1.
Chocolate cake doesn't care if I'm likable.
2.
(shopping for a wedding cake) no it's spelled s-h-r-e-k. i want that in green frosting
3.
You can use unscented dental floss to cut a cake if you are a complete psycho.
4.
lasagna is the only food that is a pie, cake, and sandwich
5.
[JAIL VISITATION] WIFE: I got u a cake ME: U know I don't like sugar W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet M: It's not a diet, it's a lifestyle
6.
[doctor bursts out of giant cake] "I'm afraid there was nothing we could do. Hopefully the cake thing is of some comfort to you"
7.
One of these Starbucks cake pops is totally over your shit...
8.
[ordering cake over phone] "and what would you like the cake to say?" [covers phone to ask wife] "do we want a talking cake?"
9.
What did the cake say to the fork? (Linda if youre reading this tweet, I'm so sorry for everything please come home) You wanna piece of me?!
10.
[baby's first birthday party] Yeah smash that cake all over your face you piece of shit.
11.
Him: I have feelings for you. Me: I'd rather you have cake for me.
12.
Me: im gonna lose weight Me: im gonna exercise every day Me: im gonna go on a diet and stick to it Me: is that cake?
13.
ME: I remember you loved when that guy put an engagement ring in cake. GIRLFRIEND: OMG! ME: *Gets out bike coated in cake* Happy Birthday!
14.
My mum ordered a cake for my sisters bd n asked for a blond girl on top but it autocorrected to blind n we got this
15.
Coming to TLC this Fall: Cake Ghost. Is it a haunted bakery, or a ghost trying to bake? Fuck you. Fuck you for even asking. Wednesdays @ 8
16.
WIFE: *throws out smoldering cake* way to ruin another one of ur birthdays DRAGON: ur the one who INSISTED i blow out the candles janice
17.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
18.
[Stripclub] STRIPPER: so you're the birthday boy ME: *nervous* yes STRIPPER: is this your first time? ME: *points to cake* no i'm turning 26
19.
Its so nice to be an adult because you realize it doesn’t need to be anyone’s birthday for you to buy cake so please, join me on this journey to rock bottom
20.
Welcome back to Cooking With Snakes. Today we're going to bake an alluring chocolate cake and, as always, the studio is filled with snakes.
21.
It's tradition to save a piece of your wedding cake so you can eat it when your depressed from your future divorce.
22.
Okay. I know this cake is a number 1 and it says “Emma," but it LOOKS like a dick with balls that says “WEED"
23.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
24.
weird to think that lasagna is just pasta cake
25.
If my future husband smashes cake in my face at my wedding after I spent 2 hours getting my makeup done, I will file for divorce immediately
26.
My parents forgot to buy candles so they put que tips on my birthday cake. #throwbackthursday
27.
Running shoes? No, I don't run. These are my cake gettin' shoes.
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