1. You worship the Chenbot.
2. You eagerly await the first “But First” of the season.
3. You love that Julie Chen has come to embrace both her nickname and her catchphrase.
4. You’ll never understand why the opening credits have to be so aggressively loud. We get it. The show is starting.
5. While a reminder is never needed, you love how overly dramatic the black and white catch-up at the top of every show is.
6. And you still get excited when it transitions into color.
7. It takes you roughly four weeks to learn every houseguest’s name.
8. Although in the case of floaters, much — much — longer.
9. All this talk of floaters makes you want to say: “Grab a life vest!”
10. And you hate yourself for that.
11. Speaking of Rachel, love her or hate her, you have come to recognize that she is one of the best competitors to ever play Big Brother.
12. However, Dr. Will is the best player in Big Brother history.
13. Followed by Dan, Jun, and Janelle.
14. Well, Season 6 Janelle — you don’t really understand what happened to her in the All-Stars or Coach seasons because that was not the same Janelle who dominated in 2005.
15. You know that the best shomance of all-time is Jeff and Jordan.
16. Followed closely by Eric and Jessica.
17. The worst shomance of all-time is anything involving Mike Boogie.
18. The most annoying shomance of all-time is Brendon and Rachel, because “Nothing Comes Between Me and My Man.”
19. Although you don’t understand why Rachel is still with Brendon when we all know he sent dick pics to that random girl online.
20. You also doubt to this day that Brendon is a rocket scientist.
21. And you will never forget the time Ragan unleashed the most ferocious (but intelligent) verbal smackdown in reality TV history on Rachel.
22. You cannot — for the life of you — understand why Big Brother, which once gave us Bunky and Will Wikle, currently seems incapable of casting gay men who don’t represent every stereotype.
23. And you find it annoying that there are never two gay men in the same season as to facilitate a gay shomance (OK, BB8 put ex-boyfriends in the house, but started day one with talk of shared gonorrhea, so, you knew that wasn’t going anywhere).
24. You still can’t believe Ryan and Jen had sex in the house during Season 9.
25. Although you’re also surprised that doesn’t happen more over the course of three months.
26. Which is why you still watch Big Brother After Dark.
27. Or, rather, you did before it moved to TVGN and invalidated its entire existence (possible nudity, definite cursing).
28. After 16 seasons, you’re still shocked when someone tries to win the first Head of Household.
29. You’ve never wanted to see anyone’s HoH room.
30. You’re legitimately surprised when any HoH opens Pandora’s Box! Never open Pandora’s Box. At best it’s money, at worst it’s Jessie!
31. You laugh when houseguests make final two deals in the first week.
32. Or the second week.
33. You know there has never been a cool alliance name.
34. Not The Bomb Squad.
35. Not The Quack Pack.
36. Not The Friendship.
37. Not The Moving Company.
38. Not The Brigade.
39. Not Chill Town.
40. Not The Four Horsemen.
41. However, you will start using these alliance nicknames in casual conversation and that makes you die a little bit inside.
42. You’ll never understand why the houseguests are compelled to scream all their thoughts in the Diary Room.
43. You’d love it if CBS would stop trying to make Team America happen. It’s never going to happen.
44. You constantly wonder if anyone actually calls in a vote to dictate The Have Not’s menu.
45. You’ve stopped referring to Sunday, Wednesday, and Thursday as days of the week and, instead, call them Nomination Day, Veto Day, and Eviction Day.
46. Nothing makes you happier than a successful backdoor eviction.
47. Except for a Double Eviction episode.
48. Or Zingbot.
49. You genuinely think Zingbot is the funniest person on the planet for two minutes every season.
50. Otherwise, the funniest person in Big Brother history is Britney Haynes.
51. You use Britney GIFs to demonstrate your point way too often.
52. And you wish more people spoke to you using nothing but Big Brother GIFs.
53. You devote at least three hours a week to watching Big Brother.
54. And your friends would be scared if they knew how much time you spend thinking about Big Brother every season.
55. Or watching the live feed and scanning the message boards for spoilers and conspiracies so you can compare those to what actually makes it to air.
56. You’re legitimately inconsolable when your favorite houseguest gets evicted.
57. And you contemplate quitting the show.
58. But you could never actually do that.
59. Because you consider Big Brother the sole reason that summer was invented.
60. You firmly believe you could play a better, smarter, or more strategic game than the current crop of houseguests.
61. But then you realize personally competing on Big Brother would involve you consistently wearing a speedo/bikini on national television and think, “Nah, I’m good.”
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