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32 Tweets About Being Single Guaranteed To Make You Laugh

"I woke up like this: alone."

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1.

fall is the perfect time to date someone like it’s chilly so u both get bundled up & watch movies and go for coffee dates omg i'm so lonely

2.

just dropped my new single it's me i'm single

3.

When nobody’s there for you so you gotta pick yourself up

4.

I don't understand why I'm single my hobbies include smelling my own hair and bragging about how I'm immune to bats

5.

*gets into a relationship* This is bad *becomes single* Hmm this is bad too *looks in a mirror* Oh I see the problem now

6.

Just heard someone bragging about his one night stand. Whatever mate, I've got two night stands. Either side of my bed.

7.

[first date] me: So, do you like street magic? her: Not really me: [releases 7 doves under table] Haha yeah me either

8.

me: i'm so lonely person: hey me: leave me alone

9.

pizza won't divorce you pizza won't betray you pizza won't cheat on you pizza won't fight with you why don't people just marry pizza

10.

whats the difference between me and a calendar? a calendar has dates

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12.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm pregnant and then I realize I would have to be like 19 months pregnant

13.

When you can't really tell if someone is into you or not

14.

[date] Me: 'Don't let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…' Her: "Shall we order dessert?" Me: "LET'S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!"

15.

Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.

16.

Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog's paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

17.

Being single is cool bc you can eat a whole jar of pepperoncinis and spend the rest of the night farting spicily into the abyss

18.

5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message"

19.

2014: single 2015: single Consistency is key guys

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21.

If tinder has taught me one thing it's that there is an extraordinary amount of single girls named Shelby that love to ride horses

22.

Went into a store w/ wet nails & asked the cashier 2 pull a cig outta my purse & he said "get a boyfriend so you don't have to be like this"

23.

Gather 'round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides

24.

Interviewer today trying to ask me about boys and I'm just like I barely have time to shower let alone maintain even a single conversation

25.

'You're beautiful and I love you," I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied "I just want to be friends."

26.

Penis: Oh. Cute waitress. We can do this, guys Brain: Ok. We'll say we like her smile Mouth: Are the corn dogs in season?

27.

28.

[1st date] me: are you cold? date: *shivering* a little me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks

29.

So single that I'm starting a recycling program- dudes from years ago are back in my life. Super environmental.

30.

[getting ready for a date] ROOMMATE: the key is to not seem too desperate ME: ok [later] DATE: i love this restaurant ME: haha i love u too

31.

32.

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