Recently, the conversation about age gaps in romantic relationships has been reignited, due in large part to the recent release of Jennifer Lawrence's new movie, No Hard Feelings.
People seem to have a lot of feelings about this subject, both positive and negative. So, I thought the best thing we could do is hear from people who have actually lived this experience.
Reddit user u/icarly1234 recently asked, "Ladies who are in a age gap relationship, what are the pros and cons?" in the Ask Women subreddit, and there were such a huge variety of answers that I think are super helpful to this ongoing convo.
1. "My husband is nine years younger than me. We met when I was 44, he was 35. One pro is that since women usually live longer than men, it is a little more unlikely that I will live for a long time without him."
2. "The big pro for me is I don't want kids and I feel safe that, because he is much older, he will not change his mind and start wanting them. When I met my husband he was already 47, and we married when he was 54. I figured if he'd made it that far without having kids then the chances were he'd be able to continue."
"The big con really is that I know we will not retire together, or grow old together, or have any chance at being married for 50 years or similar. I will likely be widowed by the time I'm 60 or so."
3. "There's a 20-year difference between my partner and me. People's misconceptions are probably the biggest con. I was above the age of 30 when we began dating, so I resent the idea that he possibly groomed me or he is dating down intellectually because I am good arm candy. I have to go pretty far in depth with how we met when people meet us to add legitimacy to us as a couple."
4. "I'm 35 and he's 25. First time I've ever dated anyone that much younger. I love learning from each other's experiences — he can bring a fresh, less jaded perspective and I feel like I'm able to offer the wisdom of having been around for a few more years. The communication is also very different. He is very open, willing to talk about stuff, and is pushing me to open up more, which is something I haven't always been great at in the past. Physically, he's very receptive and willing to learn, which is again making me open up more about what I want/need (and improving things immensely in that regard)."
5. "I’m in a 14-year gap. I’m 31 he’s 45 and we’ve been together for four years now. Pros: he's settled in his life and work, has more life experience that helps when I run into problems I haven’t dealt with before, and is more experienced/better in bed than guys my age I’ve dated."
"Cons: having to watch them deal with the reality of aging, if that makes sense. I know my partner is a bit insecure about it but that’s everyone as we age. I think he’s the hottest person ever and seeing him unhappy with how he looks makes me sad."
—u/jlux5150
6. "I'm 37 and he's 53. The sex is better than I've experienced with anyone else. He gets that women's bodies change over time, he doesn't care about extra weight or some cellulite. He makes me feel absolutely gorgeous and is a selfless lover."
7. "Our age gap is 10 years. I am close to 30, he just turned 40. My partner had his son young, so he has a 17-year-old to parent alone. No one ever expected me to become anyone's mother, but 'Dad's Girlfriend' was a new dynamic to maneuver. And since my partner's son lives with him full time, there are some rules that I understand, but am disappointed in nonetheless."
"No spending the night. Not having the freedom to do spontaneous trips or plans. Many weekends spent separately because his son is home and he wants to spend one on one time together with him. It's been hard. Many of my friends are getting married and starting families and I just desperately want to fall asleep next to my boyfriend. That part I've been wrestling with for a good long while."
8. "I am in a relationship with a man 25 years younger than me. It is an amazing relationship. We both understand that it can't be a forever type relationship for lots of reasons, but we are really enjoying the time we have together now."
9. "It is not a con per say, but I sometimes feel a twinge of jealousy as my husband has a more established career and a higher salary. I tend to forget that he had to work 7 more years to reach where he is today."
—u/trippypanda9
"I’m 34 and my husband is 27. I’m a teacher and he started an entry-level job and now makes more than me. It kills me a little that he makes so much more than me even though I’m seven years older, and that he always will as long as I stay in this profession."
10. "My boyfriend is 10 years older than me (I'm 26 and he just turned 37). I like that he is a functioning adult who can take care of his own chores without being asked, knows how to deal with mechanics and car dealers, and understands how health insurance and taxes work. But he doesn't always understand my cultural references, and I can't tell when he is messing with me when he tells me about how things were when he was a kid."
—u/Casanova666
11. "My husband is 15 years younger than me and I almost don’t notice it anymore. I don’t think he ever noticed. We’re 12 years in now and going great. Only con is I worry about eventually looking too old for him to find me attractive."
12. "My largest age gap was 13 years. On the one hand, you could have serious/deep conversations with some life experience to back the topics (I hate small talk), and most topics/arguments are handled with maturity. However, you get stared at everywhere you go, especially if you look young, since the big age gap makes others uncomfortable."
"Others also treat you like you are a bit of a temporary gap-filler if you ever get introduced, since people do not expect the relationship to last. Being at different life stages also has its cons in terms of one person wanting to be free/explore, while the other wants to settle down with the house/marriage/kids."
13. "It's hard because the older person is so goddamn set in their ways that compromise or communication just sometimes isn’t an option."
14. "I dated a man 13 years older than me before. I was in my late 20s and he was in his early 40s. He love-bombed me pretty hard so I didn't realize until a few months in that all the things I thought we had in common didn't really exist. I was impressed by him at first because he had a good education, decent job, and a nice house, but eventually found out the only reason he had those things was because he came from a rich family."
15. "I was in a casual thing with a guy 17 years younger than me (39 and 23). It was pretty great for a year. The second year got tricky because he started talking about getting married and I made it clear from day one I had no interest in marriage or children. He wouldn’t let it go and then started saying he wanted us to have a child. That was the end of that. I encouraged him to find someone his own age to do those things with, and I later heard he was married with a child, so good for him."
16. "My partner and I are 13 years apart. We met when I was 23 and he was 36. I would say the biggest con is that he has kind of already experienced life. He has traveled the world, been married, had kids, and done a million other things that I haven’t been able to experience just yet. Sometimes, it takes a lot to get him to do little things that I find fun because he’s focused on building wealth."
17. "My partner and I are eight years apart and it’s definitely been my healthiest relationship! But the main con I’ve experienced is the difference in energy levels, though I think part of this is chalked up to the fact that I’m a lot more extroverted while he’s more of a homebody. I’m definitely someone who likes to be very active and can stay out very late, whereas I’ve noticed his energy levels are a lot lower."
—u/ayylmaos17
Note: Some responses have been edited for length and/or clarity.