1.
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba
2.
Me: Netflix & chill? Her: sure [later that night] Her: so you don't have Netflix? Me [pulling out 20 condoms]: I don't have chill either
3.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket} "Can I buy one even if I've done sex?" Um. Yes sir "Cause I have" Okay "I've done all of it" Please go
4.
"yes I'm very good in bed" *folds blanket and neatly props up pillow* *pillow falls over* "Oh no, this doesn't normally happen I swear"
5.
[sex] HER: talk confusedly to me ME: what HER: oh fuck yeah
6.
Sex is like pizza, if you're going to use bbq sauce you better know what the fuck you're doing
7.
sex is cool but have u ever had garlic bread
8.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex] Her: faster! faster! Me: oh god no
9.
*in the middle of sex "Go deeper" Okay *pulls out* *sits in a chair and sips coffee* *opens poetry book* Two roads diverged in a wood and I-
10.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that's embarrassing
11.
Just once I'd like to see a movie sex scene be accurate. You know, him having a hard time getting her off then giving up.
12.
My favorite sex position? Boy there's so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I'd have to pick, um, reverse...shortstop? I gotta go
13.
Every text conversation feels like bad sex where one person doesn't get to finish
14.
What idiot called it "leaving right after sex" and not "nuts and bolts"?
15.
*during sex* just close your eyes and imagine the way I look on Instagram
16.
Cake is better than sex because I can remember the last time I had cake.
17.
*has sex with you* *declines your FB friend request*
18.
girl your body is a temple. but it’s the water temple from Zelda so once I’m in there I have no idea what to do
19.
son, ur 2 now - old enuff for the talk. see, sex is a lot like a ocean - im drownin in it. lol now put ur hand up this is called a high five
20.
[after having sex for first time] HER: was that not the best thing ever? ME: *remembering when my car hit 42069 miles* its up there for sure
21.
[high school sex ed class] *scoffs* When are we ever going to use this in real life
22.
Welcome to Sexual Innuendo Club. Thank you all for coming.
23.
Sex is a sacred, beautiful thing and you should wait to have it until you're absolutely sure you're horny.
24.
[having sex] Me: Oh ya you like that? Her: Deeper! Me: [baritone voice] OH YA YOU LIKE THAT?
25.
How much for the sex doll? Sir that's a mannequin.. .. How much for the sex mannequin?
26.
Sex jokes aren't funny, I mean cum on people.