Being A Writer On Screen Vs. Being A Writer In Reality

Oh don't mind me, I'm just sitting here, typing away in my one-bedroom Upper East Side apartment, smoking cigs and wearing Louboutins.

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On deadline in reality:

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The more carbs you eat, the faster you write. It's just science.

Late-night writing on TV:

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Ah, another night as a writer in the big city. Just sitting here in my haute couture shawl that matches the periwinkle walls of my rent-controlled apartment, typing truths upon this Macintosh computer.

Late-night writing in reality:

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Except, minus the fruit bowl. Dude, where'd you get that fruit bowl?

A writer's weekend in reality:

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Brain, turn off. Turn off, brain.

Writer's block in reality:

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Maybe my next plot twist is at the bottom of this box of Cheez-Its.

Writing after a break-up in the movies:

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The greatest thing you'll ever learn... is just to love and be loved in return... tap tap tap typewriter tuberculosis tap tap tap POETRY.

Writing after a break-up in reality:

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Death. Everybody died. The end. I want ice cream.

Writer's apartment in reality:

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It's not a MESS, it's a part of my PROCESS.

Beginning a new chapter in reality:

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If I watch enough videos of monkeys riding the backs of pigs, the Muses will come to me.

Pitching ideas in reality:

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Puppies are trending. Let's do something with puppies.

Writer's attire in reality:

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Pajamas. A lot of pajamas.

Your relationship with your agent in reality:

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What agent.

The determined writer in reality:

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More puppies!

Writer's paycheck in reality:

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HONEY, I'VE MADE IT BIG AS A WRITER, WE CAN AFFORD TAKE-OUT TONIGHT!