same age, right? Drive around until you hear some Katy Perry, and waltz in with a six pack of Bud. The only problem is explaining why you are forty.
11. You always know how to get everywhere.
Which is good news if you’re rocking Apple Maps.
14. You get to leave.
After all is said and done, you get to leave. Congrats. You made it. Get a freaky breakfast sandwich for the road.