Here's What Would Happen If "Game Of Thrones" Were Set In The Philippines
"Winter is not coming."
1. Winter will never come.
2. And if it ever does, people will rejoice instead of being scared.
3. Petyr Baelish would be the corrupt politician you just can't trust.
4. Jaqen H'gar would be a member of the Davao Death Squad.
5. And Varys would be your chismosang kapitbahay.
6. Daenerys would take too long to arrive at King's Landing because traffic sa EDSA.
7. And Tyrion's trial would take at least three seasons to get done.
8. Stannis Baratheon would be Mar Roxas—he's okay, but bad decisions ruined him.
9. Including his lady, Melisandre, who would basically be a mangkukulam.
10. What lies beyond the wall would be the Spratly islands.
11. Grace Poe would be Daenerys—claiming what is hers with fire and blood. In this case, her Filipino citizenship.
12. And she has her charm, sure, but a lot of people think she's still too young and inexperienced to be a queen.
13. Miriam Defensor-Santiago would be Lady Olenna—she may look old and sickly, but her wit is enough to take you down. She's also sassy as fuck.
14. Bran would have a kuliti because he made boso while Cersei and Jaime are having sex.
15. And Hodor and Bran would be making limos while on their way to the three-eyed crow.
16. As part of the Dothraki pregnancy ceremony, Daenerys would literally just have to eat dinuguan.
17. And she would love it.
18. Aside from all the death, the next worst thing that could happen at Red Wedding is if the groom saw the bride in her wedding dress beforehand.
19. Speaking of weddings, Tommen wouldn't be married right away to Margaery because sukob.
20. Eunuchs would have to chew on bayabas leaves while being castrated.
21. R + L = J would be highly possible.
22. And it would be written on a diary somewhere.
23. "Wala kang alam, Juan Nyebe."
24. Yggrite and Jon Snow's theme song would be Truefaith's "Ako'y Sayo At Ika'y Akin Lamang."
25. What do we say to old friends randomly inviting us for 'coffee'?" "Not today."
26. Ghost would be named Puti.
27. And Sansa's direwolf, Lady, may or may not have been a pulutan.
28. Daenerys would hire Kuya Kim as an advisor to tame her dragons.
29. Jon Snow's death would basically look like the last scenes of Heneral Luna.
30. Sacrificing Shireen to the Lord of Light would only involve leaving her unattended while Stannis talks to his friends he bumped into at the mall.
31. And "Dracarys" would basically be High Valyrian for "Pakyu!"