1. A bride will describe their ideal dress as “sexy, but elegant, and traditional yet quirky, with some bling that says ‘flashy but understated’”.
2. Someone else will have a very specific vision of a dress they saw in a magazine on the 14th October two years ago and they would like a copy of that dress, but not that exact dress.
3. Every dress like the one in the magazine will be criticised for the ruffles being too ruffled, or the lace being too lacy.
4. The staff will call in reinforcements, in the form of Randy.
5. Randy will pull out the big guns, and bring out a Pnina Tornai dress.
6. There’ll be a huge bridal party consisting of a bride’s mum, dad, sister, sister in law, father in law, best friend, and best friend’s sister’s boyfriend’s aunt from out of town, and they’ll all have very strong feelings about what dress is right.
7. Someone will really, really want a fishtail gown and realise only after trying on fifteen fishtail gowns that actually, they don’t like them at all.
8. Someone will be having a beach wedding and want a ~floaty~ dress.
9. A bride’s dad who is paying towards the dress will come along and mumble things like “I think it’s too revealing” when a dress shows any shoulder.
10. The bride will have to try on several bridal variations of a potato sack to which the dad, and sometimes mum, will say it’s “lovely and traditional”.
11. A client will describe their fiancé as their best friend.
12. Pnina Tornai will randomly make an appearance as one of the brides is trying on her gowns and everyone will be shocked, even though this far into the series you’d be kind of offended if Pnina didn’t show up for your special moment.
13. A bride will try on a dress out of their budget “just for fun” and fall in love with it.
14. Someone savage will suggest making room for the dress in the budget by cutting down the guest list.
15. There will be one person who has previously tried 48 wedding dresses prior to coming to Kleinfeld and has yet to find The One.
16. Their wedding will be in two weeks.
17. And they will have a budget of $3000, at which point you’ll leave the room for a little stroll to relieve the secondhand stress.
18. A couple will say that they want something unique and unusual for the dress.
19. The bride will get a strapless gown with a beaded bodice and a puffy skirt.
20. A bride will have a best friend/mum/sibling who is BRUTALLY honest to the point of being mean, and they’ll do a bit to camera where they say things like “Ashley and I haven’t always seen eye-to-eye but I know what’s best for her!”
21. The bride will politely describe them as “outspoken” which will be a big understatement.
22. The aforementioned BFF/mum/sibling will run around the shop picking dresses she thinks will look so much better that cost at least double the budget.
23. The bride will hate those dresses.
24. A Kleinfield’s consultant will say in their bit to camera, “If she doesn’t speak up for what she wants, Ashley’s wedding dress dream is going to be a wedding dress nightmare.”
25. The bride will wear the dress they've fallen in love with, and the BFF/mum/sibling will say “I don’t know it’s just...not what I imagined you in”, devastating the bride.
26. You’ll get the urge to scream “SCREW WHAT YOUR MUM THINKS ASHLEY, YOU LOOK LIKE A PRINCESS.”
27. In an attempt to salvage the moment, the consultant will suggest “jacking up” the bride, which means putting a veil on her and maybe a sparkly belt.
28. The BFF/mum/sibling will gasp. “It’s….it’s beautiful” they’ll say, while the bride wears the same dress but now has a veil on.
29. The bride and her family will cry tears of happiness.
30. Then you will cry because she is about to say yes to this dress and from everything you’ve gleaned about Ashley, and you know her pretty well by now, she deserves this.
31. And of course, as the wedding montage brings the episode to an end, they’ll play the same “when you came down from heaven” song. Every. Single. Time.