1. Doug Funnie, age 33
After Patti married Roger in 2011, Doug’s self-esteem was so low that he started going exclusively by “Quailman” and moved into his Thicket of Solitude, which was actually just a neighbor’s overgrown garden. Seven trespassing arrests later, Quailman currently lives in his parents’ attic with some domestic quails, all of which are named “Patti Mayonnaise.”
2. Cat, age 41
3. Arnold, age 26
Arnold spent the rest of his middle and high school years saving every penny for facial reconstruction surgery, which backfired and turned his football head into a boomerang head. Everyone laughed. Fed up with his peers, Arnold abandoned his pushover ways and became everything he once despised. He now works on Wall Street and frequently cheats on his doting wife with Helga Pataki.
4. Rocko, age 42
Nothing has changed.
5. Eliza Thornberry, age 30
Upon realizing her “magic” animal-talking ability was probably just a delusion, Eliza went a bit nuts and abandoned Darwin, her pet monkey, at a Toronto Ikea. She has spent the five months roaming the halls of a psychiatric hospital whilst maniacally mumbling this monologue over and over.
6. Chuckie Finster, age 23
Chuckie developed an extreme addiction to his anxiety medication, which seemed to be the only way he could cope with the existence of an oh-so-scary Reptar in this cruel, cruel world. He is currently in rehab.
7. Stimpy, age 24
Ren framed Stimpy for manslaughter. He is now rotting away in prison.
- Immigrants are worried two government memos are laying the groundwork for the deportation force Trump promised on the campaign trail.
- A US federal judge ruled that Texas can't cut Planned Parenthood out of its Medicaid program.
- The UK Supreme Court ruled that it's legal for the government to keep couples apart because of their income.
- Yalla! You can now download a new Arab emoji keyboard that includes a belly dancer, Oman Chips, and more 👏